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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send MIL a passive aggressive text

248 replies

Ruperta · 31/12/2014 09:47

Ok so bit of a back story and posted a few times previously. PILS are very involved in SIL family, essentially amazing GPs, provide childcare 2 days a week, often have them over night and take their son swimming every Saturday. They live 30 mins drive away which obviously is a reason for them being closer but there is a loooooonnnggg history of obvious favouritism to SIL family and children. SIL is lovely by the way and fair play I would gratefully take all help offered in the same way as she does.

In comparison we live further away (london) 2hrs on train, 4 hrs drive and we have a two children (1&3), the youngest the same age as SIL youngest. There has been lots of little episodes of things that have gradually grated me & my DH re:favouritism and lack of effort from MIL, many many many which are too petty to go into but last episode left a bit of a frosty atmosphere.

E.g they visited us twice last year, the second time we asked as a favour as we needed someone to look after children as I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time me and DH had been out and DS2 was 10 months. They came down and basically used our house as a base, went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round (they didn't ask us by the way, we found out the day before that 4 additional adults were coming round). Mil went sulky and didn't speak to me in my own house all weekend. So obviously things are quite frosty anyway. I was just annoyed as I thought they may want to spend a bit if time with GC.

Anyhoo so Xmas comes along, it was our 'turn' to spend Xmas with them (which I was slightly dreading) but when we asked them what their plans were they said 'we are going to SILs, what are you doing?' Absolutely no thought of spending time with us. Eventually a couple of weeks later SIL invited us but by then I arranged for my family to come round and there wouldn't 't have been any room at SILs for us anyway and we all seemed quite happy with plan.

Anyway (I hope your still with me) on Xmas day we facetime'd SIL (PILL had forgotten their ipad) and chatted to everyone but MIL didn't come to screen and say hello, benefit of the doubt she was probably busy I know. Then we tried face timing again over the next few days, they never rang us back. Eventually facetime'd again on Sunday but MIL had been out the night before and was unable to speak to us. So we haven't even spoken to her over Xmas.

I am so tempted to send her a passive aggressive text with pictures of the children over Xmas saying 'hope she had a lovely Xmas, we had a great time, it's a shame we weren't able to catch up properly over the Xmas period but thank you so much for the toys the children loved them. Hope you have a great new year'.

I just really want to highlight it to her and make it clear it's not really acceptable. They are such wonderful GPs to SILS children (they are having them overnight tonight) but she can't even be arsed to say merry Xmas to my kids. Relations are quite strained anyway, maybe I'll regret it but I'm really at the stage of thinking it is her loss if she can't be bothered to put the effort in.

FIL is lovely by the way but (as with the whole of the ILs family) he does exactly what she demands to get the easy life - I think that is why she doesn't get on so well with us as we don't do this and my DH (her son) apparently never has.

Sorry very long.

OP posts:
minionmadness · 31/12/2014 13:14

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of inviting someone else over to the OP house (not what the thread was about), I still think MIL is at fault here.

IMO MIL should be making more of an effort to prioritise spending time solely with the gc she doesn't see very often when she is visiting her ds and dil. She had other opportunities to see her friends.

You have failed as a parent/grandparent if any of your dc or dgc feel less important to you than another.

ApocalypseThen · 31/12/2014 13:22

IMO MIL should be making more of an effort to prioritise spending time solely with the gc she doesn't see very often when she is visiting her ds and dil.

Really? They can't speak to anyone else for two days? I'm sure the OP's children are perfectly charming, but no adult needs the uninterrupted company of toddlers for that long. And the toddlers need a break from being delightful for adults, too.

I see the full responsibility for creating and maintaining the conditions for this relationship on terms acceptable to the OP lies with the mother in law. Surely that's a bit unbalanced?

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 13:33

But apocalypse, they were visiting for three days. They had already made plans to see other people on one day, we just asked them to be in sole charge of our children on the day agreed and asked them to see the other people on the third day. I wasn't saying they had to see staring at my children constantly for the whole three days! Just to spend a tiny bit of time with my DS would be nice.

OP posts:
clam · 31/12/2014 13:37

"Just to spend a tiny bit of time with my DS would be nice."
What, so you're seriously saying they didn't even spend a "tiny bit of time" with him?

"You have failed as a parent/grandparent if any of your dc or dgc feel less important to you than another." Shock
Minion did you just post that as a soundbite to impress, or do you actually make those sort of judgements in real life?

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 31/12/2014 13:38

Phew OP, thank goodness you're not my DIL.

Both of mine are lovely, live hundreds of miles away Sad and don't play silly childish games.

Why not try acting like an adult for a change instead of a sulky teenager?

ApocalypseThen · 31/12/2014 13:40

Just to spend a tiny bit of time with my DS would be nice.

How did they manage to spend no time with him?

Toughasoldboots · 31/12/2014 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 13:45

Come on clam & apolcolypse - really you can't see my pov at all?

Sparkly - touché. It will be my New Years resolution to rise above it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 31/12/2014 13:46

Totally get where you are coming from Op....

Would have felt exactly the same.

clam · 31/12/2014 13:53

I can see your point about feeling sad that your kids don't get the same attention that their cousins do, as it happened to a tiny degree with my dh's family (although I have never articulated that feeling to anyone, most of all dh), but I think you've been unreasonable in this instance. Also, I was very very fond of my mil, and I knew she adored my two and her heart was in the right place - my dn was very very sick), and I think it is easier to find fault if there's a friction in the relationship elsewhere, as there appears to be in your case.

AnyoneforTurps · 31/12/2014 13:54

I think you and your MIL have both been thoughtless & childish TBH. Yes, she should have checked with you before inviting people to your house, but you were incredibly rude to forbid her to have them over when she was doing you a favour. And what about your poor DH, who must have been put in a very awkward position?

OTOH, I agree with you that she was pathetic and childish not to speak to you afterwards and mean to take out her anger on the GC by refusing to speak to them over Christmas.

You have 2 options: be the bigger person, apologise for being rude about the babysitting incident and let your (understandable) annoyance at her behaviour go or carry on this feud indefinitely, by PA texts or other means. If you really put the interests of your DC first - as you claim - you'll do the former.

m0therofdragons · 31/12/2014 13:55

I'm just imagining mil's version is a bit different.
You put your foot down? ! Why didn't you have a grown up conversation rather than seemingly throwing a strop so mil now feels uncomfortable around you?
You seem to have created expectations and rules but mil perhaps doesn't know them or want to be that kind of gp. You say they only visited twice but how many times did you visit them?

pictish · 31/12/2014 13:58

we just asked them to be in sole charge of our children on the day agreed and asked them to see the other people on the third day

You just asked...

What makes you think you ought to have any say on how they spend their three days at all?
They agreed to look after your children...that should have been enough for you. To then go on to outline how you might spend their time while doing it, was overstepping the mark imo. How bossy!

Just nothing.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 14:01

Arrrrgggghhh Pictish they actually offered to look after them

If everyone could read my other posts you will see we didn't put our foot down or forbid anything we asked for them to see the 'guests' on a different day.

Arrrggghhhh!

OP posts:
pictish · 31/12/2014 14:02

how they* might spend their time...jeez get an edit button 15 years ago already mumsnet.

MaryWestmacott · 31/12/2014 14:02

OP - did you have a thread at the time of the wedding? This rings a bell and I believe at the time the general view on the thread was you were right, your DCs didn't know their grandparents very well and didn't know the other 4 adults at all, it wasn't fair on them to be expected to play nicely while 6 adults they didn't really know having a nice afternoon in their house. It was a bit much for the children who'd not been left with their Grandparents ever before and don't really know them.

I believe at the time you were advised to cancel PIL and find other childcare for the wedding but your DH wouldn't let you as he thought his parents would be more upset at that than having their meet up plans cancelled. I still think that would have been the better option, but too late now.

Re this situation, I think you should do nothing. Send a 'thank you card' for the gifts, and then just leave it. If your PIL do have a problem with you and your DCs, then your DH needs to deal with it. You don't do anything.

Tell yourself the ball is in their court, you will be polite, but don't invite them again, don't arrange to see them, and never, ever ask them to have the children or help you in any way. Don't get wound up about what they do for SIL, make sure you don't need them.

pictish · 31/12/2014 14:03

Doesn't matter whether they offered or you asked...it's irrelevant!
You still don't get to arrange their schedule for them ok?

minionmadness · 31/12/2014 14:09

Apoc I think you know exactly what I meant, but chose to interpret in a way that suited your argument. The OP had already said they were visiting for more than one day, so not unreasonable to expect them to prioritise the dgc for some of that. As I said!

Not trying to impress anyone clam merely expressing an opinion. If one of your dc or dgc felt inferior to another due to your actions, who's fault would that be then?

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 14:09

Yes Mary - this thread has descended into a repeat! I'm going to check out now, thanks folks & happy new year x

OP posts:
Cobain · 31/12/2014 14:10

It is a lot easier to grandparent when the parents facilitate the relationship. The inviting family over I can see both sides but would your SIL have accepted this or would she have "put her foot down". They may have all this help as the SIL is generally more easy going. Looking after grandchildren should be enjoyable not a test. I would not FaceTime but then my children would know this and phone me instead. It is hard when you live away as I know I can overanalyse things and lack of social time is a killer.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 14:16

One last thing before I do check out. Cobain it is very difficult to have a phone conversation with a 15month old & a 3 month old but on FaceTime they can wave and see the grandparents, show toys, drawing etc etc.

OP posts:
clam · 31/12/2014 14:18

minion No one "makes" anyone else feel anything. Our feelings are our own. What upsets one person, rolls off the back of another, as this thread has amply demonstrated. You can't live your life according to what other people may or may not feel, not if you want to stay sane, anyway; that is their stuff. All we can do is to try to be nice, fair, kind and treat others with respect. And if we cock something up, then apologise.

Here endeth the lesson from St Clam! I need to get on...

Mintyy · 31/12/2014 14:30

"poster SparklyTwinkleGlitter Wed 31-Dec-14 13:38:24
Phew OP, thank goodness you're not my DIL.

Both of mine are lovely, live hundreds of miles away sad and don't play silly childish games.

Why not try acting like an adult for a change instead of a sulky teenager?"

^ what an unpleasant, uncalled for reply! Do you really think that is an adult way to respond to someone you disagree with on the internet SparklyTwinkleGlitter?

charlestonchaplin · 31/12/2014 14:30

Some people seem to think it is the duty of grandparents to walk over hot coals and fight battles to see and engage with their grandchildren. I don't think anyone would say it isn't a good thing for grandparents to be interested and involved, but not at any cost. Many persist in the face of resistance or a difficult relationship with the boss but others will disengage, consciously or unconsciously. Parents do it to grandparents to avoid stress but when grandparents do it it is favouritism. Maybe it is, but the angsty relationship with the OP is a contributing factor to the grandparents' lack of interest, though not the only reason probably.

They can probably relax in their daughter's house and treat it very much like their home. With a daughter-in-law you need to be so careful and you'll still probably get it wrong. It's just reality that the woman of the house tends to determine the atmosphere in the home, who is welcome, who is not. Basically some grandparents pull away if they find these interactions too stressful, and it is your children that may lose out, not the grandparents.

Original poster
Ruperta · 31/12/2014 14:35

So charleston are you saying it is my fault that MIL basically ignored my children over the as period? Although we facetime'd every day? I love mumsnet Smile really must put the iPad down now & step away.

OP posts: