To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

Bettercallsaul1 has summed it up neatly for me.

I wonder if the OP will return to thank the couple of interesting posters who have offered some affirmation and understanding here?

Relying on grandparents for childcare while you work is difficult because the grandparents can understandably change their mind at any time. So a parent who doesn't have the money to pay for alternative childcare could easily be left in a position where they have no childcare, can't work and have upset their family. GPs can easily say no to childcare but an employee cannot say the same to their employer.

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh to be honest. I've been part of a similar situation hearing comments from the grandparents side of things. The parent had no alternative childcare and the grandparents didn't want to say anything so they made passive aggressive comments to anyone that would listen. The parent had no idea that the grandparents were doing this. Once they found out they felt really betrayed - in a similar way to the OP.

OP - can you talk to you parents about reducing the number of days or finding alternative childcare for your DS? Your parents probably didn't want to upset you and were letting it out in other ways.

Actually Bettercallsaul1 put it best!

Reverse!

The OP doesn't appear to feel "betrayed" - just bemused that her parents might not want to make her little princeling the centre of their universe.

The arrogance of her assumption that the procedure could simply be repeated with another baby is breathtaking.

No idea if it's a reverse or not but I recognise OP's NN.
Reminds me of a grandmother I met at playgroup. Her DD's older child was 13 and the GM had done the childcare for her. Then the GM got very sick, ended up needing an organ transplant. Only given all clear a couple of years ago. As soon as she got better her DD calmly announced the second pregnancy by saying to her DM, "Now you're better we can afford another one"
I'm constantly amazed at how entitled some people are, without eben realising what they're doing.

This just has to be a reverse thread! I could just about believe the childcare bit, but not that anyone could be so oblivious to toddler behaviour in a restaurant.
If not - then my sympathy is with the grandparents and good for them for putting their foot down with a second.
Yes, OP, (if this is genuine) you are completely naive and very self centred.

Sadly I think it's real. I think the OP honestly is this deluded. I feel sorry for her parents.

The fact that she hasn't been back to explain a reverse makes you think she be genuine -deluded and completely spoilt.
I am not a grandparent yet but of course I shall do it in my terms! I have never heard of anyone seeing that as wrong!!

Sorry - may be genuine.

I'm in my mid fifties and have 3 grown up DDs ,two of which are talking about starting families in the next few years.One is planning to buy a house much nearer to us and has tested the water jokingly about it being easier for me when I babysit.Babysitting for a night out now and then or having grandchildren for a weekend to give them time away together is totally fine by me.Providing child care week in week out 2/3 days a week is not.To put it bluntly I love my girls but I've been there and done that.Had 3 under five - our choice totally - but DH and I have worked extremely hard to give them a good start - lovely family holidays and helped them all through university and even financial help to get deposits for their own homes.Now it's our time again.And if that's selfish if me - tough.I have warned them.
I've seen my brother and his wife happily offer to have first grandchild 2 long days a week - plus they collect and take him home - and they're about to take on care of the new baby also and they are knackered.Would also be interested to see a response from OP-if it's not a reverse ?- and know if it was grandparents idea to do free child care in the first place.

Wow

YABVU

I felt exactly the same as the OP many moons ago when I had my first two children ( I now have four), and I remember very clearly how disappointed and hurt I was that my parents didn't want to spend any time with my kids alone. I get that it is their choice, on their terms, but I can never imagine not wanting to be with my DGC or not wanting to help my DCs out with childcare. I am a lot older now (and maybe a little wiser perhaps!) but now I feel that we are just different people. My DP's aren't as child-focussed as I am, and they were VERY happy once their child rearing days were over. They found it hard and stressful, and for me I am dreading it being over tbh.

OP your parents are actually doing a hell of a lot - 2-3 days a week plus more on top for DIY. I do think though that what you are saying is not that you expected them to do it but you expected them to WANT to. Big difference I think. I didn't expect that much from my DP's but I did expect them to want to look after my children more, every now and again, and to enjoy it, and see it as a privilege, but they didn't - and I was gutted tbh, just like you. I also expected them to want to help me - their DD. The reality was very different - my DP's wanted to come over maybe once a week for an hour (whilst I was there), have a coffee with me whilst the kids played, and that was it. I can remember very clearly how much that hurt. My DH worked shifts so we needed 45 mins here and there (maybe 3 hours tops) once a week but they were very anti. They didn't want to 'have their lives scheduled'. We couldn't get childcare easily for those random handovers, and we really didn't want people we didn't know looking after our DCs. It was hurtful but we just had to get over it. So I just wanted to say OP that I do understand how you feel, although I think in your case your DP's are actually doing a lot, but they clearly don't want to. If I was you, I was just organise childcare separately and just let go of your feelings about it.

OP I see where your coming from we have a similar arrangement with my parents (2 days but long ones). I was concerned that they wouldn't be able to cope even though they are on the young side and fit and well. There have been occasions where I have felt that it's getting too much for them but they assure me that is not the case but they could well be telling others behind my back that this is the case. My parents 'reason' for taking on this childcare is that my grandmother did they same for them when I and my DB were little it is for this reason that they can't/won't say anything to me if they are stuggling with the responsibility. However, when I go back to work this time (currently on maternity leave) I will not be asking my parents to have both, I think this is a step too far and to be perfectly honest I think I would prefer the employer/employee relationship that paying for childcare brings.

I don't think YABU BUT I think it's clear that your parents aren't totally on board with the situation and the fairest thing is to make alternative arrangements after DC2 is born.

Ok there is 2 parts to this.

Firstly the childcare arrangements; I think you are being naive to think a couple in their 60's can hack having a toddler 2-3 days a week. I am also in the fortunate position where my mum helps us out loads with childcare however my LO goes to nursery as well. Mum loves having him but I can see he needs children interaction & she needs her own space. I think we are lucky to have my mum in our life but if I am not careful I can border on taking advantage if you don't observe the situation.

Secondly the way it was handled; I can see how it was handled hurting you, especially with your sis. Not the greatest.

Would your parents consider looking after your second one whilst your eldest went to a childminder / nursery? When you return to work would your son qualify for the 15 free hours per week?

Good luck & I don't think you are being unreasonable asking your parents to help. Some of us are lucky that they want to be involved in out children lives on a daily basis. Just watch the signs when it becomes too much.

I am like you Snugglepiggy - I have 3 children and was a SAHM for years. I loved it but have moved on and don't want to go back to it. I now have a different life. I am very busy and DH and I are able to do things on the spur of the moment. I would love to be a grandmother, happy to babysit, have them to stay, take them out, help in emergencies BUT not do regular childcare. OP needs alternative arrangements and to stop blaming her parents- they have already given a lot.

I am in my 60s and well able to cope with a toddler all day- it isn't that - it is the restrictive nature of it.

Part of me agrees wind up but on the other hand I live in the NE oh birthplace and 180 miles from mine. When pregnant with no1 mil said "I'm not minding it" and which I suspected and knew I'd have to work an evening job

This seemed ok in theory but what I wasn't expecting was the general culture in the NE is the GPs due in my eyes a huge amount and I'd landed myself with the rare exception

I became bitter resentful and it changed my relationship with her forever, but on the flipside I'd have probably found mil doing

Childcare & school runs
Housework
Ironing
School holiday minding

Like so many parents Im friendly with up here get too intrusive

However they may well find it exhausting.

Of course they want GC on their terms. DS is your responsibility not theirs.
How much are they saving you financially week in, week out? Nursery fees have cost me over £50k over the years! YABVU.
On the other hand if they don't simply say no like my DM did, they've only themselves to blame. It's not how I want to spend my retirement.

Mehitabel

That's what we've had from inlaws and it isn't unreasonable, just when your the parent of the baby and disabled toddler with them all day with no sleep then going to work evening destroyed but then having other mums;

Taking their mother to toddlers with them for help
Going back to work full time days dropping small children off at gp's at 7.30 and not picking up till 6
These GPs often going to parent house to tidy round and do a bit of ironing

It's really hard not to feel negative and down about it and of course then I feel too

I didn't get help so I'm not giving it when it's my turn

That seems to be a theme here, whether or not the GPs feel obliged

I look after my 13 month old Granddaughter for one day a week. I offered to do it and I love the bond we have through spending so much time together. I'm also very lucky that my daughter is very appreciative and never takes my involvement for granted. The OPs attitude is very unattractive.

I am sorry but I need to see if the OP comes back. Amazing!

I have done a similar amount of childcare for my two dgs for 8 years now (since eldest was 6 months and now after school) but I offered. I love it but I would hate the level of entitlement shown by op.
I do understand that she didn't know how her parents felt and feel they should have spoken to her not her sister. In her position I would be looking for alternative childcare and just asking dgp for occasional babysitting.
It sounds as though, even at the meal, she was expecting her parents to amuse her child instead of taking charge herself.
She is being unreasonable but understandable I think.

I think this kind of situation is more common than we think. I have seen a few childcare arrangements breakdown for the following... Grandparents offer a couple of days childcare when mum returns to work. All lovely with a cuddly 1 year old who still naps nicely in the afternoon, loves strolls in the pram to the park. All great. Baby gets older and is all of a sudden is a 2 year old. Very different scenario. Fights naps, tests boundaries etc. GPs then start to reconsider the situation. Then a 2nd pregnancy is announced. GPs understandably panic.

If the OP is reading this thread (which I doubt) then you have some options. Arrange for a childminder or nursery for the week days you need and grovel to your parents for the odd Saturday. DIY will have to be done in turns with either yourself or DP looking after ds. You will be on maternity leave in a few months anyway.

Then when you return to work, find a nursery or childminder who can take both and that will give you your 15 free hours (if in England). Request to change days at work so no more Saturday working. Or your DP does. Paying for weekend childcare is extremely expensive.

You will feel that you are working for nothing after childcare cost. This is the same for many.

Your parents should have spoken to you and not your sister. But would you have listened?