AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

[SalsaOnCrackers]

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

No dropyour I don't think so either, and of course I stupidly rtw bloody t to see if the time zone info was there anywhere.

Oh well. I think I will copy the PP above on the caffeine and sugar plan.

A "happy new year" message would fall into the Not Urgent Not Important square on my time management matrix.

If we all channel 'Frozen'

Let it goooooo, let it goooooo

Salsa you sound way too invested in this friendship with your colleague. From your defensive posts, you are also coming across as too intense about the situation which is probably what your colleague is picking up.
The coffees out of work also border on odd behaviour on both your parts. Either he was enjoying the attention but now doesn't want to take it further or he was naive and is realising you are over invested in this hence backing off.

Either way, leave well alone.

Yanbu.
He didn't reply to a message. Omg. Send him a text now repeating the original message and ask for a reply.
Do you know where he lives?

Get well soon.

YABU and ridiculous. I call you like him and need to back off

Just wow.

Op, there is no big deal in him not replying. I often don't bother replying straight away,sometimes for days actually, to messages from actual friends,so it's no biggy.

I do think you are obsessing and have a bit of an infatuation though. This isn't normal

It's already all been said but I'll put my two penneth in anyway.

Your OP reads like you have a bit of a crush on him. I don't necessarily mean a romantic crush, but I have seen this play out where junior colleague really admires senior colleague and their work. Senior colleague helps out junior colleague and acts as a mentor, they then go out a couple of times after work and become a bit pally. Junior colleague is made to feel special through the mentoring attention which fuels the admiration for senior colleague even more. (It doesn't have to be a romantic attraction by the way, I've seen this happen with people who are the same sex and heterosexual.) Junior colleague then believes they have a close friendship and are upset when senior colleague backs off a bit and then realises that senior colleague isn't as invested in the friendship as they are, and just see them as well, a junior colleague who they get on with. I may be way off the mark but I have seen this scenario several times and I don't think it's at all uncommon.

I suspect sadly that he's just not as invested in you as you are in him, despite how well you get on. He may have received 1000 similar messages and couldn't reply to them all. He may have intended to reply and forgotten. He may just be one of these people who can't be arsed with messages like this. I have a female friend, who I'm not interested in romantically, who I used to get a bit upset over when I'd text her happy Christmas or something and she'd take a week to reply, if she even bothered. She's a fabulous friend though and I've learnt not to take it personally now, she's just crap at responding to messages like that and I've learnt that's just the way she is. It's not worth obsessing over, I hate to say it but he probably hasn't given your message a second thought. Maybe next time you should just say it in person if you're able so then it avoids all this angst.

Fantastic thread

I came along to joke that maybe there's a clingy little wife in the background who saw the message and took offence. In reality I was thinking that no-one would genuinely be that needy.

Then I read "Step away from the married man". I take it all back.

I spent most of yesterday ignoring mags on the work system as I needed to focus on the sad fall out of the nightmare Christmas a staff member had

I wasn't going to be distracted nor was I going to explain to a junior member of staff... stuff it if they think I being rude,

Are you the manager?

It would be great if you were. Then we could explore in depth all the reasons why you aren't responding to the OP's easy going friendly tone.

Poor mags! Bet she started a thread in mumsnet too.

There is no way this thread and the other (linked) thread aren't written by the same woman.

cba to cec other thread but wasnt she exhibiting stalker like tendancies their too - cos someone at work hadnt given her attention - she was getting all clingy and posessive.

I imagine OP as a cross between Bernice from Emmerdale and Mary Taylor from Corrie

"You need to step away from the married man.
Maybe he was busy messaging his wife instead."

Or maybe he was busy shagging his secretary? Let's think of all possibilities before we get too comfy.

Do I think it's unreasonable to obsess over an IM?

Yes, yes I do.

Better question OP, is why don't you!

You sound a bit too invested in this man.

He didn't reply. So what? Maybe he was hung over, maybe he clicked it while talking to someone and meant to get back to it later and forgot.

If you were at work, why didn't you just pop by to say Happy New Year personally? You don't work in an unescapable bubble.

I don't typically respond to "canned" holiday emails. They're just a silly office formality, and I can't think of anything better than to say "Thanks. You too. :)".

Perhaps this is the first time she's messaged him since the thread in November, which is why she has so much emotionally invested in him replying?

So he didnt reply big deal, get over it.

You don't have to be romantically interested in someone to come across as needy.

When do you go back to work and are you tempted to say something about the lack of response?

It might be worth giving some thought to this, as you don't want something to pop out of your mouth when you go back that, given thought, you wouldn't have said or written.

I wouldn't actually say anything at all about it but, if I was worried that I had upset him, I might send a work related email to him in a couple of days, just to get things back on a professional keel (and to show I wasn't thinking about the NYE email at all).

OP can you honestly not see why you reacting rather hysterically about this is a bit, well, odd? Are you like this with everyone if they don't respond to you immediately? It's a little worrying.

The obsessing makes you sound very intense OP, maybe that comes across to him?

It also may be that he's just really busy, seen it and thought I'll say something back later and then forgotten. I do that a lot with texts that come through when I trying to do something else on my phone.

I think Cinnabar has it right, OP got upset r.e the situation in the first thread when he didn't reply, she asked him a 'work related' question to try and get him to reply/work out he was definitely ignoring her. And now this thread, same situation again, she's messaged him and also asked a question, guessing in her head she thinks he should/would reply as it is more rude to ignore a direct question rather than a generic HNY message.

Now he hasn't replied AGAIN she knows he definitely is ignoring her thus she is really upset and...obsessed!