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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 29/12/2014 13:21

I'm not sure who made the rule that an 8YO shouldn't be allowed to have a hairstyle she needs help with. 8YOs need help with lots of things, why not their hair? It's not like she'll be moving out next week and needs to learn to manage it on her own Confused

OP, your DD needs help to manage her hair and it's important to her that she is allowed to keep the style she has. It's your job and your ex's to help her with that for now.

I would think an awful lot less of you if you dragged her down to the salon to have a load chopped off against her will just to save you the time, your Ex the effort or her the pain of looking after it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 13:23

I'd be supervising at 8, Iggly, making sure that she had managed to get through it, not just the top hair. I wouldn't just leave her to it but wouldn't be taking total responsibility for it either, at 8 I think my daughter would understand that she has hair that tangles and, if she wants to keep it long, then it needs to be looked after so that she can.

SorchaN · 29/12/2014 13:23

My daughter went through something similar for many years. She lived with my ex and he did nothing to help with her hair. It was very long, completely matted, and other kids at school were commenting on it. I tried to sort it out and it took me more than an hour every time, while she screamed and cried (but didn't want me to stop). Eventually she decided to get it cut shorter, and it's much easier now. But it was her decision.

I regularly had words with my ex about the situation, but it made absolutely no difference. In my view it was definitely neglect, although that was an ongoing situation...

lambsie · 29/12/2014 13:24

Ds is a head rubber at night. He has longish hair for a boy (because he won't stay still long enough for a proper cut) but shorter than most girls. We wash it and comb it through every night. In the morning we do just enough so it looks respectable. He is another 8 year old not able to do it for himself.

iloveshortshorts · 29/12/2014 13:25

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
its ok, although your colleague probably know that you have to be careful as braids break the edges of afro hair so easily.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 13:26

Goldmandra... Yes, of course because that's exactly what I said. Confused

Elletorrito · 29/12/2014 13:32

I probably had a bit of the look that mrs dv describes when I was growing up. My mum kept my hair short for her convenience as she worked in construction all over the country and would often need to be on site at crackofdawn 2 hours drive away. Plenty of times she had left the house before I got up. My dad could not do plaits or any kind of hairstyle really.

She taught me to plait hair using a doll and once I could do it in ten minutes on my own I was allowed to grow my hair.

I hated having short hair but I do understand why she did it. She has short hair herself due to not wanting to spend time getting ready in the morning. Both her sisters have the same "look"

JavelinArse · 29/12/2014 13:33

It is shitty that her dad won't look after your daughter's hair OP but I don't think there's much you can really do about it. I had the same.problem with my youngest son, he is mixed race with afro hair and in the end I cut it off because it was easier than the tears and screaming I had to deal with when he came back from dad's house.

Is your daughter able to brush her hair and.tie it up herself? Maybe she could start taking more responsibility for this (seeing as her dad can't be bothered)

NickiFury · 29/12/2014 13:35

mrsDV is absolutely spot in with the term "SN Look". Nothing offensive about it unless you're just looking to have something to whine about. It's something I always noticed when younger, mismatched clothes, bad haircuts but never heard anyone else refer to and now I have dc of my own both with autism amongst other conditions I bend over backwards to ensure that their appearance is not just for my ease. My dd has long hair, very long and no one does it but me. It's in two tight plaits when she goes to her Dad's home or anywhere else overnight and that's how it stays until I pick her up. It's fine, just a bit untidy. She wants it long (think Anna in Frozen long!) so that's how she has it.

Could you do that OP, just plait it till she comes back or is you ex approachable enough that you could give him a little lesson?

Chunderella · 29/12/2014 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jennifersrabbit · 29/12/2014 13:39

Just thinking about the whole fitting in bit the other way round - my DS is similar age and has ASD type difficulties inc a real problem with haircuts. It would make a load of sense to let him wear it long and as a toddler we more or less did.
But now in Y4 there is a lot of pressure for boys and girls to have what's seen as the gender appropriate hair style. Therefore he's anxious to have short hair like the other boys and endures the misery of haircuts :( so I can see why it's a balancing act.

Elletorrito · 29/12/2014 13:41

Sorry op, I'm not advocating cutting her hair. Just that my mum's solution was to teach me to plait it myself. I had to wear it in pigtails for this to work because 1 plait wouldn't stay put.

She was pretty anti fashion and quite unconventional I hasten to add.

peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2014 14:09

i don't think hes being unreasonable. even though your DD has issues I still think it should be cut shorter so its easier for her to manage. yes she might not like it and have issues about it but these will go in a day or so and she will get over it.

TheNewStatesman · 29/12/2014 14:13

(going off at a tangent) My experience is that curly hair actually tangles less than straight hair.... and if I am not mistaken, the science bears my intuition out!

www.scientificamerican.com/article/straight-hair-is-knottier-than-curly-hair/

TheNewStatesman · 29/12/2014 14:16

FWIW: I think parents are absolutely entitled to decide that "I'm fine with my child having an inconvenient hairstyle, and am prepared to put the work in" or, equally, "I am not prepared to put in lots of extra work and therefore insist, as a parent, that my child has a reasonably low-maintenence hairstyle." But it sounds like the OP shares custody with her ex--presumably this decision should be a joint decision between them?

It does seem a bit rough if the mum is the one who lets the kid have long hair, but then the dad gets lumbered with the work too, without having had any say in the matter.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 14:16

If you didn't brush anyone's hair for 5 days it would tangle.

only on mn asking a parent to parent is unreasonable and resident parents should do everything in their power to spare the poor ex any effort whatsoever.

It's not as if they have all fuckin week to do whatever they need to so as not to be "too busy" when the kid comes to say

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/12/2014 14:18

I think it is neglect, but I can understand why he might be uncomfortable with doing it. Maybe cutting it's the only way to go. Xmas Hmm

TheNewStatesman · 29/12/2014 14:24

"only on mn asking a parent to parent is unreasonable and resident parents should do everything in their power to spare the poor ex any effort whatsoever. "

Sure, but it sounds like combing this particular child's hair is really difficult and time consuming. I understand that she wants long hair, but other people in the family have needs too. I think if she really wants long hair, the OP is going to have to try out some solutions like keeping it plaited at night. And using a satin pillowcase.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 14:24

Oh come on its 15 minutes.

If she'd posted that the dad refused to take her to a party a 15 minute walk away or spend 15 mins doing homework you'd all agree. but 15 mins on hair is too much? causing her pain and upset to save these 15 mins is acceptable?

NickiFury · 29/12/2014 14:25

"These will go in a day or two and she will get over it"

Really Peggy do YOU have a child with ASD? I have two and have often dealt with hairdresser meltdowns when hair is too short or not as expected, followed by months of resistance to a visit to the hairdresser/barber "in case they do it again".

cupofteaplease · 29/12/2014 14:27

My dd is 9 with waist length ringlets. It is a disaster zone. She cannot care for it herself, nor can my dh. In order for it to look lovely, someone has to help her (myself, or her step mum when she goes to stay at her dad's house). I certainly wouldn't chop it all off just because it's difficult, as she wants long hair. That would be punishing her for her genetic make up!

Dd2 has very short, fine hair that has never really grown so can't be cut I to any style (trust me, we've tried). She also needs my help to make it look presentable by putting it back in tiny ponytails.

lambsie · 29/12/2014 14:34

Head rubbing causes the hair to matt at the roots and even with short hair it can take some time to comb out. Ds's 2-3 inches takes 10 minutes.

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 14:36

How is it neglectful? What exactly is going to happen if a child has knotty hair?
My child (4) is in no way neglected, and he has long, wild, dreadlocky hair more often than not. He looks like a little rocker, or a cool surfer dude. He hates having it brushed, and loves how it looks. It's wild and free, like him. I brush it using coconut oil when he is asleep, once a fortnight or so. It's really no big deal. His hair, his body, his choice. I consider it respectful of the child's wishes to leave their hair how they want it. Why do we need to conform to what society states is the right look? I would never cut it to conform to how society says a boy's hair should be, I won't comb it against his wishes as it is more important that he understands that it's his body and his wishes come first. It's not hurting anyone.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 14:38

Lots of things we have to do for kids take time. way longer than 15 mins.

This is looking after a need for a child. The same as bathing or feeding or reading too. taking to clubs/brownies etc.

Would all of you really be happy with having to send food or have your kids live off tinned spaghetti all weekend because cooking takes too long.

what about swim lessons you pay for. The lessons are half an hour is that to long to expect a dad to sit through?

do dad's get out of picking their children up of you live more than 15 mins away?

why is the dad's time.more precious than the mums?

Lovecat · 29/12/2014 14:38

Chunderella, my 9 yr old DD cannot brush her own (long) hair properly - it's incredibly fine, flyaway hair that matts if you look at it and needs to be brushed twice daily if it is not to form into huge knots that make her cry and wail in distress - we have tangle tamers, tangle teasers, detangling spray, use conditioner every time, and it still matts up if not brushed properly.

DD is not NT - she has dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia - but this would not prevent her from being able to brush her own hair - in fact she does, but not well enough to get the knots out (the surface looks fine but underneath is a messy matted rats nest). This is because she's only 9.

I dread days when I'm away/out all day and DH has charge of her because he doesn't do it and I come home to the problem the OP faces. It isn't about her hair or convenience, it's about HIS incompetence and laziness.

In fact, I posted about this very topic some time ago because I wanted to know at what age a child could be expected to brush their own hair satisfactorily. The answers were much better than 'cut it all off' and the consensus was that 10-11 was the age where a child with long hair could be expected to look after it themselves.

YANBU OP. I hope he replies to your text and you get this sorted out.