Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
Jodie1982 · 29/12/2014 19:55

OP also mentioned that DDs father has a GF that lives there, why couldn't she help in keeping DDs hair Matt free?

ReputableBiscuit · 29/12/2014 19:58

Is nobody else Shock at this post?!

"Add message | Report | Message poster Floggingmolly Mon 29-Dec-14 14:48:37
I don't get the offence that calling Afro hair a "problem" causes. I have what looks like Afro hair although I'm 100% white and the hair itself is actually red.
Dd has it too, in a slightly milder version, thank God. Compared to what I can only call normal hair like Dh and the ds's were blessed with; it definitely is a problem.
I'm also taller than average, that can be a problem too although it's probably derogatory to tall people to say so..."

Er, no it's not OK to call Afro hair a 'problem', nor use 'normal' as its opposite!

sanfairyanne · 29/12/2014 20:28

i dont think it is neglectful not to brush an 8 year olds hair, unless they cant actually do it themselves. by that, i am thinking because of some kind of disability. my 7 year old has v tatty hair, she spends about 10 mins every morning and a couple of times a day brushing it with a tangle teaser/sprays. i dont do any of it. havent done it for years. it is on a par with tooth brushing. i remind, not do the actual brushing. dd also has to have the ends trimmed regularly as it makes it easier to brush
so just on the title, i dont think it is neglectful as long as the child has access to hairbrush etc

BeyondTheTreelights · 29/12/2014 20:31

If my carer refused to brush my hair, that would be unacceptable and i'd sack the lazy bastard. Of course it is neglectful :(

I dont have any answers though, sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 20:31

I'm a bit Hmm at your post, Reputable. Do you generally need reinforcements?

If you read Floggingmolly's post she's making a comparison of HER afro-like hair (I also have a white friend with this type of hair) and she's saying that HER hair is a problem to her. She has to manage it on a daily basis. It's a description... how else would you like her to describe it? Are you now going to make this into some race-related issue which this isn't? Do you think that Floggingmolly is somehow being malicious?

My hair is like the opposite of this. If I were trying to describe it, I'd say it's like curly baby-chick feathers and it's a nightmare to manage and very prone to tangles. I can't think of a human-like description.

BeyondTheTreelights · 29/12/2014 20:33

Dont know if it would help to use me and my 'lazy carer' as an example if you spoke to him about it? Depends how amicable you are, i guess?

ReputableBiscuit · 29/12/2014 20:38

Lying, she literally calls Afro hair a problem. Then says her hair is like Afro hair. She can call her own hair whatever she likes, but she has just described an entire swathe of the world's hair as a problem!

It's not imagined offence to think someone saying 'I don't see why calling Afro hair a problem is wrong' is deeply, deeply thoughtless at best.

CallMeExhausted · 29/12/2014 20:40

I sadly have the same problem with my DD - she wears her hair in plaits all the time as a result.

After her bath, it gets plaited, then again in the morning when she wakes, and again right before bed.

She likes it that way, and although she has wavy hair, matting and tangling has become far less of a problem. It was a struggle at first, but has become routine, so avoiding it now is not an option - she keeps me in line with reminders.

And... Leave in conditioner right after the bath makes the brushing a lot less painful.

ReputableBiscuit · 29/12/2014 20:42

The context being, of course, the massive, massive history of people with 'African' hair, whether within Europe, America or Africa itself, being told explicitly or by cultural insinuation that their hair is inferior and should be straightened, lightened, made more European. Honestly, Lying, you're just making yourself look quite ignorant.

JavelinArse · 29/12/2014 20:43

I do think Reputable has a point. Using 'normal' as a way to describe hair which isn't afro/afro did make me Hmm a bit.

Unfortunately afro hair is often seen as being a 'problem', I have lost count of the number of times I have heard people talking about good (non-afro)/bad(afro) hair of mixed race children I was even guilty of doing this myself when my own children were tiny .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 20:44

Yes, Biscuit it was thoughtless, I agree with that. What I read in the post was that she has Afro-type hair and can't manage it - that's the problem. I would also be very crap at managing it.

I know she hasn't posted back but I really don't think she was meaning to call Afro hair a 'problem', she was talking about her own that is perhaps similar in texture and just didn't think.

If you think it's a malicious or offensive post though then you should report it, really.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 20:47

Oh, do fuck off Reputable. I described the problem I have with mine and dd's hair, and I'm not alone in that, it's a family wide trait and we'd all rather have a more manageable type.
Compared to straight hair, it's a difficult to manage problem, in my personal opinion.
I haven't dissed an entire stratum of society, I just speak from experience. That ok with you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 20:48

Cross-posted with you both, Reputable and Javelin

Then report my posts too, please do. I just really don't like the race connotations when this was all about hair-tangling.

ReputableBiscuit · 29/12/2014 20:49

I don't think it was malicious, just unthinkingly offensive. If any posters are interested and have five minutes, they might like to read this (albeit specifically American) on the history of racism and African hair: understandingblackhair.com/our-history/

JavelinArse · 29/12/2014 20:50

I don't think Flogging's post was intentionally offensive but it reminds me of the same way people would without thinking use the word 'normal' to describe people who are not disabled.

Tron123 · 29/12/2014 20:53

Not sure why cutting hair should be a problem as that is what many parents say to many children of this age if they cannot or will not brush their hair

ReputableBiscuit · 29/12/2014 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 20:54

Yes, Javelin, my use of "normal" was unthinking and unintentionally offensive, I see that. Sorry.
I stand by my use of the word problem, though, purely in a personal context because, to me, it is.

TheXxed · 29/12/2014 20:56

OP if your daughter uses a hair wrap when she is with her dad it will be much easier to manage when she gets home.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 20:58

Reputable. If you feel I've been racist then I will apologise, but the intention was certainly not there because I consider myself to have Afro hair...

MiaowTheCat · 29/12/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffling · 29/12/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 29/12/2014 21:14

OP I have quite fine very long hair and the only way I keep it from getting tangled is by using a shitload of conditioner every time I wash it. I use conditioner that's labelled "intensive" ie the ones that are marketed to leave in for half an hour or so. I find if I leave it in for the five minutes when I'm washing in the shower they help keep my hair tangle free. I also use leave in conditioner every time I wash my hair. Easier than brushing!

grannytomine · 29/12/2014 21:14

Honestly I don't think anyone is being racist by describing their hair as a problem. If I think about people I know the ones with straight hair seem to want curls, the ones with curls spend hours straightening it. People with dark hair wan it blonde and so on and so on. I can't count the number of times I grew out layers as I wanted long hair and as soon as it got to a decent length I had it cut short again. Ang generally started growing it again. Hair is a problem and expense for most people I know. Look at the expensive products people buy, look at what they spend at the hairdressers. The sooner we all decide bald is beautiful the better.

On a separate note I don't know if it is just where I live but I have grandchildren in year 3 and 5, so either side of OPs daughter in year 4. The girls seem to have a variety of styles fron short pixie cuts to long hair, I don't think any of them feel they don't fit in because of their hair, well they hide it well if they do.

OP I hope it gets better as she gets older.

grannytomine · 29/12/2014 21:21

I am also ............... ginger. Yes the last great prejudice but now its going grey suddenly my golden locks seem more appealing. We are never happy are we.