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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
eatyouwithaspoon · 29/12/2014 21:30

For all of you saying have her hair cut, she doesnt want it cut it doesnt matter why irs her hair her choice. I was forced to have short hair by my mum as a child till I was and adult Angry as it got very tangly and she couldnt be bothered and, as an adult, and now have real issues having hair trims / cuts and hate going to the hairdressers. My dc are able to choose they own hair length, long, short or whatever theirchoice and visit the hairdresser regularly (unlike me) and I help my dc with brushing at 8. To the poster who said who decides, its the childs hair - their choice! My dh is useless brushing long hair and has no idea how to care for it but has a try and certainley wouldnt leave hair unbrushed for 5 days, her needs to get on with it.

wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 21:32

sorry not read the whole thread as the bashing of mrsdevere is just pathetic!! I don't happen to agree with all her points but I do think people are deliberately trying to piss her off and offend.

OP - i think the silk pillow case at home is definitely worth a try. Have you tried speaking to a Senior Hair stylist to see if they can offer some products or methods of tying up her hair so that it doesn't get so matted and can miss the odd day of brushing?

your ex has been a bit of a cock but if she gets as distressed as you say then part of me can understand his reluctance especially if he doesn't see her often and is now not going to see her for over a month. doesn't make it right hut slightly understandable that he doesn't want her last memory of him for a month to be related to pain.

would something like a bandana over her hair or even a hair net help her? assuming her mh issues could cope with it? you can buy some pretty ones in places like Claires Accessories that have elastic on (or make one with her) rather than having a knot under her hair at night.

it must be awful for your daughter! and for what it's worth I don't think that cutting her hair will solve the issue, if anything something like a pixie cut will probably make it worse as the hair will get into tighter knots

TheXxed · 29/12/2014 21:38

This thread is bizarre, Fluffling I found those comments extremely problematic and I am mixed race hth

sanfairyanne · 29/12/2014 21:42

fwiw i also agree with 'her hair, her choice' (with trims a non negotiable as split ends are not an acceptable choice imo) but hand in hand with 'she deals with it' eg hair brushing or not

wheresthelight · 29/12/2014 21:45

sanfairy I would agree if we weren't discussing a child with several mental health issues that mean she is not capable. the child is brushing her hair but the fretting and head rubbing in her sleep is matting it making it hard for even a grown adult to brush out. you need to pay more attention to the thread before waltzing in and making such a sweeping statement

CallMeExhausted · 29/12/2014 21:50

Oddly enough, at DH's family Christmas this weekend, the topic of hair came up (primarily because 16yo DS's hair is dyed an unnatural colour and DH and I are fine with it, as are DH's parents - if he wants to "rebel" that way, more power to him).

DH has had "Afro" hair as a young man - he is as ginger as they come, but his hair was in tight, wiry curls - he described it as "Ronald McDonald" hair. He commented that it was amazingly easy to care for. Wake up, run his pick comb through it and off he went.

How times have changed, at this point in time, it seems that only "acceptable" hair is what is on someone else's head.

sanfairyanne · 29/12/2014 21:58

i understood night time mental health problems that led to hair rubbing but otherwise an eight year old with no physical or mental disability preventing hair brushing. my 7 year old has brushed her tangles out since at least age 6. it takes a long time and perserverance. before that, she mostly had tangly hair tbh

CallMeExhausted · 29/12/2014 22:06

Also, MrsDeVere - you know I have the utmost respect for you... so I am going to leave you with a phrase that gets me through most days...

Always let the asshole get the last word.

This has descended into an attempt at provocation, and you are above it.

landrover · 29/12/2014 22:07

Layers? The way to go? Then it can still be long and yet manageable?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/12/2014 22:07

Yes I agree with it being neglectful. However, I also agree with the posters who are suggesting cutting it short, you could get her a lovely bob which would be much easier to manage. There are lots of nice styles around, maybe you could go and buy some hair magazines.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 23:06

She doesn't have a physical disability that prevents her from brushing her hair, however because of her MH/anxiety issues she gets very frustrated and angry and doesn't have the patience to persevere with brushing it fully.

She is being assessed for ASD at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 23:08

I have ordered silk pillowcases (not sure if I want to give one to exH to use at that price when he probably won't bother using it or looking after it!) and a silk wrap thingy.

MrsDV, I find you honest and straightforward and I like your posting style. Some people can be very prickly and sensitive, don't you think?

OP posts:
TooHasty · 29/12/2014 23:15

Some very 'modern' parents on here with the 'her hair , her choicebollocks!'
Lots of kids don't want their toenails clipped, teeth filled etc but they have to have it done regardless.
Spending 15 minutes a day just to detangle it (before you even think about styling it) is utterly ridiculous .That is nearly 2 hours a week.You be a martyr if you like , but what an utter waste of an 8 yr olds time when she could be playing or doing something productive.

Goldmandra · 29/12/2014 23:17

I've learned to my cost that when a child is struggling with MH issues, they need routine and security to help them cope. Pushing your DD to become more independent about managing her own hair would be the wrong thing to do. You're making a difficult everyday situation manageable for her and her father ought to be doing the same. Does he agree with her being assessed/treated by CAMHS?

When your DD is ready, she will find a way to take responsibility for managing her own hair, either by dealing with the morning brushing routine herself or finding a way to make it unnecessary, possibly be getting it cut. in the meantime your support is invaluable to her.

I hope the pillow cases and the wrap help.

Trollsworth · 29/12/2014 23:28

Fifteen minutes to brush hair is NOT excessive at all. I spend at least that brushing my own should length mop. I don't want short hair, it would make me feel less feminine, and I certainly still needed help to brush my hair well up until high school.

I HATE seeing little girls with SN with a cropped head. It's not usually a choice a little girl would make, and it's nearly always been done to make the carers job easier. I am very glad my mother didn't do that to me because she felt that spending fifteen minutes helping me in the morning was too much to ask.

OP.

I would suggest that you speak to you ex about it, issue him with a letter hat you keep a copy of. Detail the misery that his neglect has caused. Unfortunately you cannot force him to care for her properly, but you can stop her going overnight if he won't look after her properly.

Ps - someone who doesn't bothet to care for their child probably won't bother paying for a lawyer either, so don't panic.

CheerfulYank · 29/12/2014 23:36

I needed help brushing my hair til I was 12 or so and I have no SN! Just extremely tangly thick hair with rat's nests underneath.

TooHasty · 29/12/2014 23:38

Crikey! I brush my (longer) hair in about 15 seconds!!
.
I don't think anyone is suggesting a crewcut for the lass, just a fashionable little bob

CallMeExhausted · 29/12/2014 23:54

Just a contribution to the girls with significant SN and long hair argument - it is absolutely a choice that I feel is worthy of attention.

My DD (9) is significantly physically disabled, as well as having behavioural issues secondary to a stroke she suffered as a tiny infant. However, she has a preference for keeping her hair long.

She attends a highly specialised school, and in her class, there are four girls, including her. Interestingly enough, all four have long hair - despite significant disabilities. They mostly wear it in plaits, or bunches, and if it goes awry, the aide in the class will help to get it back in order - I am so happy to say that their preferences as 9yo girls are respected.

OP, I hope you are able to find a solution to your DD's struggle - I know that my DD does not have a lot of control over the world around her, but finally falling into a routine with her (previously unmanageable) hair has made us both quite a bit more relaxed.

Admittedly, I kind of like the fact that I can be lazy for a day when her hair is in plaits, and know that she will be fine. I recently had surgery, and tightly plaited her hair the morning I went in - she was fine for 2 days until I was able to care for it again.

StrattersThePreciousSnowflake · 29/12/2014 23:55

As the mother of a daughter with similar MH problems, there is NO WAY I would make her have her hair cut against her wishes. More than anything, someone with anxiety needs the reassurance that their wishes don't be ignored, and that their desire to fit in isn't overlooked. It's incredibly important to DD that she looks right, and I understand completely how you and your DD feel, YouAre.

And yes, it's neglectful. 15 minutes, that's all, 15 minutes is nothing. I still brush DD2's hair for her when it's got really bad, and she's 17. Like Cheerful we both have masses and masses of fine hair, and it tangles appallingly, particularly at the nape. But I do think XH might have given it up as too difficult if it's traumatic for your DD. I'd suggest trying the silk scarf or cap whilst she's there, and concentrate on teaching her how to care for it herself.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/12/2014 01:41

I wouldn't always assume girls with SN with cropped hair have it done for carer's convenience.

For example DD really doesn't have a preference for hair length AFAIK. She has it long but it gets so tuggy that brushing distresses her. Have tried plaits etc. So she may have to have it cut shorter. She won't actually care at all. But wouldn't like people to go round judging me as having it short for own convenience :(

Will try different methods for keeping it tug free as it looks nice and her teachers love plaiting it and she likes them doing it but have to think of her distress.

But of course if a child does have a preference it should absolutely be respected. But please don't judge carers automatically.

happybubblebrain · 30/12/2014 02:01

I agree OP it is neglectful and it is very lazy not to show your children how to take good care of themselves.

DD's hair is extremely long and it gets tangled overnight; but 2 - 3 minutes with a good hair oil and a good brush, holding it so it doesn't pull at the roots, and it looks lovely. DD doesn't want to cut her hair, if she wanted to I'd let her as it is up to her, but her hair is so beautiful it would be a shame.

TheNewStatesman · 30/12/2014 06:01

"I HATE seeing little girls with SN with a cropped head. "

Well, I don't think anyone was even remotely suggesting this. The impression I got was that some people were suggesting a bob or shoulder length style that was a bit less traumatizing to comb through.

QuickSilverFairy · 30/12/2014 07:11

My 7 year old daughter has short hair and hates to have her hair brushed. I actually prefer long hair on girls but my little girl insists on having her hair short. Unfortunately, she has fine hair prone to fly away's and cow licks. Her hair looks undone five minutes after brushing, no matter how much effort is put into it's care. I'm saddened by comments about " chopped off or SN cuts". We have her hair cut at a salon devoted to children's hair and spend a decent amount on her hair cuts.

Parent's are responsible for looking after their children's grooming until they can manage on their own. If my dh and I were separated, I would absolutely expect him to manage her teeth, bath and hair. He would expect the same from me, I should think.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/12/2014 07:33

Quicksilverfairy does she have SN?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/12/2014 07:52

If not I would not say you are 'saddened" by the use of SN cut, as if its some kind of insult because that is NOT very nice.