To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

Do you use a Tangle Teaser hair brush ?

Yes I do do, I have a couple and the spray.

Silk pillowcases are a god send- I am a fidget at night but a silk pillowcase stops my long, thick hair getting in a horrendous mess. Tangle teaser brushes are also amazing, makes it so much easier to work through knots without hurting or damaging the hair.

I agree micah, op dd is keeping it long not for herself but for others. I asked dd if she wanted her hair cut, she agreed, and it was cut to a more manageable length tgat did not cause her prolonged distress in the mornings.

We have tangle teasers, "tangle tamer" brushes (which are more effective IME), detangling spray, and argan oil spray.

She does brush it herself before I check it (and remove the remaining 90% of the tangles)

Honestly, due to the constant friction of hair on pillow all night, she makes Russell brand look well groomed in a morning.

Yes, I agree my DD should not be under societal pressure to have long hair. However she has anxiety and MH problems (currently having psychotherapy under Camhs) so balancing her emotional wellbeing is a tricky area. At the moment, the idea of having shorter hair upsets her.

My 8 year old decided for herself that she would rather have short hair than have the hassle of brushing it (and she doesn't have the issues your DD has).

I agree with those who say not to cut it off just to make things easier, but if by 8 it's this much of a struggle even on a normal day are you and she sure you want to keep doing it?

Oh ok if that is what she really wants, Mabey when she is older she might change her mind. My dd hair was cut by my professional mobile lady who works in quite a happening salon, so dd has a lovely cut which does not single her out as looking like she has an sn.

Can you start pointing out role models with shorter hair- Emma Watson? There's a girl on an ad recently with a pixie crop. Buy some magazines and see what she likes.

Maybe compromise to start with a bob or chin length style-we found an inverted bob to be good as the back was short but longer at the front.

Gently make the point that short hair is lovely and feminine. Any teachers or adult friends?

I also allow her to experiment with stuff like hair chalk in school holidays.

Silicone sprays are also really good for de tangling, far better than kids detanglers.

"SN 'look'"

Sorry--I'm not clear...? You mean both the boys and girls had short hair?

"Why should op have to hack off her kids hair because someone else can't brush it?"

Because the kid can't brush it either as-is, and it's a "real task" even for the OP.

No eight year old should have to depend on there being an available adult and significant available time to make their hair look half way decent. What happens when she wants to go on a sleepover or a school residential trip? "Will there be anyone to sort out my hair in the morning?" should be the last thing she needs to worry about.

:( at the concept that to fit in all eight year old girls have to have long hair.

Why not a small silk scarf at night. Tied back under the flap at the back of her neck. Tricky to keep on but then it won't rub her hair, just the scarf.

Or a shower cap or a shower cap style made of silk.

Hair in bunches?

I would consider cutting it if brushing is distressing her.

It might not have been neglected that much. My DD'S hair can become matted in a day

I am happy to keep doing it if it is what she wants. It does take 15 mins every morning to brush it properly. My issue is with my exH who CBA to help her brush it for five days.

I know everyone's trying to be helpful but the DD doesn't want her hair cut. She already seems to have anxiety surrounding hair. Can we just accept it's not an option.

I have a really unnecessary complex re: hair because it was always cut how I didn't like when I was little, I was forced every time and I hated it. Because my mum found it easier and she liked dressing me up and giving me cute hairstyles.
For e.g. I find it hard to put the words hair and cut together and couldn't say it out loud.
I'm glad the OP is respecting what her DD says about this....I'm sure people will read my post and roll their eyes and think I'm being precious. Easy to do if you don't have a thing about it though!

YANBU of course OP

I think a lot of people here are missing the point. DD wants to keep her hair long. If the OP thinks it would be easier all round if it was short then there are ways of suggesting this to her DD and making the point that there are short styles can be feminine too but the fact remains that her DD has SN and her long hair ultimately makes her feel safe. And the OP hasn't actually said that she minds doing it.

The question was about DD's father who doesn't brush it. He should be. Particularly if there are others around who can help and have actually done it in the past. Have you asked him why he didn't? Perhaps he didn't appreciate the consequences of general post Christmas laziness? It's not acceptable to let a child's hair become that matted but if it's normally done to an acceptable standard then perhaps he just didn't realise that slobbing in your pyjamas on the sofa and not leaving the house over Christmas would have this result.

What about swimming hat?

Those saying cut it - the child is in year 4...it matters more than anything to her that she fits in!
I agree about the scarf, plaits, and silk pillowcase. Just do normal plaits, 2 in bunches either side, dont worry about the french plait.

Asking someone to devote 15 mins of every day to hair brushing is a huge ask. Life and time are precious things. It is just a bunch of dead cells, not neglectful of her body. People here have given you lots of good ideas for keeping the hair looking reasonable without anyone having to invest hours of their week to it.

I suppose I am coming from it from different POV as my DD doesn't mind having short hair.

I do find taking just a few inches off makes an immense difference to how tangled it gets for some reason.

However I keep it long as school staff like styling it and it's a bonding thing

Have you had a chat with ex and his partner about the state dd hair came back in?

MrsDV I get you.

I am assuming people are not suggesting the cutting because she has SN though and would suggest it re an NT child too?

Maybe I am wrong though. Am at work and rushed

Fwiw my DH is most devoted dad ever but is crap WITH dD's hair