To send MIL a passive aggressive text

[Ruperta]

Ok so bit of a back story and posted a few times previously. PILS are very involved in SIL family, essentially amazing GPs, provide childcare 2 days a week, often have them over night and take their son swimming every Saturday. They live 30 mins drive away which obviously is a reason for them being closer but there is a loooooonnnggg history of obvious favouritism to SIL family and children. SIL is lovely by the way and fair play I would gratefully take all help offered in the same way as she does.

In comparison we live further away (london) 2hrs on train, 4 hrs drive and we have a two children (1&3), the youngest the same age as SIL youngest. There has been lots of little episodes of things that have gradually grated me & my DH re:favouritism and lack of effort from MIL, many many many which are too petty to go into but last episode left a bit of a frosty atmosphere.

E.g they visited us twice last year, the second time we asked as a favour as we needed someone to look after children as I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time me and DH had been out and DS2 was 10 months. They came down and basically used our house as a base, went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round (they didn't ask us by the way, we found out the day before that 4 additional adults were coming round). Mil went sulky and didn't speak to me in my own house all weekend. So obviously things are quite frosty anyway. I was just annoyed as I thought they may want to spend a bit if time with GC.

Anyhoo so Xmas comes along, it was our 'turn' to spend Xmas with them (which I was slightly dreading) but when we asked them what their plans were they said 'we are going to SILs, what are you doing?' Absolutely no thought of spending time with us. Eventually a couple of weeks later SIL invited us but by then I arranged for my family to come round and there wouldn't 't have been any room at SILs for us anyway and we all seemed quite happy with plan.

Anyway (I hope your still with me) on Xmas day we facetime'd SIL (PILL had forgotten their ipad) and chatted to everyone but MIL didn't come to screen and say hello, benefit of the doubt she was probably busy I know. Then we tried face timing again over the next few days, they never rang us back. Eventually facetime'd again on Sunday but MIL had been out the night before and was unable to speak to us. So we haven't even spoken to her over Xmas.

I am so tempted to send her a passive aggressive text with pictures of the children over Xmas saying 'hope she had a lovely Xmas, we had a great time, it's a shame we weren't able to catch up properly over the Xmas period but thank you so much for the toys the children loved them. Hope you have a great new year'.

I just really want to highlight it to her and make it clear it's not really acceptable. They are such wonderful GPs to SILS children (they are having them overnight tonight) but she can't even be arsed to say merry Xmas to my kids. Relations are quite strained anyway, maybe I'll regret it but I'm really at the stage of thinking it is her loss if she can't be bothered to put the effort in.

FIL is lovely by the way but (as with the whole of the ILs family) he does exactly what she demands to get the easy life - I think that is why she doesn't get on so well with us as we don't do this and my DH (her son) apparently never has.

Sorry very long.

I'm saying you have as much responsibility as your MIL to build a good relationship that encourages them to not view interactions with you as stressful and something to be avoided. And if you can't see that your previous interaction with your MIL has probably made her wary of you then things are not going to get better for you in terms of grandparent involvement. Clearly it matters more to you than to them that they are involved with your children.

Yet you view your children as so obviously special that they should be prepared to swim the Atlantic Ocean and climb Everest for a chance to catch a glimpse of them. The story you tell gives the strong impression to many of us that the relationship with you is part of the problem. I believe distance, the fact the other children came along first (I think) and yes, the fact that people are often more comfortable with daughters than daughters-in-law are also strong contributing factors, but a bolshy attitude from you will just finish things off. Typically men go along with their partner's view, for a quiet life if nothing else.

A passive-aggressive anything is never a good idea.

It's obvious there's a difficult and strained relationship behind this story, and it hurts when you feel someone is putting your children at second best. I understand that this must be very hurtful for you.

But passive-aggresive texting is not the answer.

How does your DH feel about this OP. Because if he shares your feelings then the onus is really on him to speak to his parents properly about it.

I hate how women are so quick to judge other women and blame DIL/MIL etc. DH if anything is far more upset and hurt at his mothers treatment of both him & his children but apparently it's me who is the bolshy DIL from hell who is making the MIL 'climb Everest' or whatever other nonsense your assuming.

I would love for the PIL to have a closer relationship to their GC but it has been made clear that this is not going to be the case. Maybe I've not been a push over & maybe both me & my husband stood up and said no in the past when others would have taken a different route but I was just looking out for my kids. I don't think the damage of favouritism of one section if the family over the other should be overlooked though, but it is the MILs loss, not ours.

Arrrggghh why am I still on this thread!!!! My boys are awake now. Happy new year to all of AIBU. Xxx

I don't get on well with my ils.

Polite/civil that's probably it.

i am married to their only child. We have their only GC.

I used to let them know that they could come over in the week to see me & the kids.

They never did.

Always had to be when my husband would be there for the full visit.

Tbh, if they were that desperate to see their GCs I would have thought that they could have got over the fact that I wasn't their best buddy.

So, we figured they weren't that bothered.

Not nice for the kids or my husband.

So when we got the chance to move abroad it was an easy decision.

"I hate how women are so quick to judge other women and blame DIL/MIL etc. DH if anything is far more upset and hurt at his mothers treatment of both him & his children but apparently it's me who is the bolshy DIL from hell who is making the MIL 'climb Everest' or whatever other nonsense your assuming."

Is that meant to be so ironic?

Is this thread not all about blaming MIL for every single aspect of your relationship?

Did I miss the bit where you take some responsibility or try and see any other perspective except poorly treated, aggrieved DIL?

Not sure the OP needs to accomodate her MIL who has decided to ignore repeated chances to talk to her grandchildren in order to 'punish' their mother. Using children to hurt their parents is super twattish, and people that twattish shouldn't be pandered to.

OP, leave it to your DH to sort. Never accept any offers of babysitting and just accept she doesn't want a good relationship with her grandchildren. That's her choice. Don't expect anything from them.

My mil lives 4 hours drive away. She recently came down on the train to see us and the kids for 3 days. DH was working so didn't see him much. She mainly came to see the kids. Didn't speak to anyone other than us the whole time, other than calling home. She was happy as anything.

That is a good grandparent and mil.

I know this will eventually happen to my brother's children. So I'm gonna make it my mission to make sure it doesn't and be an awesome aunty. Adults don't realise how detrimental their behaviour can be towards children.

Has OP been back?

What's SIL like op? Is she nice?

We also facetime/Skype both sets of gp a couple times a week. If able to babysit (difficult for us but we manage on occasion) both parties are thrilled, and the gp would definitely see it as a chance to get gc to themselves. Wouldn't dream of inviting anyone over.

"MIL who has decided to ignore repeated chances to talk to her grandchildren in order to 'punish' their mother. Using children to hurt their parents is super twattish,"

You have no evidence to know if it was deliberate ignoring or designed to punish the OP. That is pure projection.

"That is a good grandparent and mil."

Yeah, coz it's as simple as that, isn't it!

clam I agree with that sentiment, although personally if another adult expressed to me that something I was doing was upsetting them I would do my very best to put this right, wouldn't you? Getting defensive won't improve any relationship.

However when we are dealing with children I don't believe this applies, its up to the adults to facilitate a good healthy relationship.

Ruperta I do empathise with your situation but I think under the circumstances all you and your DH can do is focus on your relationship with your dc and maybe fostering relationships with other adults in their extended family who are willing and able to spend time with your dc.

I'm late to this one but just wanted to say I would not be happy at someone inviting others into my home without the manners to ask me if it was ok first.

I would also expect, on the first occasion of looking after a child the grandparent would want to take time to get to know the child and make it a positive experience for both of them

I think YANBU but I don't think your MIL will ever change so think you might be best just backing off and getting on with your own lives

For what it's worth I think you have been treated shabbily, favouritism is horribly corrosive and I don't think they should have invited others over whilst babysitting. That text would have gone over my head though, I wouldn't even pick up on the passive aggression.

I don't understand Clam? Yes, it is that simple. Good gp makes an effort to see their gc, to be in contact with them.

I'm lucky in my mil. She does all those things. I do too. I don't think op is wrong for expecting that for one night of babysitting, the kids are the gps sole focus.

Op - could you just text something like "happy new year. Sorry we didn't manage to speak over christmas, the kids missed you. Maybe we could facetime tomorrow after we've all recovered from the celebrations?"

That is if you want to. If not, don't bother. Or maybe it would be better coming from DH? I have a good relationship with my mil yet still leave most requests for contact to DH.

We have a similar problem with fil, he sends the kids stuff but hasn't seen them for almost 2 years.

I think its his loss not ours, maybe justify it to yourself that way.

Btw, I think its your hubby that needs to make amends here not you.

slithytove My point was that there are many, many ways in which to qualify as a good grandparent, not just one prototype. And what counts in one person's book as 'good,' wouldn't make it onto the list in someone else's. Therefore it's more complicated. Just because the OP's ILs don't tick all the boxes she requires, that doesn't mean they're shit in all respects.

Minion "although personally if another adult expressed to me that something I was doing was upsetting them I would do my very best to put this right, wouldn't you?" I think I covered that with, "And if we cock something up, then apologise." And in my book, to apologise doesn't just mean saying sorry, but trying to make things better.

Well Clam - everyone on this thread is assuming the MIL's behaviour over christmas is due to the OP's treatment of her over the babysitting insident.

We've all accepted that she's refused to talk to the grandchildren because she's upset about how her DIL treated her in the summer. That is taking out her anger at her DIL on the DGC - twattish behaviour.

clam Yes of course there are many ways. I'd say being in touch with gc is pretty integral though.

OP was it you that tried to FaceTime or your husband?
If your mil feels wary/uncomfortable with you it needs to be DH that manages the communications.
To be honest if the family coming to visit episode had happened to me. Honestly I'd think you didn't like me. I'd then find it hard to communicate you on any level because is be conscious if the fact that you dis like me so wouldn't want to.

All other issues aside (and I think I can see both sides being in the right and the wrong at times), I think the fact that SIL is her daughter and lives closer will make in inevitable that MIL is physically/emotionally etc closer, but I still don't think it's an excuse and any grandparent worth their salt would make sure things were as equal as possible.

My own Mom sees more of mine and my sister's children, so she makes extra effort to see my nephews (brother's sons) when she can, and it's always in the back of her mind that maybe they don't get treated as often (silly things like buying hot chocolates/sweets etc when out with other grandchildren), so she will try to treat them when she can to make up for it.

FWIW I don't know how you can tackle this, but I understand where you're coming from. Any sleight of your children and you can;t help but take it personally. You wouldn't be their Mom if you didn't feel the need to fight their corner!

I think you show a startling lack of self awareness OP in your complete refusal to see how your own actions have contributed to this situation.

I agree completely with everything charleston has said

Can I just point out that it was the OP's husband who spoke to his mother regarding the extra guests? And that it was MiL who offered to babysit? And MiL who didn't speak to the OP on the Sunday while they were still staying with them? That it was the MiL who arranged to see other people on the Friday that they were staying with the OP and family even though they don't see them that often? (a good time to get the 10 month-old used to them, no?)
And it was MiL who didn't speak to them or their children over Christmas.

Just sayin'...