To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

People were saying it was sad as it looked like the child with SN had no say in the style, not because it was some sort of marker for looking like you had SN.

Jeeze.

YouAreMyRain if the silk wrap thing works! could you teach her how to use that herself and she could take it with her to her father's?

The matting caused by head rubbing is difficult to deal with whatever the length of the hair because of the knotting at the scalp. Ds's goes stiff, like it has been weaved together and I have to deal with that however much of a pain it is.

People were saying it was sad as it looked like the child with SN had no say in the style, not because it was some sort of marker for looking like you had SN.

I think that was implied TBH. The assumption appeared to be that short hair on a girl means you either have a parent who can't be arsed to look after long hair or there are SNs involved. Both of which are insulting to NT and children with SNs alike, as well as a fair few parents.

That's probably open to misinterpretation. It's not that it is insulting to be thought of as having SNs but that an assumption has been made on the basis of a hair cut.

No I disagree. I think more than one poster has said they would hate their NT child to be thought of as having an "SN cut".

And having SN should not be an "insult" should it.

And having SN should not be an "insult" should it.

Maybe read the post I made immediately after the first.

Fanjo, my little girl has sensory disorder. I don't know exactly how she feels but she describes having her hair brushed as if "Great big birds were pulling on it". She has difficulty with many sensations, including teeth brushing and hair washing. If she wished for longer hair, we would try to figure out ways to accommodate her. I would feel sad if people thought we have her hair short because she lives with SN.

Yes, the SN 'look'.

Often it can't be avoided because sensory issues or difficulties with fastening clothing etc make it necessary for certain decisions to be made, but I wholeheartedly agree that those with SN should look as much like their peers as possible. I no longer chose the clothes for my son who's a young man of 24. One of my daughters who's only a year older than him buys them with her husband just so her brother doesnt have the 'look'. I mean, not that he doesn't have a look anyway :)

I did read the post. And as you see i disagreed with it

Quicksilverfairy fair enough. Hopefully she will grow out of it a little and find things easier to cope with :)

My DD has

However as I said she may need her hair cut shorter since she lives with SN. And has no preference. Not a "look" but a way to avoid her screaming daily in pain.

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned but I have a daughter who does the same and her hair used to be a matted mess in the morning.

I now brush argan oil through her hair before bed then tightly plait it and she sleeps on a silk pillowcase. It hasn't resolved the problem entirely but her hair is far more manageable now than it used to be and getting ready in the morning takes much less time.

What Turkey soup says is what I was trying to say (badly) up thread.

The implication is girls would never have short hair by choice, it's been forced upon them by lazy parents or lazy carers.

o/p I wasn't suggesting that you drag her off for a hair cut, but gently make some positive comments about a shorter hairstyle, point out role models, get magazines and discuss hairstyles she likes and would not tangle.

Eventually it might become her own idea to get it cut, if she can see that short (er) hair is not the freak show that many seem to think it is.

In the meantime it's going to be minimising tangles with all these suggestions, and talking to your ex about why he didn't brush her hair.

Fanjo, I hope she will have more ways to cope as she grows older. My older so lives with AD. He had many of the same issues when he was younger. He is 18 now and looks after himself very well. I wish people were much more accepting of differences.

My 20 yr old DS has cp and poor hand function.
Unfortunately he also likes a goatee beard. Now I hate facial hair-dos under any circumstances...now I find I have to shape and trim one on a regular basis. Although I often ask if it's time for a new look, I wouldn't dream of going against his wishes and 'accidentally' shaving off his beard. If it doesn't affect other people and he's not open to be persuaded, then that's how it is with every aspect of his life.
OP it might be worth investing in a brazilian blow dry a couple of times a year (brazilian not Japanese). It is expensive but can be very effective, the individual hairs don't mat together. If you explain the circumstances a sympathetic hairdresser might give a discount. May be worth a try.

Spring, my son recently had to go without shaving for over a week due to a cold sore on his lip and it meant he developed quite a beard. He look fabulous, it really suited him, but despite telling him he was a hunk etc with his beard he never gave keeping it a though and as soon as he could he was off to the barber for a shave.

It was just like when I say to one of my other boys 'oh for gods sake shave your beard off' - it went right over his head :D

Interesting thread. I am very sensitive to the idea of a 'SN look' - my DD2 is severely disabled and has short hair. Short as in chin-length, not what I think of as 'cropped'.

I don't know how my DD would really like her hair to be - our communication isn't at that level, and she's never given me any hint that she thinks long hair is a good thing. What I do know is that she utterly hates having her hair brushed (sensory issues presumably), and her uncontrolled hand movements mean that she pulls and tugs at her hair all the time. She is also quite dribbly, which has an impact on her hair when it's longer.

So it is short for our 'convenience' - yes I admit it, her care is very time-consuming and her behaviour can be 'challenging' - but also, I firmly believe, for her comfort. It makes her miserable to have her hair fiddled with for any length of time at all.

I've painted a negative picture here of my swDD. She is very pretty, and it's really important to me that she looks lovely and that people see her and not her disability. I dress her as nicely as I can, and she wears pretty hair slides in her short hair.

I respect MrsDV's opinions very much, and I would weep buckets if I thought I was giving in to a 'SN look'. We do the best we can for DD.

Well I didn't even know there was a "SN look" until I read this thread. My dd (7) has short hair. She's always had short hair and now asks for side swept fringes to style it. Her is very thick so it gets thinned with every cut too.

I wouldn't have even thought twice about suggesting to the OP to have her hair cut or even layered/thinned to make it more manageable for her dd. That way you can retain the length but it's lighter iyswim.

Having a girl's hair cut needn't conjure up images of a sheep being sheared.

I hope the silk pillows work OP.

swDD = sweet DD!

Mrsmccoll I totally understand

I think the whole concept of "SN look" is not great tbh. We have no idea why carers have done something and shouldn't judge them really.

I have worked my whole adult life with individuals with special needs, and don't see this so-called SN look nowadays. Yes, it definitely was a 'thing' in days of old, bowl haircuts and shift dresses and mismatched pullovers, but that's not the same as having your child's hair cut to a sensible length to avoid their distress or support.

Not everyone values trendy haircuts, including some children with SN. Having your child's hair cut into a trendy style is not a marker of your love and respect for them in and of itself. If you are supporting a twenty year old to have a goatee by choice that's incredibly different to styling the hair of someone nonverbal who has never expressed any interest in their hair other than desiring it to be left alone. Context is everything.

In the case of the OP, it's not about the hair either. It's about a lazy feckless ex who would be like this about anything that didn't suit himself so yanbu, OP.