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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
MrsMcColl · 30/12/2014 09:05

Thanks for reassurance, Duplodon. And thanks Fanjo for 'getting it'.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 09:13

I so agree with you Duplodon, I used to work with adults who have learning disabilities and have an Autistic child of my own, it is awful each morning brushing my dd longer hair in the morning due to sensory issues. Shorter hair makes life so much easier for her and me, why would I put my child through that for a couple of extra inches, unless like the op it woukd distress my child to cut it. Dd dident mind either way, she agreed to it being cut.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 09:20

It's so sexist, long hair on girls and shirt hair on boys, what the hell is it anyone's business. Not all little girls like long hair, does not mean they have SN if they have, how presumptuous! Do people think that of celebrities with shirt cropped hair. When I was a little girl I loved short hair, and wanted to look boy like, I hated long hair. It does not help my hair is incredibly find and flyaway and doesent do long. nit all Females can do the long haired look.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 09:22

Macoll you do what you have to, cut dd hair if it's going to make it easier. It's minimal in comparison to the live and care you give to your dd.

BigRedBall · 30/12/2014 09:23

For me, daily hairstyling is low down in my list of priorities when taking care of my children. None of them have SN as far as I'm aware. Clean clothes/fed/washed and watered everyday are my priorities. And I suppose it's the same for most other parents too regardless of if they have a child with SN or not. We all do what's best and what works for us. And I agree fanjo judging carers for doing something is indeed, unfair.

saintlyjimjams · 30/12/2014 09:31

It took us ages to find a hair cut that was right for ds1. Eventually we found clipping it (not skinhead!!) works for him because he cannot tolerate scissors (had a deep cut recently - was fine with doctors & nurses prodding it but almost shot out the took screaming when someone took out some scissors to cut some dressing). He actually seems to like clippers.

Short hair also means there's no need to wash it (he does swim a lot) & he doesn't get nits (treating nits not fun with a severely autistic large son).

So he may have a 'SN haircut' but his hair has gone from being a source of constant stress to something he seems quite happy with.

luckygirl322 · 30/12/2014 10:04

My mother forced me to have short hair when I was little, because it was 'easier', plus the fact that she's a 'short hair' person, and always has been. I wasn't-I prefer long-ish hair, and always have. My hair length was always a source of disagreement and stress. Ridiculous really.

Try a tangle teaser or a 'wet brush' (same idea, works better for me). She's old enough to be tackling her hair herself now-these tools will make it easier. Good luck!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 10:09

Lucky I think that was tge same for a lot of children, hair grows, when your older and bale to look after it yourself, then grow it long.

redskybynight · 30/12/2014 11:22

For what it's worth, I'd actually like my 8 year old to have long hair. However SHE decided that she didn't like the hassle of brushing it every day and begged to have it cut short so it is now an attractive bob. On the basis of this thread, I'm not sure whether this makes me a bad parent or a good parent but it certainly seems that it might have been deeply controversial ...

lljkk · 30/12/2014 11:35

lol, and I seem to be the only one who had hair forcefully cut against my wishes (at same sort of age, for similar reasons) and soon saw nothing wrong with that.

As for OP's question: I don't think it was deeply neglectful, actually. Because the girl herself didn't mind hugely. 15 minutes hassle every day < 1 hour of hassle OP had after 5 days, so less net hassle for the girl, in fact.

Apologies for not reading properly, though. OP says the hair is only just beyond shoulders which isn't really long. I hope they can find a way forward with braids-silk-hairnets, etc.

minklundy · 30/12/2014 19:25

I suspect that painful and sometimes traumatic though it is, your dd probably appreciates the bonding and care that goes into smoothing out her tangles and knots.
15 minutes is quite a long time but it is time spent on her.

ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 20:16

i never brush my hair just run my hands through it before putting it in a ponytail to get rid of falling out hair.

I have nice hair and get lots of compliments so it's not like I sport dreadlocks!
It's just that I hate hairbrushing/combing - very painful memories from childhood

superstarheartbreaker · 30/12/2014 20:32

Dd has very long, thick beautiful hair. It's a nightmare to look after. Regular conditioning and treatment with Arran oil is the answer plus plait before bed. I won't cut it as it's georgeous and I want her to choose her style when she's old enough.

However, there have been times when she's had dreads. Not due to neglect so much as her not letting me, rough plT etc. not a biggie really. Just very hard to keep on top of.

My mum gave me the sn basin cut and I'm not even sn. I'm not doing that to my girl.

superstarheartbreaker · 30/12/2014 20:40

Argan oil even!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2014 07:52

"My mum gave me the SN basin cut and I'm not even SN"

Hmm
Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2014 09:05

I think you will find that the basin haircut was called the The Purdy cut and was very fashionable in the 1970/80's. A lot of girls had this cut, now it's ghastly, nothing to do with SN.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2014 09:30

Horrible insensitive comment

Tattiebogle · 31/12/2014 12:55

The 'basin haircut' in the context it was meant was not the Purdy Cut. It was the haircut given to women and girls who were institutionalised way back when, and not so way back when. Women and girls who weren't institutionalised also had the haircut because thats the way it was in those days. Men also had a version of it and my uncle had it done monthly even though he was cared for at home.

I haven't taken offence at the comment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2014 13:04

I didn't realise that a 'baisin cut' was anything other than what some people did as 'home hairdressing'' a bowl plonked upside down on your head and cut around I remember my mum giving all four of us this cut when she couldn't afford the hairdresser. The baisin was to keep the line straight. An awful cut was the result, only suited Joanna Lumley, I think.

Tattiebogle · 31/12/2014 13:38

The basin haircut was part of the uniform in institutions.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2014 14:20

Well I take offence at the term "SN basin cut" especially used in context of "and I'm not even SN" but hey we're all different.

Tattiebogle · 31/12/2014 14:22

Yes Fanjo, we're all different.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/12/2014 14:22

Is in same vein as comments like "that haircut made me look "special ".

Ugh

Tattiebogle · 31/12/2014 14:26

Im off to teach a class now Fanjo.

I hope 2-15 is a good one for you and yours.

Tattiebogle · 31/12/2014 14:26

Sorry, 2015.