To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

Yes I see.i guess if child has the understanding then they can make decision re the brushing and whether it's worth it.

Vegan- I try to teach my daughters that "fitting in" isn't important. There will always be something different to find in a person. If you have long hair your skin colour might be different, or your height, or your eyebrows, or your hairy back.

You should never change your appearance to keep others happy, they should change their attitude. I have had people suggest I should grow DD's hair (against her wishes) so she doesn't get picked on...

Any yes, I am also slightly insulted re. "SN look". Are you telling me that because DD has short hair now we have to add people assuming she is SN and we've done it for convenience to the ongoing questions about her gender?

I think the issue here is:
Your dd's hair gets tangled.
Cutting it short it not an option just now.
She cannot manage it on her own.
She is happy for you to help her manage it.
She is happy to go to her df.
He does not help her with her hair.
It gets tangled. This causes distress.

So yanbu. The problem is your x not helping her.

So, what can be done about him? He is the real problem.

1. can you talk to him about it?
2. can/does dd ask him or his dp for help with her hair?
3. if he won't do anything, what, realistically can you do?

He is in the wrong but it may not be deliberate. Some people don't notice. I hold my hands up to forgetting about hair in the daily struggle to get to school until we are half way there. And I suspect short of calling everyday to check it may not get done unless dd can ask him.

possibly he should not have her for as long at a stretch if he cba to sort it?

I have texted him about it because he didn't answer his phone. He and his gf are off today on a four week holiday to the other side of the globe so won't be contactable very easily.

Micah. Taking it as an insult that people might think your DD has SN due to short hair is fucking offensive. Pardon my french

Apparently she asks him to help but he is always "too busy" (it's easy to believe this but I have to take everything she says with a bucket of salt due to her issues)

I suppose I'm pissed off because I brought this to his attention only a few weeks ago.

Micah for someone who's not bothered by what other people think, you seem very concerned about what other people might think about your DD due to her hairstyle. So what if people think think she has SN!

I'm with Storytown. It's hair, it's not being cared for by the daughter because of her condition. Long hair comes with responsibilities. I wouldn't be teasing out tangles from long hair every day, it's not good for the hair either. If it can't be managed by the child then it can't be long.

I'm laughing long and hard at the posters suggesting that contact time should be reduced or other punitive measures applied to the 'feckless' dad who has failed his daughter's hair.

If one of my kids had a problem that prevented proper care of their hair, it would be cut to a length that facilitated it. Children have to learn to care for their hair... I won't be running after them in their teens still trying to comb it out, condition or no condition.

Sorry didn't mean it like that, came out wrong- just that "SN look" is offensive in itself, the idea that people judge that way. I'd think a person in a kaftan/short hair as described just liked to dress that way, it wouldn't cross my mind that people would dress/style a child according to their own needs. Cross posted with the pp who explained.

My hair gets like this, i tie it up in a loose top knot before i go to sleep or else i look like Robert Smith after a particularly vigorous bout of backcombing. Loose plaits can be good too.

Agreeing very much with micah.

Would having an angled bob, long in front, shorter in back, suit her? shearmadnesskids.com/hairstyles/bob-haircuts-pictures/attachment/img_6892/

DDs hair tangles if you look at it wrongly. I do plait it every time before bed which minimises tangling - she is now nearly 9 and can plait it herself thankfully.

When I wash it, I put in some of that morocco oil stuff which seems to make it more manageable for a couple of days.

I think your DDs hair is an awkward length - longer and you would be able to get a better plait in it, shorter and it wouldn't be such a chore.

Given you know he isn't going to brush it, or won't do it properly, I think you need to focus on how to minimise tangles. DD often has her hair in a plait for an entire weekend at her fathers.

Why not plait it in sections right from the top of the hair? (I have thick curly mixed race hair and feel your dd's pain. My dd has similar hair). You have to do it quite snugly.

MrsDeVere... You don't need to have afro hair to have horrendously difficult and tangled hair. Mine was just that. It is naturally curly, tangles without provocation and, if I was to rub my head on the pillow every night, it would probably be worse than the OP's daughter. Tears and pain for brushing every single day. I don't know this to be fact but, I imagine that afro hair is actually quite strong, certainly stronger than mine.

Mine is now straightened because I do that with irons every few days. It doesn't tangle at all now. If my children exhibit 'problem hair' then I will add that to the choices, ie. overnight 'baling' or cut short or straightened. Tears and ripped hair is not an option.

I'll ignore your last sentence.

Our ex is an arse for not helping her brush her hair - 15 minutes a day for the few days he has her is hardly the end of the world. Putting your daughters hair into braids before she visits is a good suggestion though - would she be open to that if you explained it to her? I suspect there's little you can do to influence your ex's input into the situation.

If my children exhibit 'problem hair' then I will add that to the choices, ie. overnight 'baling' or cut short or straightened. Tears and ripped hair is not an option

My mum did this. I now hate my hair as a result because I've never been taught how to style it. It isn't "problem" hair - you just don't understand it. So I've invested a lot of time learning how to manage dd's hair.