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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed by my own parents?

310 replies

soulpunk · 26/12/2014 23:52

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

OP posts:
Levismum · 27/12/2014 00:09

A reverse aibu...

Or your taking the p*

Or an entitled brat!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/12/2014 00:09

It's disappointing that you are so oblivious to your parents wishes and feelings. It sounds like the evidence is there that they're not enjoying the responsibility of caring for your son but you don't want to see it because it's inconvenient. You say that you've facilitated them going on holiday, well so you should! I agree with LaurieFairyCake that you should sort out proper childcare.

HolyTerror · 27/12/2014 00:10

How difficult they were finding things, not Tim!

And did you really go ahead and get pregnant again on the blithe assumption they would undertake a second child??? They don't need major medical issues as an alibi for not wanting to spend three full days a week doing childcare - they did child rearing grunt work a long time ago.

calzone · 27/12/2014 00:10

You have totally taken them for granted.

You have to find a CM for the days you work and let your parents be grandparents so they enjoy your ds.

I am ShockShockShock you cannot see this. Resentment will build up if you don't get it sorted now.

Find a childminder ASAP.

drivingmisspotty · 27/12/2014 00:11

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU to be disappointed, you rely on them for childcare and they didn't handle well telling you that it is not working out for them.

However YABU to think he should be the apple of their eye and they should love looking after him.... I am sure they do love him and if he just wanted to play with nanny when out it sounds like they have a great rapport. But this is their retirement and they are still working, for you, as childcarers. It might not sound much 'they can't always do what they want' but I think one of the things people look forward to in retirement is freedom- last minute term time holidays, rounds of golf with friends etc. It sounds like you have been flexible but it is still not the same to have to arrange plans with you and around your working days. I am sure they do enjoy having your son but think about your days at home with him, are they really unending blissful pleasure at being in his company? It's tiring and trying too, no? You also mention that they are in good health. All the more reason to use their freedom to do whatever they fancy while they are still active.

The first PP mentioned letting them be grandparents on their own terms sounds like that may be best really.

I hope it doesn't bugger up your financial plans. Will you be able to afford private childcare when you return to work?

Please try not to be resentful. Thank them for what they have done and enjoy being family with them.

crumblebumblebee · 27/12/2014 00:11

I hate reserve AIBUs.

dietcokeandwine · 27/12/2014 00:12

Ok, they should have had a proper conversation with you about it, and your sister shouldn't have gone down the gleefully passive aggressive route, either.

But I think if you read your own post back to yourself, you'd see how unreasonable you're being.

Two to three days a week childcare, plus additional stints for DIY? (Please please tell me you pay them proper childcare rates, btw, and aren't cheerfully expecting all this for free?!). That's a lot for two people in their sixties. I have an almost 2yo too. My parents are in good health but they find him exhausting, and that's just looking after him for the occasional hour. They would really really struggle with even one day a week let alone two or three.

As others have said-take on board their comments, be as mature about it as you can and get some formal child care sorted out. Find DS a nice nursery or child minder and end the arrangement with your parents as soon as you can.

VixxenPlusAllTheOtherReindeers · 27/12/2014 00:14

only half way through your post andShock Shock Shock Shock Shock

emotionsecho · 27/12/2014 00:14

This has to be a wind-up, no-one is that blinkered, self centred or self absorbed, surely?

ilovesooty · 27/12/2014 00:15

I suspect they knew that raising the matter with you directly would be very difficult and you wouldn't be receptive to their point if view.

Evidently they were right.

Jackie0 · 27/12/2014 00:16

Your kids your responsibility

Idiotdh · 27/12/2014 00:16

What do you think of the replies so far,OP?

No one wants to do that amount of childcare when retired ...they want him to visit and spoil him but not be sort of employed by you...Do you pay them or is it for free?

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 00:16

"I've taken 3 weeks off work for them"Shock

Yes this must be a reverse type thing or wind up surely

AgentZigzag · 27/12/2014 00:18

I can understand why people post them crumblebum, if the OP had posted it from the sisters POV she would have been flamed to shit, told to mind her own fucking business, that she's jealous, there's always two sides to a story, nobody would believe her.

At least she can get a good gauge of what people think about her cheeky fuck of a sister, and some people really are like this entitled with babysitting/their parents, it has to be seen to be believed.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2014 00:19

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye

Grandparents. Love, play & spoil. Not child care. Being the apple of their eye means them seeing him when they want to! not facilitating your return to work.

tiggydiggydee · 27/12/2014 00:21

Oh my goodness! I'm sorry to say but I'm afraid you are coming across as very naive and and self centred. He is their grandchild and you are the parent. It's up to you to bring up your own child and care for him. If I were in my 60's I wouldn't want such a responsibility. They've already been there and done that for my own children. Of course they love him and want to see him but looking after a toddler 2 or 3 times a week every week is a lot to ask of your parents. And they have him when you do DIY etc??!!! Goodness you've been very lucky and your parents have been incredibly kind so far. And you thought they would not only continue to care for your DS1 but a new baby too? Speechless! If you'd planned to have a second child you should have planned proper childcare too.
Your parents should get a massive bunch of flowers and wine and a big thank you from you and then you should sort out better childcare while you are at work and let your parents enjoy their retirement doing the things they want to do!

scousadelic · 27/12/2014 00:25

If this is true then the answer to your question is Yes, you are being completely naïve and self-centred. I hope my children will treat me far better than you are treating your parents

rootypig · 27/12/2014 00:25

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms.

Are you MAD???? My DD is two and do you know how much childcare we have had from either set of grandparents? evening babysitting included? None. Nada. Zero. Do I give them any crap about this, or spare more than the odd moment of self pity? no. Because I do not expect anyone else to make sacrifices to raise my child.

You are one spoilt puss, let me tell you. To listen to you talk about making arrangements so they "could" go on holidays made my blood boil about as much as anything on MN ever has.

Dear god let this be a reverse.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2014 00:25

Reverse or YABTU.

My mom has a friend who watches her FIVE grandchildren four days a week. She had to stop recently because her source of income boyfriend left. They weren't paying her and are angry that they have to find childcare now. They were and are massively taking the piss and so are you.

Yanbu in wishing they'd just talked to you though. And I don't know if you are BU about the tutting. It would depend in how out of control (even for a toddler) your DS was.

If this is not a reverse of course. :)

TyrannosaurusBex · 27/12/2014 00:29

Apart from anything else, NYE is hardly an occasion for the under 2s anyway - people pay over the odds and don't expect toddlers to be about when the whole point of the evening is to be partying at midnight.

MrsBennington · 27/12/2014 00:30

Still can't believe OP is upset she had to take time off work to care for her own child to enable her parents to go on holiday and she is moaning about it.........

ilovesooty · 27/12/2014 00:31

Good point. I can't imagine who the fuck would think it reasonable to take an active toddler to a busy restaurant on NYE.

catrin · 27/12/2014 00:33

Having been here for too long, I suspect that the OP may actually be real :/

You have kids, you sort childcare. Your parents offer, great. They choose to stop, fine. Do what the rest of the world do and sort out an alternative. Just because they choose not to spend their retirement raising your child does not make them disappointing.

polyhymnia · 27/12/2014 00:38

I too would give some unhappy looks if a toddler was allowed by his parents to run around, make a racket and blight my meal out.

I look after my year old DGS to help out when needed sometimes ( he goes to nursery regularly for 2 days a week). It comes to up to a day or half day every 1-2 weeks or so, by prior arrangement.

We love having him and wouldn't have it any other way but it is demanding, however fit you are. I'm appalled at your attitude of entitlement and lack of recognition of your DPs' needs. My DDiL's attitude could not be more different - considerate, always checking it's OK with us and not questioning for a moment our freedom to have holidays, engage in other activities, work, etc.

ChasedByBees · 27/12/2014 00:38

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary.

You're not doing them a favour with this - they are doing you a huge, huge favour. They are obviously finding it difficult and your response is to feel disappointed rather than thankful and grateful for the massive support they've given you? Must be a reverse, surely no one can be this selfish and self absorbed.

I can see your point about them not talking to you but you've hardly reacted well, so I can see why they were reticent. Do you really think your children are their responsibility?