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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed by my own parents?

310 replies

soulpunk · 26/12/2014 23:52

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

OP posts:
JammyTodger · 27/12/2014 09:21

I've also sadly seen this attitude before. A friend of my DM's found it so hard to say no to her daughter's childcare demands that she moved to Spain. She wasn't happy there so moved back to the UK but 100 miles from her daughter. And then... Her daughter basically followed her. Poor woman has spent the first half of her retirement trying to escape the childcare demands of her daughter. Obviously, she should have more of a backbone but she just can't say no and it's ruined her relationships with her husband, daughter, and worst if all her grandchildren who she obviously adores but doesn't want to parent full-time.

I've never asked my own mom to babysit. (But when she very occasionally offers, I bite her hand off Grin)

magoria · 27/12/2014 09:23

Fancy having to take time off work to look after your own child! Hmm

VixxenPlusAllTheOtherReindeers · 27/12/2014 09:24

Someone I knew went back to work when her dd was six months. Her 75 year old mother looked after the child! She had a walking stick and was very frail.
The child went nursery three days a week and grandma was doing pick ups (on foot).
The mother had a second job at weekends and the grandmother and blind grandfather looked after the child too. The mother was 40 ish and lived at home still.

I honestly felt soo sorry for the grandmother she always looked tired and her other children resented their sister for putting pressure on their mum who would complain but still do the childcare. I think she was afraid she wouldn't get to see her dgd anymore if she upset her daughter by stopping childcare. .

it was dangerous as well as the walk from the nursery was along a main road and the child would run off.
She would also hit her grandmother and call her names.

Some people really are oblivious.

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 09:24

WhatDoI

Am astounded at your Sil total selfishness....you need to sort the situation in the new year.

Shock At not even being paid.

Good luck

twoopsie · 27/12/2014 09:25

Yanbu that they should of just discussed it with you like grownups. But you shouldn't count on them giving cc.

WhatDoICallMyself · 27/12/2014 09:29

Only1scoop I definitely intend to sort it.

Problem with SIL is that when she says "Jump" the rest of the family say "How high?" so I will almost certainly be seen as the bad guy

Zippidydoodah · 27/12/2014 09:37

Eek my mum looks after my dd but I do pay her, thank her profusely and make sure she's happy doing it.

hoobypickypicky · 27/12/2014 09:37

"I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary."

How awfully generous of you to take time off work to look after your own kid so your 60-odd year old parents can have a break from the large amount of unpaid childcare that they provide. Here, have a medal.

Here's a tip - look after your own kid or pay for the care you want so you can dictate the times and terms and, while I'm at it, try parenting properly so your child doesn't disturb other diners while you're out too.

Yes, you are being incredibly self-centred. So much so that I'm dubious about the state of your hands.

Bowchickawowow · 27/12/2014 09:45

It is difficult, which is why when my MIL offered to do childcare for DS1 I declined.

A friend of mine's older DD was looked after by grandparents - who not only offered but INSISTED - fast forward and then they were being vague about arrangements etc generally making things difficult, but still insisting they wanted to have her - it was a nightmare for my friend who worked different shifts which were difficult to get CM / nursery cover for, purely because the GPs had insisted.

Apricota · 27/12/2014 09:46

You need to pay for commercial childcare. And ANY help from grandparents should be appreciated.

MrsHoolie · 27/12/2014 09:51

whatDoICallMyself sounds like you will have to cope with the fall out as they are taking the piss!

Where is the OP??

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/12/2014 09:54

Unbelievable !

Xmas Grin I don't think OP will be back after the unanimous YAB totally bloody U's.

I loved that she thought her Dad should 'shrug off the tuts' in the restaurant , priceless OP, priceless Xmas Grin

Original poster
soulpunk · 27/12/2014 09:55

As I'm sure many posts are this was all written in a rather emotional state. I think I was more disappointed with the way they handled it. Instead of talking to me before this, they let it build up and then it came out unexpectedly, bluntly and awkwardly. I don't mind changing things if that's what they want but I had had conversations with them about how they were coping and they always said they were ok. We talked about part time nursery a few months back but they didn't like the idea of him being left with strangers so young. It's more normal for family to do childcare.

All the comments are interesting so thanks to everyone. I've never posted in this thread before, it's rather like being repetitively punched in the face so I'm glad I've realised this is the place that gives mumsnet it's infamous reputation.

Thanks to those who made helpful suggestions rather making assumptions.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred2 · 27/12/2014 09:55

did you assume they would be looking after the new baby too???

spookyskeleton · 27/12/2014 09:56

A colleague of mine who had retired and now just does a couple of days a week is worried that she is going to find herself in this situation.

Her DD casually dropped it into conversation that she assumed my colleague would look after any future grandchildren -my colleague is more than prepared to do ad-hoc childcare but does not want to be tied down to regular 2/3 days a week.

Her Dd is in the process of buying a new house with a massive mortgage, presumably because they assume they are going to get free childcare and my colleague is in a position now that she needs to say something now, even though she isn't pregnant yet.

To complicate matters, her Dd is a teacher which means that my colleague would hold have to go on holiday in school holiday times which is completely unfair.

Very difficult situation Sad

WorkingBling · 27/12/2014 09:58

We don't have gps nearby but do have family. No one ever does regular Childcare but we all rely on each other in emergencies - my sister's nanny even picked up ds from nursery the other day because I was stuck at work and dh was away.

I think asking family to help is perfectly reasonable. But any sense of entitlement or expectation of regular support that is so one way is always going to end badly.

When my parents visit they have helped out in last minute situations. But again, I am always grateful and find a way to pay back.

Op you are being very entitled.

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 09:59

'I don't mind changing things if that's what they want'

I'm not sure if there is an 'if' there Op. They may feel guilty and back down for you but I'm sure you'd not continue to take advantage....

Glad you came back Op.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/12/2014 10:00

Your parents were clearly worried about your reaction and you are still in denial that childcare is too much for them.

You need to address this before the birth of your next child, get professional childcare sorted.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 27/12/2014 10:00

soulpunk I'm sorry you feel bad but people can only respond to what you post.

PunkrockerGirl · 27/12/2014 10:07

It's more normal for family to do childcare

Really?

lightgreenglass · 27/12/2014 10:07

I can't understand the annoyance about talking to your sister instead of you and the PA remarks but you do sound incredibly entitled. They've done their child rearing and the point of being a GP is that it's on your terms not subject to terms and conditions.

Finola1step · 27/12/2014 10:08

You asked if you are being unreasonable. You got a resounding "Yes". Many posters agreed that your parents should have spoken more openly to you first.

If you post in AIBU, you tend to get very honest, blunt replies. This is only one section on mumsnet and not a full picture of the whole site.

You asked the question, you got the answer that you did not like. Tis not the fault of Mumsnet.

Allegrogirl · 27/12/2014 10:09

We talked about part time nursery a few months back but they didn't like the idea of him being left with strangers so young. It's more normal for family to do childcare.

It's really not normal for GPs to do all the childcare for working parents in my experience. I know of one family where this is the case and the parents really take the piss out the Grandma who does it. The comment about leaving a child with strangers is extremely rude to those of us who don't have GPs close by or who choose not to take advantage of them for all our childcare needs.

I'm extremely lucky my parents help out. They had my DD1 for 2 days a week until my mum had a hip replacement. Then both DDs for 2 mornings a week as they could no longer manage a whole day. The rest of the time girls were with those nasty strangers in nursery so my parents always knew there was alternative childcare if they were ill or fancied a few days away. I rarely asked for babysitting and only for weekend care in a dire emergency as I felt they were doing plenty already.

LittleBearPad · 27/12/2014 10:14
Shock

YABU, vvvvvU

LinesThatICouldntChange · 27/12/2014 10:15

Lol at 'mumsnet's infamous reputation'!
Yes, things can get rather fraught at times on AIBU, but this thread really isn't one of those occasions... The OP is ludicrous and 99% of the responses have simply been staggered by the sense of entitlement and disregard for other people (grandparents plus wider public re: the restaurant thing)
Of course, there is the 1% (exemplified upthread) where a minority try to claim that gp's should willingly give over their lives to grandchildren, unless too old or sick. It's horrid, this attempt to 'measure' a gp's worth in terms of how many freebies you can get out of them.
What matters is whether a gp is loving, supportive and builds a good relationship with grandchildren. And that can be done without being held to ransom as a free childminder by the parents.