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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

305 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/12/2014 10:20

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 14:39

Giles... that 15 minutes doing the child's hair is causing her pain and upset. OP says in her opening post "its' a real task even for me".

Nobody has said that the hair should be shorn off no matter what BUT minimising the tangling and matting is essential, not just reactively wrenching it every morning. That's not a solution; well it wouldn't be for me. Everybody's morning tasks and circumstances are different.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 14:41

Abby... Well either your son sleeps like the dead or you must be a hair magician. Nobody would be able to brush my childrens' hair whilst they were sleeping, they would wake... and cry... and they don't even have my hair (fortunately).

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 14:42

And?

so what. The op does it daily. won't kill the dad to.

It's just something that needs doing. as a parent you do it.

As a recipes poster said it doesn't help anyone as then no one learns to understand the hair. She's going to try the pillows and other suggestions which could well help. and if it does she can pas that onto the dad.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 14:45

Lovecat... but your daughter will co-operate with your measures at minimising the tangling, ie. put it up or in a headband or plaiting it, won't she? OP's daughter is 8. I was interested in my hair at about 6 but obviously not left to my own devices then... some children at 11/12 will still need help. The point is, reducing the pain, hair breakage and time.

Your daughter's hair sounds like mine as a child. Top hair not too bad, rats nest at the bottom. Untangling that rats nest is painful and doesn't do the hair much good (talking about mine here).

CelesteToTheDance · 29/12/2014 14:45

It would be cruel to cut her hair, it's hard enough for a 'normal' child to feel like they fit in, many more times so for your daughter. A girl who wants short hair and can cope with having her gender questioned is one thing but nobody should force that on a vulnerable child who suffers from anxiety and already feels set apart from her peers because of sn.

The problem here is your selfish, lazy ex. He needs to understand that he has to take care of her hair and the consequences for her when he fails to do so, be explicit on what he has to do. Until he does I wouldn't send her for longer than a night and would braid it before letting her go.

He should be prepared to provide the necessary care to protect her comfort and self esteem. If he won't do that then he shouldn't have her long enough to cause harm.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 14:48

I don't get the offence that calling Afro hair a "problem" causes. I have what looks like Afro hair although I'm 100% white and the hair itself is actually red.
Dd has it too, in a slightly milder version, thank God. Compared to what I can only call normal hair like Dh and the ds's were blessed with; it definitely is a problem.
I'm also taller than average, that can be a problem too although it's probably derogatory to tall people to say so...

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 14:51

Lying, it takes me about an hour, a gentle tease here and there, add some coconut oil, repeat. He does stir a little, but this is better than fighting him to brush it every day.
But the bottom line is, it is just hair, and not hurting anyone whatsoever. I think people need to chill.

As for self-esteem, that comes from being told your opinion matters, even if you are a child. It comes from being shown that you can have your hair how you choose, even if you are four years old, and you don't have to conform to anything. It really is just hair. I don't see the big deal at all. If the child is happy and healthy, all is well.

MissDuke · 29/12/2014 14:57

By suggesting a haircut, I think posters meant to a more manageable length, not necessarily very short?? I am not sure why so many found that offensive. When I said we had dd's cut, I mean up to shoulder length, not shaved off :-/ I don't think its unreasonable to compromise on such things, children don't dictate everything in life if it is causing such difficulty. If I let dd make all decisions, she would have several ear piercings, hair to her waist that we couldn't manage, would be wearing skirts with bare legs in this cold, would go to bed at midnight and she would only eat chicken nuggets. As her parent, I make decisions to prevent these things from happening, I don't think that is so wrong? My dd is 10 btw.

I am surprised at the number of people saying the priority is ensuring that children 'fit in' with their hair style. So by trimming a few inches of this dd's hair she wouldn't fit in? Since when? I didn't know that ALL girls have very long hair :-/ I am so glad that 'fitting in' is not a priority in my house!

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 29/12/2014 14:58

A girl who wants short hair and can cope with having her gender questioned is one thing

Having her gender questioned? Confused I don't think people were suggesting a short back and sides or no. 2 all over, just a neat bob.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 14:59

Some people wouldn't have an hour, Abby. I'm not disagreeing with your post though apart from the 'not hurting'. Tangled hair hurts when it's been brushed, it just does. Most of the posts back that up. I remember it well and no way would I inflict that on my children if there were steps that I could take to minimise it, including getting children interested in their own hair care, not leaving it all to me or my husband.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2014 15:00

I also think. The dad's gonna be laughing. He doesn't do hair. It gets chopped off. what's teh next step for the next thing he's "to busy" to do.

Maybe if he's too busy to come get her he won't have to.

perhaps he will suggest dropping off after lunch and bringing back to avoid having to spend time to cook.

or how about sue wears the same clothes all the time so he doesn't have to wash it.

I can't believe how many people time. It's ok just because it's hair.

It's the principal surely. that basic care giving is too much trouble and if he doesn't bother then his ex will take the problem.away.

Chillyegg · 29/12/2014 15:00

Would combing through warmed argon or coconut oil help? With the amount I'm guessing your dd needs her hair brushing is it getting dry and brittle? I do it once a week on mine and comb through after a bath and it feel so much softer for the rest of the week.

Chillyegg · 29/12/2014 15:01

I also think it's neglectful and no the hair shouldn't be cut! Why should the child be punished for having tangly hair?

lljkk · 29/12/2014 15:04

Sorry, why can't child brush her own hair?
Is it okay to cut the child's hair against their wishes as long as the child doesn't have SN?
(This happened to me at age just 9, fairly quickly became unimportant).
I refused to brush it, I didn't in the least mind it tangled, my mother got it cut, soon all over with. I think my mom did right thing.

Allisgood1 · 29/12/2014 15:06

YANBU. My SIL doesn't often brush my 3yr old nieces hair because of the exact problem you have. Only it just makes it worse. DH had to have a lecture word with her about brushing her daughters hair. She does it more regularly now but aRound 50% of the time Dn turns up with unbrushed hair because she didn't "let" SIL brush it . I can't stand it and immediately take my spray and tangle teaser to it. It's bloody irresponsible of SIL IMO.

What SIL did do though was get this stuff called childs farm shampoo and conditioner and detangler. I swear dn's hair is like a different persons! So much more manageable and easy to brush.

I recently had this problem with my 6yr old. We had it cut to just at her shoulders and the difference is amazing. No more battles!!!

AbbyCadabby · 29/12/2014 15:11

Lying, it's an hour at night once a fortnight, instead of 10 or 15 minutes every morning. And I'm close to thinking I might not even bother soon, it gets matted within a day (though does look glorious for that one day!).
It IS matted, but with practice, and coconut oil, and patience, I get through it. Anyway, my main point really is that it is hair, and only that - it is not neglectful to not brush it. It's not going to hurt anyone, having it long and messy. What's the big deal!

Lovecat · 29/12/2014 15:14

Lying, no, she doesn't co-operate, she cries, she screams, she runs away shaking with anger because she wants to lash out and hit me for hurting her, I have to coax her back - this is when it's knotted and matted. Takes a good hour or more to detangle and desnaggle, and it's an unpleasant process - it takes time to minimise the pain and breakage factors and that inconvenience can easily be avoided by brushing her hair twice daily - which doesn't hurt or break her hair when there are no knots in it. It's when it doesn't get done (ie when DH is in charge) that it gets like this.

More importantly, she doesn't want it cut, and that's her prerogative. It's not my right to impose this on her for my convenience OR that of DH, who is the one who CAUSES this mess (like the OP's exH) by not doing it when he's in charge.

So I do it for her. She's not old enough at 9 (like the OP's DD isn't at 8) to do it herself. Nowhere have I said she's old enough to do it, of course she needs adult help.

The OP is not being unreasonable and her lazy arse DH should step up.

I can't believe this is up for debate... Hmm

Shesparkles · 29/12/2014 15:19

Without knowing the kind of relationship you have with the ex's girlfriend, I appreciate this may be a no go, but are you in a position to try to get her onside with you and DD. I don't mean to get her to do dd's hair, but for her to be active in making sure your ex sees to dd's hair?
I really don't see the issue with helping an 8 year old see to her hair, if memory serves me right, my perfectly NT dd was about 10 before she could reliably see to her own hair

PointlessResolutions · 29/12/2014 15:21

I'm with all those who are defending the exDH and saying it is a 'huge ask' for him to do the hair daily. He is her parent. It is his job to parent when she is with him.

Perhaps there are things that can be done to make it easier as has been suggested - silk items, argan oil or other conditioners - all great ideas. However ultimately it is up to the child's father to step up. He can't opt out of the bits of parenting he doesn't like.

DeWee · 29/12/2014 15:23

If Op's dd is anything like my dds then the ex may well have wanted to brush it out, but got met with cries of horror and refusing to sit still. I know mine wouldn't have let dh near it when it was like that because they think he'll make it worse.

Last night dd1 (who's 14yo) and has waist length hair discovered two really bad tangles which she couldn't manage, and sat for an hour waiting for me to come home rather than asking dh to do it.
I don't really know why, as dh actually has more patience than me, and I'm sure doesn't pull as much, he's really careful.

TheXxed · 29/12/2014 15:25

Hello OP if your DD rubs her head a lot at night you might find and silk/satin head wrap more useful. You can buy them on Amazon or any afro Caribbean hair shop. I have a big old Afro think Angela Davis/Assata Shakur at these help keep my hair in check.

hair wraps

Also I find using shampoo on every other wash useful and just using conditioner v useful.

JavelinArse · 29/12/2014 15:26

I try and give my children freedom to make choices about their own hairstyles but if they want a style that they are unwilling or unable to maintain then I do have it chopped. This was the case with my youngest, in theory he wanted an afro but he isn't able to comb it out every day to keep it from getting ridiculously knotty and frankly, I don't have the time to be combing it every day (and then battling with it when he comes back from his dad's house, uncombed for days!). Because of this, I got his hair cut short (grade 2). When he is older he can have longer hair if he wants to but it will be when he can manage it. Afro hair is beautiful but it is hard work!

I have skim read the thread so not sure if this has been tried but have you tried using a do-rag or tights on your daughter's hair to try and prevent it from getting tangled while she sleeps? I noticed you said french plaits were no use, would she be up for trying smaller corn row style plaits?

minklundy · 29/12/2014 15:37

The point is not whether hair should/should not be cut.

The Op was asking if it was ok to be pissed off at her x. Yes.

Yes the x should do her hair.

But just because he should does not mean he will. Therefore, just as with children, so with xs, solutions need to be found.
First step explain the problem. Ask him to do it.

If he won't then op needs to decide how big a deal this is and what steps she is prepared to take
a) to help him manage the issue
b) to compel him to do it
c) to avoid it becoming an issue.

Whilst in an ideal world he would step up this is the real world and he may not.
and all this arguing about hair length and type and NT/SN is missing the point

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2014 15:39

Lovecat... don't 'debate' it then. Nobody's forcing you. Getting stroppy with responses isn't really on though. Nobody's making you do or not do your daughter's hair. Your way is your way. You don't get to dictate how the other parent deals with it though.

Abby... that makes a difference, I thought it was an hour a night, sorry!

I think we're all using our own frame of reference here without knowing what the hair is like of the other posters.

Bulbasaur · 29/12/2014 15:40

Have you tried doing french braids at night? these

If you do one on each side it will make it easier in the morning. I did this for all my baby cousins growing up who had long hair and in the morning we'd brush it out hassle and tear free.