To send MIL a passive aggressive text

[Ruperta]

Ok so bit of a back story and posted a few times previously. PILS are very involved in SIL family, essentially amazing GPs, provide childcare 2 days a week, often have them over night and take their son swimming every Saturday. They live 30 mins drive away which obviously is a reason for them being closer but there is a loooooonnnggg history of obvious favouritism to SIL family and children. SIL is lovely by the way and fair play I would gratefully take all help offered in the same way as she does.

In comparison we live further away (london) 2hrs on train, 4 hrs drive and we have a two children (1&3), the youngest the same age as SIL youngest. There has been lots of little episodes of things that have gradually grated me & my DH re:favouritism and lack of effort from MIL, many many many which are too petty to go into but last episode left a bit of a frosty atmosphere.

E.g they visited us twice last year, the second time we asked as a favour as we needed someone to look after children as I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time me and DH had been out and DS2 was 10 months. They came down and basically used our house as a base, went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round (they didn't ask us by the way, we found out the day before that 4 additional adults were coming round). Mil went sulky and didn't speak to me in my own house all weekend. So obviously things are quite frosty anyway. I was just annoyed as I thought they may want to spend a bit if time with GC.

Anyhoo so Xmas comes along, it was our 'turn' to spend Xmas with them (which I was slightly dreading) but when we asked them what their plans were they said 'we are going to SILs, what are you doing?' Absolutely no thought of spending time with us. Eventually a couple of weeks later SIL invited us but by then I arranged for my family to come round and there wouldn't 't have been any room at SILs for us anyway and we all seemed quite happy with plan.

Anyway (I hope your still with me) on Xmas day we facetime'd SIL (PILL had forgotten their ipad) and chatted to everyone but MIL didn't come to screen and say hello, benefit of the doubt she was probably busy I know. Then we tried face timing again over the next few days, they never rang us back. Eventually facetime'd again on Sunday but MIL had been out the night before and was unable to speak to us. So we haven't even spoken to her over Xmas.

I am so tempted to send her a passive aggressive text with pictures of the children over Xmas saying 'hope she had a lovely Xmas, we had a great time, it's a shame we weren't able to catch up properly over the Xmas period but thank you so much for the toys the children loved them. Hope you have a great new year'.

I just really want to highlight it to her and make it clear it's not really acceptable. They are such wonderful GPs to SILS children (they are having them overnight tonight) but she can't even be arsed to say merry Xmas to my kids. Relations are quite strained anyway, maybe I'll regret it but I'm really at the stage of thinking it is her loss if she can't be bothered to put the effort in.

FIL is lovely by the way but (as with the whole of the ILs family) he does exactly what she demands to get the easy life - I think that is why she doesn't get on so well with us as we don't do this and my DH (her son) apparently never has.

Sorry very long.

Sure, FaceTime can be great, although I haven't yet sussed out how to do it. But lots of people , particularly of your mil's generation, might have an issue with it.

And the OP didn't say her objection was because her dcs were nervous around strangers. She was cross because she doesn't like her mil and wasn't asked and wanted her 'babysitters' to focus on her kids 100%. At least own it.

DreamingDiva

I meant the op would have said on here if her child had any issues which would make strangers a problem. An opportunity to make her MIL more wrong would not have been left out.

The 'but there might be an issue re additional needs' is not relevant. I have a child with additional needs. It isn't an issue that needs to be inserted into this scenario . They child could have been upset if they had just got a puppy or been burgled the week before. Also not relevant.

I think OP is being given a hard time. I wouldn't dream of inviting anyone to my adult daughters' houses without asking them first-its rude and if MIL hadn't seen GC for a while you would think she would want to focus on them.
I think it was probably a bit off in return to tell your MIL to uninvite the guests.
I'd leave it now OP-anything you say will make things worse. If your DH isn't happy with her let him deal with it.

Well there are two camps here aren't there?

I'm with the mil on this one. It's a long way to come, and an ideal time to catch up with others while you're there.
OP I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable, as it might have been prudent for your mil to enlighten her son about her proposed visitors. However, I think your reaction was OTT, and if you had a point, it was probably lost by your manner.

Draw a line under it is my advice.

They weren't random friends - they were other family members. presumably the children know them, unless the OP has a similar relationship with all of her in laws.
It is polite to ask, but perhaps the MIL anticipated the "not in my house" reaction and wanted to avoid a confrontation. It is equally rude to invite people down to your house and then go out while they are expected to look after my kids.

I would avoid facetime with anyone who trated me like that. YABVU and the only text you should be sending is a sincere apology.

You were spectacularly rude to your MIL over the babysitting incident, no wonder she is avoiding you. Unfortunately I don't think you can see it.

I have actually been invited to my friend's DD's house while they were babysitting her 2 very young DCs. We all looked after the babies & had tea & cakes & a very pleasant day catching up while the parents were out having a lovely child free day at a wedding. If my friend's daughter had "put her foot down" & stopped us from going I would have been furious, but then again my friend's DD is not rude & spoiling for an argument like the OP.

Send a nice greeting for the new year, and leave it at that.

I really don't get why people think it is rude to not want four extra unknown to the op adults in the house with ther children when mil is there to babysit the children. if mil did not want to babysit she should have said no and op would have masde alternative arrangements. inviting people to someone elses house without permission is spectacularly rude.

I think there are two camps about who behaved badly, Pictish.

I think though that everyone is agreed that the OP just doesn't like her MIL and should just leave her alone. Whether that's because the MIL is awful or because the OP is.

I agree Pagwatch the additional needs thing isn't relevant this op, hence why I put in my first post that my situation is different. Sorry I misread your last message.

But for me personally I would expect anyone in my home to at least say to me 'oh I was thinking of inviting so and so whilst your out is that okay?' My answer would be yes (obviously if my dd didn't have stranger anxiety) but for me it would be courtesy for them to ask.

It's normal for everyone to have different ideas and viewpoints how to do things, one of the hardest thing when blending families. For me personally I probably wouldn't have said the family couldn't come once they'd been invited (even in my circumstances, id just suck it up after) but I would have as nicely as possible say 'I would have liked for you to check first'.

The op to me reads that because her dh already had a spikey relationship with his parents it continued, it could be that op has taken her lead from him or it could be how she was automatically.

Think the op and her dh need to step back and assess what sort of relationship they want with the pil's then step back and see what steps they can take to achieve it. Either way they do have to put the past in the past from their point if they want to have a chance to move forward positively. Imo.

Is the suggested text that passive aggressive - mostly it seems quite pleasant to me and it can be good to keep in touch with basic good wishes for the new year? I think I've just sent something a bit similar to my MIL (after a slightly odd thank-you email from her)

There a million reasons I don't speak to my mum but the straw shay broke the camels back so to speak were
After her repeatedly declining requests to come and visit (straight onto motorway her end, 2 hours straight up motorway and our town is straight of motorway our end) on the reasoning that the drive was too much for her, she then in the 12 months after that statement - flew to Florida, hired a car and drove around florida, drove to butlins (3 hours and lots of windy roads, lanes, driving through towns) and the kicker - drove to Ireland which involved driving through our local town! After that I stopped inviting.
The kids then got chicken pox, nothing life threatening but my sister was visitng and I heard her tell my mum on the phone. I then decided passively aggressively maybe to wait and see how long it would be before she rang to see how her grandchildren were- I'm still waiting 2.5 years later!!

[shrug]

But that's the point isn't it - everyone has different views. But instead of assuming it was an innocent misunderstanding the op put her foot down and told her MIL off.
You can't have missed how much she enjoyed the retelling of that bit?

The op just loathes her mil but resents that her mil is equally indifferent. She enjoys the drama and the power play. It's all pretty grim whereas it could be handled so differently.

OP you sound very precious about your DC and IL's involvement (eg on your terms).

I think I'd have to dislike my IL's a lot to dictate to them how etc they should behave when inviting relatives around and I'm not surprised they're a bit off with you now.

My mums friends are IL's from France where they live to their son and DIL near hull are not regular visitors (due to cost FIL illness etc) but there's no way they'd be treated like this nor would their son/DIL treat them like this etc and other examples diff people. Most people like to keep the peace.

So YABU.

Wow some of the responses to the OP

Firstly Xmas time I'm in a similar situation and it hurts it really does, and I don't think the OP is point scoring but when you are on the receiving end you can't help but notice the snubs that's the way it is- I'm sure OP doesn't want to feel hurt.

Secondly the babysitting- I can't believe people think that's ok- it was rude not to ask before arranging people to come over and they were there to spend time with and look after their GC both of which they might not have done to the same extent as if the house were full of visitors. Very rude i would not dream of doing that!

I can't get past the image of Mil having to cancel the day !What could you possibly say to the visitors on such short notice?I would be beyond mortified.

DH says he would have had to book a luncheon/running in to tea day at a hotel with kiddie fascilities as a face saving excersize.

OP what is in your house that they could not see without you there?

Afraid if you were married to one of my boys the 4 hour trip would be 'too much'.We would just back off and bank something for grandchildren for when they are 18.

The OP made me laugh out loud, the text message is so hilariously not aggressive in any way. If I got that Id think 'oh that's a nice message from X' and you're expecting this to upset her in some way. If you have an issue maybe be an adult and discuss it with her.

You sound like a pain in the ass by the way. I'd be avoiding you too.

We have a situation in our family where ours are not the favoured grandchildren either, so perhaps I empathise with the OP more, even though I don't actually agree with her about this issue overall.
When you feel that your kids are at the bottom of the pile, it is difficult not to take offence. Most of the time I can rationalise it and not let it bother me, but it is fair to say that it does colour the relationships somewhat. I am always polite and cheerful around the gps responsible, but the undercurrent of fuck you is there.
Because I can relate, I'm going to say that yes, perhaps there is an element of dislike to the OP's outlook, but not without good reason. I don't think it necessarily means she's a vindictive soul.

Ruperta I feel for you as my own MIL was very similar and actually still is even though my children are all grown up now. When they were younger we'd drive 4 to 5 hours in the car up to them several times a year. In fact we took DD up there at just a week old and continued to do this when both children were tiny. They hardly ever came to visit and actually had the cheek to say they didn't feel they really knew our DS! As the children got older and had busy weekends etc our visits became less frequent and now we see them perhaps once or twice a year but only if we go up to there's.

I could write a book about the unfairness of it all (they have never babysat for our children or bothered to see them in anything at school etc) but I'll never change things. What has happened though is our children don't have a close relationship with them now which is sad. However my MIL is very much out of sight out of mind! She still does and says things which upset but as the years have rolled on I just silently say to myself that she's an old bag! She has two amazing grandchildren down here in the South but she doesn't really know them at all....her loss really! Nothing you can do to change things I'm afraid if that's how they are, it hurts but you have to let it all go over your head if you can.

Why couldn't the mil catch up with said friends on a day that the op wasn't at the wedding?

I wouldn't be happy about babysitters inviting their friends to my home without my knowledge.

Just feel the need to point out that they were family, not friends and therefore in my view more acceptable, surely. These would be relatives of the op's husband too.

Actually I'm confused by this from the original post:

went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round

The statement contradicts itself. Where the invitees friends or family?

If I was the op I would expect a heads up about the guests, but wouldn't dream of banning them from coming.

I am probably nearer the mil's age than the op's and hate facetime too.

Excellent! I'm babysitting tonight. I had no idea that it was perfectly acceptable to ring friends and invite them round. And some of you people wouldn't even expect me to ask you first!
I could have such a great New Year's Eve

Meanwhile, in the real world...

Oh, glad you didn't think it was aggressive either skippy - I was a bit worried for a mo there as I've just sent similar (just basic good wishes for the New Year I reckon?)

I think that ILs were rude to invite people round without asking.

I think OP was rude to make ILs cancel.

When I visit my Dad I use his place as a base.

He likes to see me but is glad of a break!