To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

My 9 year old daughter (who doesn't have SN) has long fine hair that gets easily tangled then matted. I find the best way to deal with it is to wash and condition it most nights and plait it wet, before bed.

Or at the very least we 'do' her hair in the morning. Then in the evening if it isn't washed, we give it a good brush through and tie it back in a pony tail or plait it before bed.

If we miss even one evening, then her is matted with knots in the morning. And this means tears and pain are inevitable. Horrid for her and horrid for the person wielding the brush.

And by the way, I was my 9 year old daughter's hair and brush it for her. Her own brushing is nowhere near thorough enough.

I wash (not was) my 9 year old daughter's hair. *

My dd is 11, she has asd. She has very long, very thick hair that is a nightmare to wash. Recently I cut literally mm off the ends. She cried for hours and wouldn't speak to me for days. It's HER hair and if she, or the OPs dd doesn't want to cut it then her father should get off his lazy arse and brush it. 15 mins a day is not a 'huge ask'!

Asking someone to devote 15 mins of every day to hair brushing is a huge ask.

It is not a huge ask of a parent if it allows their child to maintain a hairstyle that supports her fragile mental health.

MrsDV... This is why I don't post to you much. I didn't say any such thing that afro hair is 'problem' hair. I don't have afro hair, nor does my husband and my children don't. It's bog standard 'European hair'. Mine just happens to be 'problem' hair, ie. it gets knotted and tangled like I've spent the last year too-ing and fro-ing in hedges. Clear now?

Iggly... my mum did this too. I would have every sympathy for a child that didn't want its hair cut BUT that comes with responsibilities that the child must also take on, ie. co-operating with minimising tangles. I'm not about to let their hair go unmanaged and have to attack it with chemicals and forced brushing/combing in the morning.

You're right though, I don't understand hair. I just know that having gone through tangles and tears myself, I will not put my children through that when it's easily avoided.

Mrs D, we talked dd into getting her hair cut a bit shorter - not for our convenience, but for her benefit as she cries hysterically at every brushing/washing. Is that so bad??

Does she watch strictly? Could she fancy the frankie bridge lovely haircut?

My cousins hair used to tangle badly in the night so it would be plaited or tied up for sleeping in. My dd is mixed race (black/white) so styling her hair at night is a must or it takes forever and lots of screaming to sort in the morning

OP - perhaps next time she goes to her dad's for a few days she could have her hair braided beforehand so there was no need for maintenance and could go back to her usual long style when she returns home.

You ex is of course being a PITA for not making more effort.

My dd is 3. I'm unlikely to give her that responsibility at this age. When she is old enough to look after it, I would have made sure she had the skills to do so.

No, I wouldn't at 3 either, Iggly. I certainly would at 8 though, which is the OP's daughter's age.

Actually Mrs D, ignore my post to you above. I see you are simply determined to find offense in every single post made on this thread I will leave you to it!

afro hair is not strong at all it may look strong but it is actually very weak and breaks very easily

So lots of people are suggesting that I force her to have her hair cut, which will distress her (due to her MH) because she can't brush her own hair adequately at 8yo due to the extreme tangling caused by her neurological condition which makes her rub her hair on her pillow all night.

Erm...

I second trying a silk pillowcase. You can also buy a silk or satin sleep bonnet. Pillowcase and bonnet will seriously reduce tangles and frizz. You can also put the hair in a "pineapple" before bed. Google "curly hair pineapple bed" for instructions.

No, MrsDV, because you are quite an aggressive, generally angry poster and it's tedious. It isn't possible to have a discussion with you without you being offended so it's easier to just not. I'm leaving it there now as I'm not about to waste more time explaining myself to you.

iloveshortshorts... I didn't know that, thanks. I have a colleague who has her afro hair braided and it looks amazing. She told me that it takes hours and it's quite a lot of pulling and tugging, hence me thinking that it's strong hair.

op I would definitely recommend a silk head scarf if your dd will wear one or a silk pillow case.
it will keep her hair flat and tangle free

At 8 I would still be helping my dd! Unless she can do it herself.

I've never found Mrs DV to be agressive or angry (except where she has had good reason to be angry) even when I've disagreed with her.

If you don't spend time with young people (or even slightly older people) with SN or other impairments you probably aren't familiar with the uniform "look" which Mrs DV is referring to. It is an issue. It undermines their individuality and their self esteem and it contributes to the way that people treat them. No-one is proposing that local authorities put aside forty hours of funding per person per week for care and self-expression through hair and clothes styling, ffs. We just want it recognised that "convenience" is a very loaded term and it is not the sole criterion under which these decisions should be made.

What the hell is wrong with using, silk pillowcases, and tangle teasers and sprays, so it makes brushing hair that much more easier and pleasant for both the child and the parents. You try brushing hair without those things and it is horrid. Even with the sprays and the tangle teasers, it was distressing to hear dd7 scream and thrash about. Due to her Autism the sensory stimulation of a brush on her scalp really upsets her, so to minimise that pardon me if I have to cut her hair to make it more manageable and less distressing, as I am the one doing it. DD is 7 she does not brush it adequately enough. When she is older and is able to, than that's different.