To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

Sorry but you're been really self centred and I feel sorry for your parents.

As for the behaviour at the meal. Your dad was probably expecting you to parent your child. I've never allowed dd to behave in such a way that other people would have been tutting. I frequently used to tell her as a toddler that other people want to enjoy their dinners without hearing her. If that hadnt worked I'd have warned we'd have to leave and I'd have followed through on that.

YAbu. Entitled much?!

Yes, you need to get over yourself.

I can believe the op is genuine because I've seen this situation with friends. One in particular planned her first pregnancy on the assumption that her parents (in their 60s) would do the childcare because she could only afford 6 months maternity and couldn't afford paid childcare. She never actually asked her parents, but couldn't think why they wouldn't want to spend time with their first grandchild. Whenever her mum mentioned in an indirect way that she wasn't sure she could continue, friend brushed it off. It all came to a head when she announced second pregnancy and expected parents to have both children three days a week. It was her sister who told her it wasn't on, friend most upset that they'd spoken behind her back. She absolutely feels she is in the right and her parents and sister are being mean.

Wow

Have to agree with the majority here. Your parents have been doing you a massive favour and although this was obviously agreed with them to begin with (well over a year ago) you have to accept that things have changed.

My DS is 25 months and he is so much more of a handful now than he was at 10 / 12/18 months.

My sister had DS for a year as she was on ML but she has 3 kids of her own and once middle boy started nursery she just couldn't commit to my son anymore. She had school run and nursery run and a baby. So our childcare arrangement came to a mutual end and I am nothing but thankful and grateful for the time my Dsis had DS.

YABVU Soulpunk.

Grandparents does not equal free weekly childcare. It is not an entitlement.

They probably didn't realise how hardwork it would be when they took on the job. You should have been checking they were coping alright and please arrange alternative childcare asap as it sounds as if they have had enough.

It is a shame they couldn't have spoken to you directly though.

I can't believe the attitude of the OP or MsJupiter who thinks GPs who don't look after their grandchildren don't due to 'health, finance or indifference'! Good God.

You wonder what else they think other people should do for them. Perhaps 'I'm at work and you're at home all day so you can do my shopping and cleaning for me'. See how far you get with that, it's not much different.

Well done op, you are probably the most self centred person I have seen on mumsnet. Seriously your parents have helped you a lot and now you feel bitter that it's getting too much for them. Ffs they raised you and your sister. How dare them not wanting to look after a toddler in their retirement. Why can they not have the enjoyment of their grandson without being the babysitter? Don't blame your parents for bitching to your sister, sounds as if you would not have listened if they told you. My mum watches my son frequently for me but if I spoke to her the way you have on your op, she would rightfully tell me where to go!

I wonder if Op will come back....

Tbh, this situation could possibly be real.
My Aunty looks after her daughters baby five days a week. My cousin had two other children aged 10 and 7. My Aunty looked after them when they were babies and still collects them from school.
My Aunty had decided to visit me for a couple of days during the holiday period.
She rang me yesterday to tell me that she was unable to come because my cousin ( her daughter) was tired and needed to rest during the holiday period and therefore my Aunty needed to look after the children.
My Aunty was really upset about this but refuses to tell her daughter how she feels.
Some people just take things for granted.
I think this kitypr of arrangement is doomed tbh

I believe this is real.

Sorry ' type of arrangement...'

I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred?

Oh come the fuck on. This has got to be a troll or a reverse.

Yes, watching your own child grow and discover the world is a beautiful thing. However, it's also very hard, tiring work, and if can see exactly where your parents are coming from. They have raised you and your sister. Their obligation to you is long finished. Frankly, when I'm in my 60s I want to be chilling and enjoying a quiet life, not spending half my week cleaning nappies and dealing with tantrums. I'm sure that spending the odd day with your grandchild is lovely, getting to play with them and spoil them rotten, however you are destroying that relationship by foisting your child on them.

It's time to look at other more flexible career options where you won't need as much childcare.

I don't think the op will be back but I'll add my bit here.
When my DSis had my DP first grandchild my DM was young fit and healthy in her 50's and offered to help with childcare 1 day per week, for the rest of the week a childminder was used. At this time she knew that I was pregnant with DGC number 2 and made it very clear that once this baby was born she would not be doing regular childcare. My DSis and I found an alternative solution that worked really well, and DM went back to being a DGM, was happy to do sickness and holiday cover and overnights when necessary, something she still does today 20 years and 6 grandchildren later. Something that she gets huge pleasure from and that the DGC have really benefitted from.
My PIL are both well into their 70's and look after 2 of their grandchildren regularly so SIL/BIL can work and they are knackered.

I can easily see how this situation arose. I live in an area where GPs seem to do a lot for their kids/grandkids (not mine btw apart from occasional babysitting) and there seems to be a lot of expectation of GPs providing childcare if retired.

I used to work with a girl whose mum gave up her part-time job to mind her 6 week old baby for free 5 days a week! The DH worked Saturdays & had a weekday off which he spent on the golf course, too. Didn't even occur to them that he should have the baby on his day off! I was incredulous but plenty of my colleagues saw this as the norm & still expected weekend babysitting so they could maintain their social life.

Also I think overexcited parents often offer to have the baby before it is born but forget how much hard work is involved & end up resentful.

Yabu why should they mind your kids? Get a child minder.

I think it is fantastic when GPs are around and available to help with babysitting/disaster days/picking up pieces. But it is rarely a good thing for GPs to do regular sole FT care.

Can you afford child care? If so use it doesn't sound like arrangement working. If not you might have to make changes at work and also if not As for being pg again that doesn't seem particularly sensible. We pay 700+ a month and couldn't afford another child at the moment we can't rely on the care of others so have to wait how will you cope with childcare for 2???

I'm with your parents on NYE though a restaurant on the biggest party night of the year is not the place for a small child.

I do agree however that they should have spoken to you not your sister but soundalike they didn't know how to

Your parents and sister have been wrong to discuss this behind your back in the first instance but I can see why they are not thrilled.

I think people who have family do regular child care do eventually forget how big a commitment you are asking someone else to make in their lives. Even if it only a couple of days a week. Thats 2 days week in week out.

Yes your child is amazing and wonderful to you and I dont doubt they love him too but tbh - he is your son, they have had and raised thier kids, with all the commitment that took. Its now your parents time in their life to be carefree and enjoy their free time how they choose before frailty and old age kicks in.

I can understand you are hurt by the way they have not discussed this with you before it coming to a head but try and be positive and look at it as you have had X time of free child care and now bite the bullet and be prepared to pay.

Discuss with your parents if they will be emergency child carers if your child minder is ever ill/child unwell and unable to attend nursery etc. They would probably be happy to step up and do that.

Wow! Everything has already been said by other posters. This is poor parenting pure and simple. If you can't do the job yourself, employ someone to do it for you, and ask them to teach your children to behave themselves in public while they're at it. You were meant to stop freeloading off your parents in your 20's, and you were meant to take responsibility for raising your own children.

I can imagine the reason why they spoke to your sister was because they were worried how you'd react, and you proved them right.

When you found out you were pregnant did you ask if they could look after baby number 2 or did you just assume? My dad and step mum look after my 2 year old nephew, they are in their 60s and are fit and healthy and they find it exhausting. They also find it restrictive as they want to travel more.

Calm down and talk to them. Ask them what they want to do and of you have to, then pay for childcare yourself.

Am I completely naive and/or self centred?

Yes op, you're massively self centred.

Like others, I agree that your parents and sister didn't handle this well and this may have affected your views on the situation but every other word you have typed has left me with my mouth wife open.

I suspect you posted this just before bed and will be astounded at the amount of replies upon waking. Well... Good morning. As better time as any to sort out your astounding attitude.

Place marking!!!

Op I just get the impression you may be shocked by the responses received on this thread.

Practically though get some early plans in place for when new dc is born....will you have 10 months off again? Maybe your ds could have some nursery care by then?

Hope you get things sorted.

I have namechanged for this reply.

I am in my thirties and have my SIL's two year old for three days a week. I sort of fell into the babysitting role as when she went back to work when her DS was 6 months old, I was a SAHM and it was kind of assumed by DH's family that I would step up and have her DS for her.

To be honest if I could get out of the arrangement without causing a significant family fall out, then I would! The arrangement has already crept from two days childcare, to three. SIL used to provide meals but now she always forgets to send food with him. He was much easier as a baby but is now a feisty two year old and is pretty hard work; he no longer has any naps even though he's exhausted, and he has few boundaries at home so he totally trashes my house. I cannot get anything else done on the days that he's with me. SIL also completely takes the piss, doing things such as finishing work at 4 and then turning up to collect him at 6, because she's popped to town after work. I rarely get a thank you and am not paid for any of the childcare that I do.

Now, I am not suggesting that the OP necessarily acts like my SIL does, but if she is acting in this way and her DS is as challenging as my nephew with his behaviour then I can totally see why her parents, who are probably double my age, are finding things difficult and exhausting.

My new year's resolution is to find some way to reduce the childcare for now without causing some sort of huge rift, with a view to stopping it totally at some point in the near future. However I go about it, it is going to cause ructions.