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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send MIL a passive aggressive text

248 replies

Ruperta · 31/12/2014 09:47

Ok so bit of a back story and posted a few times previously. PILS are very involved in SIL family, essentially amazing GPs, provide childcare 2 days a week, often have them over night and take their son swimming every Saturday. They live 30 mins drive away which obviously is a reason for them being closer but there is a loooooonnnggg history of obvious favouritism to SIL family and children. SIL is lovely by the way and fair play I would gratefully take all help offered in the same way as she does.

In comparison we live further away (london) 2hrs on train, 4 hrs drive and we have a two children (1&3), the youngest the same age as SIL youngest. There has been lots of little episodes of things that have gradually grated me & my DH re:favouritism and lack of effort from MIL, many many many which are too petty to go into but last episode left a bit of a frosty atmosphere.

E.g they visited us twice last year, the second time we asked as a favour as we needed someone to look after children as I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time me and DH had been out and DS2 was 10 months. They came down and basically used our house as a base, went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round (they didn't ask us by the way, we found out the day before that 4 additional adults were coming round). Mil went sulky and didn't speak to me in my own house all weekend. So obviously things are quite frosty anyway. I was just annoyed as I thought they may want to spend a bit if time with GC.

Anyhoo so Xmas comes along, it was our 'turn' to spend Xmas with them (which I was slightly dreading) but when we asked them what their plans were they said 'we are going to SILs, what are you doing?' Absolutely no thought of spending time with us. Eventually a couple of weeks later SIL invited us but by then I arranged for my family to come round and there wouldn't 't have been any room at SILs for us anyway and we all seemed quite happy with plan.

Anyway (I hope your still with me) on Xmas day we facetime'd SIL (PILL had forgotten their ipad) and chatted to everyone but MIL didn't come to screen and say hello, benefit of the doubt she was probably busy I know. Then we tried face timing again over the next few days, they never rang us back. Eventually facetime'd again on Sunday but MIL had been out the night before and was unable to speak to us. So we haven't even spoken to her over Xmas.

I am so tempted to send her a passive aggressive text with pictures of the children over Xmas saying 'hope she had a lovely Xmas, we had a great time, it's a shame we weren't able to catch up properly over the Xmas period but thank you so much for the toys the children loved them. Hope you have a great new year'.

I just really want to highlight it to her and make it clear it's not really acceptable. They are such wonderful GPs to SILS children (they are having them overnight tonight) but she can't even be arsed to say merry Xmas to my kids. Relations are quite strained anyway, maybe I'll regret it but I'm really at the stage of thinking it is her loss if she can't be bothered to put the effort in.

FIL is lovely by the way but (as with the whole of the ILs family) he does exactly what she demands to get the easy life - I think that is why she doesn't get on so well with us as we don't do this and my DH (her son) apparently never has.

Sorry very long.

OP posts:
Bananayellow · 31/12/2014 12:37

Mil was a bit rude to not ask first but it was ruder of the op to "put her foot down"

It's family. I would be happy that they felt at home enough to want to do this. They were obviously not made to feel at home after that.

Why on earth wasn't something said at the time? How strange to just leave, with people not speaking to each other.

I think DH needs a chat with them.

clam · 31/12/2014 12:38

X post with OP there.

"Not telling someone that you've invited friends or family to their house is damned rude." But the OP did know about it, the day before, so somehow the plan must have been mentioned. And since when was the opportunity for "passing on good wishes" the main issue?

pictish · 31/12/2014 12:39

Ach I think too much is being made of the guests. Hand wringing over the kids settling and so on is daft...what's the worst that could happen? No one would be unkind to the children, they'd live to see another day.

"We're staying at John and Sarah's this weekend if you feel like popping in for a while?"

Hardly the crime of the century. It's her dh's mum, not some random off the street.
Faintly annoying, but worth the fall out? Never.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 12:40

Banana - read my last post

Nobody left without speaking to each other,

'putting foot down' and 'babysitting' were poor turns of phrase

OP posts:
outtolunchagain · 31/12/2014 12:42

I am baffled by all this "massive favour" stuff, yes it is a favour but it is also a massive responsibility to look after two under threes who have never been left before .I know that both my childrens sets of grandparents would have taken the responsibility very seriously and would have wanted to give the children their full attention .How can you do that if you are also tending to four more adults , especially if the children are not familiar with you .

clam · 31/12/2014 12:42

Regardless of who made the specific phone call to tell them to rearrange, I think it would have been abundantly clear who was most unhappy about it.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 12:44

Pictish - maybe I was a bit control freaky but I was worried about DC2 who had very bad separation issues (he cried if someone else held him other than DH or me!) if I had been asked or it had been discussed in advance it would have been fine but it was dropped on me when they were travelling down on the train

OP posts:
pictish · 31/12/2014 12:45

Yes...like I said, you are making to much of it. You say it was dropped on you...in my world they were filling you in.

clam · 31/12/2014 12:45

"Massive" responsibility? Really? Since when did children become so breakable?

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 12:45

Tbh DH was far more pissed off that me ....

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 12:46

I don 't expect to be 'filled in' though, I expect to be asked.

OP posts:
clam · 31/12/2014 12:47

What difference would it have made if it had been discussed in advance? Serious question. What would you have done differently to prepare for going away to the wedding?

pludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 31/12/2014 12:47

Well, clam, if the plan can be mentioned the day before, it could have been proposed before being acted upon. Letting the family whose house it is find out about it the day before is pretty dismissive. It must have been a shock for the PIL for their DS and DIL not to roll over and play dead, in the interests of saving face.

The suggestion about passing on good wishes, was just a straw I was grasping at, to demonstrate that it didn't hold, either! Grin

outtolunchagain · 31/12/2014 12:49

It is a massive responsibility to look after someone's children , they are the most previous thing in the world to those parents . Of course you don't always think like that but it is true , I had my nephews for a day recently , younger than my boys , I was far more concerned for their safety than my own boys.Shock

kennyp · 31/12/2014 12:49

my mil used to wind me up as much as it sounds like yours does to you. it took a long time and a lot of woe on my part (i.e. she upset me loads and loads) but i don't see her or speak to her at all now and it's so much better for me (and most likely her too).

it's my new year resolution not to see her at allll in 2015 (she's fairly local). it's a shame that family/inlaws end up like this but your mil sounds like she's winding you up hugely and it doesn't sound like there's any love lost to be honest.

clam · 31/12/2014 12:50

Well, if nothing else, there's some feedback on here as to why the relationship between you and your PILs is different from the one they have with your SIL.

And please don't send any texts, passive aggressive or otherwise. It will only exacerbate the situation. Nod and smile, and be pleasantly friendly and polite in all your dealings with them in future. Personally, I would throw in an apology for over-reacting before, but I can see that might not work for you. Baby steps.

pictish · 31/12/2014 12:51

Yes it is faintly annoying of them to be presumptuous like that. But you know...get over-able.

Toughasoldboots · 31/12/2014 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 31/12/2014 12:55

It is a massive responsibility to look after someone's children , they are the most previous thing in the world to those parents

Sure, but that's no reason to not speak to other people. How fatal can having a cup of tea and a chat be?

clam · 31/12/2014 12:56

Gosh, I'm beginning to wonder how my siblings and I ever made it to adulthood. My parents (and and their friends) were always swapping kids over to keep an eye on look after. Of course, no one was negligent (or much, anyway), but no one was treated like cut-glass either. I'm sure various children fussed or cried at points too, but we got over it.

clam · 31/12/2014 12:57

"I keep making mental notes of what not to do when I am Mil."

From stuff you read on MN?! Shock How long's that list?

Toughasoldboots · 31/12/2014 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 31/12/2014 12:58

I agree Apocalypse. It's just controlly madness all this and I am laughing now. Grin

Only1scoop · 31/12/2014 12:59

Yes a couple of bad turns of phrase from Op but ....certainly nothing to suggest she 'loathes' her mil.

Blimey

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 13:12

Clam I would love it if I had family close by or friends that we could swap kids over and provide a support network like you describe. What you describe sounds lovely, it takes a village to raise a child etc but unfortunately it's just not possible for some we have no support network (both families in North west) & therefore my children aren't that used to others looking after them. It's a bit different now they have started nursery but still at the time of the wedding I was stressed about how they would be without me & DH. I think it would have been more strange if I wasn't.

Anyway this is a whole other issue!

OP posts: