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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 29/12/2014 17:13

I bet it looks a right mess to anyone but his adoring mother abby.

TooHasty · 29/12/2014 17:14

she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me

It sounds a pain for everybody concerned including (in fact especially) the kid.It needs cutting.

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 17:17

fanjo, we home educate. But have moved recently so saw a new HV who didn't bat an eyelid at his hair. He has clean perfect teeth, a clean nose, a clean bum (not that the HV saw the latter). His hair is just no big deal.

My point of commenting on this thread was just to say hair doesn't have to be such a big deal, why such a need to conform to what society deems acceptable? Sure, some kids are neglected, but mine certainly is not, and messy hair really isn't an issue, unless there are nits, or similar. (Not had to cross that bridge yet.)

My child is super happy, and he loves his hair.

If the OP's child wants her hair brushed and like the other children, that is also fine, she just needs to put up with getting it brushed. Or OP could try brushing it when the child is asleep, as that works for us. I admit I only brush his for my own vanity, as I like reminding myself there are gorgeous curls when it is brushed - he likes the look too, but he rocks his rocker look so much we don't feel the need to brush it every day, it doesn't seem worth it.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 17:19

Whatever, Abby... When did unbrushed hair become rock star hair??
No four year old has rock star hair. They can have unbrushed, neglected hair.
And his sweet nature; whilst sounding adorable, has bog all to do with anything.

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 17:20

Nicki, obviously to some, according to posters on this thread, it does look a mess. My poor neglected orphan child.
But he honestly gets loads of compliments on it. And we move in alternative circles a bit anyway, it's really all good here.

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 17:24

Flogging, when it is a matter of personal opinion. As with many things. To me, his unbrushed hair looks fabulous, he rocks it. Surfer dude rock star cross. His hair isn't neglected. It's just natural, wild, free.
Yes, sweet-natured doesn't mean much, I just meant he is sunny, happy, carefree - not the look of a neglected scuzzy waif.

NickiFury · 29/12/2014 17:25

We home educate too Abby so are considered pretty alternative ourselves round our way. I'm sure he's perfectly fine Smile.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 17:28

The dd is accepting the pain. but she should t have to accept more than is necessary and 5 days worth in one hit be case of teh fathers laziness

CheerfulYank · 29/12/2014 17:32

Some kids (I'm looking at you, DD) look a bit ragamuffin-y not matter what you do, but yes I think it is neglectful to not brush your child's hair.

I have "problem" hair. It's thick but very fine and when wet ties itself into knots. My hair stylist tells me it is without a doubt the worst head of hair for tangles she has ever seen.

And I don't agree it should be cut. The girl has anxiety about fitting in.

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 17:37

He is, Nicki. I was just challenging the notion that unbrushed hair = neglectful.

catkind · 29/12/2014 18:05

Don't know what the answer to OP's predicament is, but I'm finding it massively sad how many people on this thread are judging children and their parents on something as trivial as hairstyle or brushedness. How sad that this little girl feels so much pressure to have long hair that she's putting up with brushing that she hates. Very telling that it's "she wants to fit in" not "she likes her hair long".

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 18:15

but I'm finding it massively sad how many people on this thread are judging children and their parents on something as trivial as hairstyle or brushedness

no we are judging a dad who didn't brush his kids hair properly for days. because he was "too busy"

despite knowing a neurological condition means her hair gets tangled badly over night.

Branleuse · 29/12/2014 18:16

my dd is 6 and ive told her that if she cant keep it brushed, she needs to let me cut it as hers knots easily.

maddening · 29/12/2014 18:23

Yanbu

Bun in a bun net?

maddening · 29/12/2014 18:25

But Abby this little girl is putting her hair into dreadlocks when not brushed. - and not. "Rock star " dreadlocks these will be matted masses of hair - hardly comfortable nor easy to keep clean

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 29/12/2014 18:40

Unbrushed matted hair certainly does not make dreadlocks and with the amount of prejudice against Black people with properly maintained dreadlocks because the perception that it is just matted hair needs to be challenged as well, Abby. Neither is matted hair part of any native Hawaiian styles or their surfing traditions.

A parent who is 'too busy' to help a child with their care when asked has little to do with body autonomy and far more to do with neglect. If a child (or anyone else that requires help with maintaining their appearance) who wants their hair brushed and neat - regardless of the reasons - it would be neglectful of the carers, and against the person's body autonomy, not to spend 15 minutes giving them the care that they ask for and would in fact damage that person's hair and view of what autonomy they have on themselves due their carer being so busy for multiple days in a row.

brokenhearted55a · 29/12/2014 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 19:01

I have given my exH the same brush and spray that I use.

That is a tangle teaser/tamer and argan/Moroccan oil spray.

I have previously shown him how to deal with her tangled hair.

I have explained to her that shorter hair would be easier to manage. I am very anti-gender-stereotypes and I have no wish for her to have any particular hair style other than the one that she chooses to be best for her.

She has anxiety and does not want her hair cut. I have no control over this. She has been exposed to positive images of women with shorter hair. As is typical of many yr 4 children, she is (sadly) very conservative when it comes to appearance and gender.

Cutting her hair is not an option at the moment.

She chooses to sit through 15 mins a day of brushing when she is with me, rather than have shorter hair.

I appreciate all the suggestions, especially regarding silk pillowcases and wraps etc.

This thread is not about how to get an eight year old girl to accept a shorter hair style.

It is not about tips for avoiding tangled hair on a daily basis. Although that has been useful, I can pretty much guarantee that my exH will not do anything that I suggest, even if it is for DDs benefit. So it will not help while she is under his care.

I have met ExH's gf once. It was very amicable. I have no problems with her. She has no dc herself and seems quite inexperienced with dc. I get the impression that she finds DD a bit difficult. Apart from the one occasion when I met her, she seems to be avoiding me as, even though I regularly drop DD off at their house, she is never around. Ever. Even when her car is on the drive. I am also not permitted to have her mobile number for emergencies. I can't actually contact her or speak to her and I don't think she wants to speak to me. Don't think I have much chance of getting her on side.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 19:05

I think her messy hair had a bad effect on her emotionally too. She was quite upset and quiet when she came back but cheered up once her hair was sorted.

OP posts:
minklundy · 29/12/2014 19:09

Are shorter but more frequent visits an option so it doesn't have to go 5 days? Or was that just very exceptional circumstances over xmas?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 19:12

Exceptional over Xmas.

OP posts:
nooka · 29/12/2014 19:17

I'm afraid that it doesn't sound like a very solvable problem, at least for now.

My dd had terribly tangly hair, very fine and she also rubbed it somehow so that it went into mats incredibly easily (she also got things in it, jam, honey, paint etc). I sat with her head in my lap for long periods of time gently teasing it out, but part of the problem was that once it matted it got kinks in it and was never really smooth again.

When dh and I separated for a while her hair was an issue as he didn't have the patience to untangle it and she wouldn't let him anyway. So it wouldn't get brushed properly and then matted right on her skull, and if he noticed he just cut out the mats with scissors, leaving weird baldy patches.

We got it cut short in the end as it was the only solution really. Now looking back I don't really understand why we ever had it long for her, it looked fairly terrible most of the time really :( I wish that people didn't feel that little girls had to have long hair, and that that social 'fitting in' pressure wasn't there. Very few adult women have waist length hair, so why do we do it to our little girls? It's mostly not really their choice, just the norm.

OP I hope that some of the solutions offered here work for your little girl. One thing we have noticed with dd is that as she has got older the extreme tangliness seems to have gone. I think she could have longer hair now without problems.

landrover · 29/12/2014 19:39

Is it worth asking a hairdresser to put layers in? Still keeps the long hair, but much easier to manage?

minklundy · 29/12/2014 19:41

On that case I would tell him clearly and simply the effect that him not doing her hair has had.
know that yes you are justified to think he is neglectful don't expect miracles in future. Some nrps are a bit shit and all you can do is tell them what dcs need you cannot make them do it.

But at least it is unlikely to go that long again.

Hope pillow suggestion works.

catkind · 29/12/2014 19:52

Giles, those aren't the posts I'm sad about.

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