To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

Yes you are self centred. You seem to think raising your children is your parents responsibility too. No wonder they can't deal with you. And if your child is badly behaved then they definitely don't need to. You have two kids ffs, grow up and take care of your own kids that you created not your parents.

Wonders if the OP is going to come back?

I actually don't know whether you're BU or not. It really depends on how the grandparents came to be doing the childcare.

If you assumed that they would and they didn't feel they could say no, then you're BVU. If, however, they insisted they would be looking after him and didn't give you the opportunity to choose alternative childcare, then they are BU. Either way, YANBU to expect that they would talk to you directly and not go behind your back to your sister.

And whilst it's a huge thing to take on childcare for grandchildren it is so widespread that if it's the norm in your circle I guess you won't really appreciate what an imposition it is.

Either way, you do need to sort out alternative childcare, but if you're lucky they'll agree to be back up childcare if he's ill and can't go to childcare, but don't expect it.

They don't want to provide you with childcare anymore.

You expect them to be grateful? To find it fulfilling? No, they're knackered.

If your child had the whole restaurant tutting; he must be quite spectacularly spirited... Could that, and your refusal to acknowledge it, have any bearing on their reluctance to continue (unpaid?) childcare, I wonder???

You sound like a bit of a brat.Your parents have helped you out in a major way and probably saved you thousands. People don't retire to babysit grandchildren . They brought you up give them a break. I asked my mum to have my DD for two nights once she said "no bloody way I've done it with you lot." and i understand that toddlers are not easy company .
Ps as much as i like kids its bloody annoying on rare nights out if toddlers are out running round .If your DCs misbehave take them out ruins others evenings.

Crikey this must be a wind up OP. Well done you for letting your parents go on holiday for 3 week! Is this April 1st?

what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop

This has to be one of, if not the most, ridiculous thing I've read on mn. You've had a baby, its their grandchild and yes I'm sure they love him very much but come on, how can you be so deluded?

Realistically having a hand in helping him develop is day to day childcare, so thats dealing with mess, tantrums, the repetitive frustrating nature of toddlers, nappies, noisy toys etc. Fine if it was all precious moment like his first steps, but those times are few and far between, most of the time they will be playing skinny to a very small person who isn't exactly returning the favour.

I have grandchildren and obviously my own children, I could always think of something more fulfilling than day to day child rearing, and would be massively pissed off if my own daughter felt my life and hobbies were so insignificant that they should pale in comparison to nappies! How insulting, especially after they've done so much for you.

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary.

I cannot believe how entitled the OP is, this MUST be a joke post.

If it's not, your childcare issues are YOURS OP. Get your childcare sorted with your DH, hiring in professional help if needed.

Yes it's perfectly reasonable for grandparents to want to see their grandchildren on their terms, not as unwilling childminders for the bulk of the working week, for an ungrateful daughter and son-in-law!

I enjoy looking after my grandchildren and spending time with them very much but looking after a 2 year-old and a baby for 3 days every week is too much to expect. I am in my 60s and I would find it very tiring.
I think expecting too much could spoil your parents relationship with your children.
The only respect in which they are wrong is in whingeing to your sister rather than telling you directly that they are finding it too much.
I also think taking your child to the NYE curry is unreasonable.
You do sound selfish when you complain about taking time off to accommodate their holidays.
This doesn't mean that your children aren't the "apple of their eye". Let them spend time with your children and offer treats and fun when it is convenient for both them and you.

Yes, you ARE being unbelievably naive and self centred HTH.

Sorry OP but on MN you are never allowed to have any issues with grandparents who do childcare. You are also not allowed to have children unless you have fully budgeted for them.

My mum looks after my 2yo DS 2.5 days per week (at her suggestion) and loads of people I know have parents who do similar. Some don't of course due to health, finance or indifference. Sometimes issues come up which are harder to resolve than if you have formal childcare. I give her money for expenses and of course work round her holidays etc - she usually takes a few 2-3 week trips a year.

I am in a slightly similar situation to you in that I can see my mum is starting to find it quite tiring, but she will never say anything other than how much she loves DS. I know she has said to my sister she is struggling a bit though so there has been some awkwardness. We have had a good chat and decided the next step should be to look at nurseries and he will do 3 mornings there and afternoons with my mum (he usually naps then anyway).

I would suggest talking to your parents to see if they would be prepared to do something similar. By the time your baby is born and you have had some mat leave, your DS will be eligible for free nursery hours so you can work out a new plan. By then if things have been working well your parents may be more inclined to help out a bit if it's not such a burden.

I also do my best to let my mum know how much her help is appreciated and try not to have any battles over things that don't matter so much. Forget the lunch, long meals are shit for toddlers. Keep smiling and make sure you cover any holidays without complaint. YAB a bit U but with a slight shift in attitude I think YWNBU at all.

Hmm.

This can't be real can it? Can someone really be that selfish? This is the first time I've thought of that saying 'Can't see past the end of her own nose' in years! Your parents have been doing you a massive favour. You sound like you were doing them a favour by letting them have three weeks off this year! They're clearly struggling, and I think you need to look at at least lessening the load for them. When people retire they may not want an unexpected five years of wiping bums and noses, pureeing carrots and sticking macaroni to paper. They see your ds way too often for him to be the apple of their eye, he's their unpaid employment (I assume you don't pay them for the wonderful privilege of nurturing the fruit of your loins?)

If this is genuine, buy a big bunch of flowers, go round and let them know that you will make alternative arrangements for childcare as soon as possible. And thank them for everything they've done. Don't be a prick.

yes, get over yourself! You choose to have kids, you need to look after them. unbelievably selfish and entitled

This HAS to be a reverse or a joke, simply has to be. Who would admit to thinking and behaving in this way

I'm not sure this is a reverse! I think it might be one of these situations where the OP's parents were happy to do childcare to begin with (or they wouldn't have agreed to it) and where initially the OP would have been very appreciative and grateful. However, the situation has now changed for the parents - possibly due to getting older or just finding a lively toddler much more arduous than a static baby who possibly also slept a lot - but not for the OP who still wants free, family childcare. Instead of remaining thankful and appreciative, the OP now takes the childcare for granted and has actually convinced herself that she is doing her parents as much of a favour as they are doing her! Sadly, this is not the case and the OP needs to allow her parents to become recreational grandparents again instead of childminders in order to preserve good mrelationships between all parties concerned, including the child.

Is the OP Denise Royle?

If so, the whole family will just have been treated to a lovely Christmas dinner...!

Cup-a-Soup with a twist, anyone?

If this isn't a joke then YABU (and prepare to have to fork out for more paid childcare in the new year)!

So... going slightly against the grain here, most friends with kids rely on retired grandparents for free childcare. It is the expectation that they are willing to do it.

My dsis is oblivious to my mum's suggestions that she finds it tiring. We don't ask for any sitting as we hear so much of the moaning.

op is mainly be u as she should have asked about childcare for the second dc and reviewed the arrangements with her parents ongoing.

Gps were u for bitching but op could well be oblivious or they may not want to disappoint

It does seem in our group that if free family childcare wasn't available then they would rethink when/if they have kid's

I think you should be feeling embarrassed that you haven't had genuine conversations with your dps on a regular basis to check how they're coping and giving them easy outs.

The first time my diss made a passive aggressive comment (as you called it) I would have rushed to apologise to my dps and made alternate arrangements and let them be grandparents when they choose.

I say this as someone who is amazed at the way so many people on MN believe that gps have done their parenting and shouldn't ever do babysitting etc.

better said it best!