To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

If you are not careful the 'Apple of their eye' will swiftly become a thorn in their side.

They've raised their children, why on earth would they want to do it again?

How many more ways are people going to call the OP selfish and say she's BU? We're 227 messages in now and I think she gets the point! It feels like people just want to stick the boot in.

Wow. You are so totally out of order!

My parents look after my son, 2 days a week, which is mutually agreed BUT I pay them (not the going rate, but again, a mutually agreed amount) and I am VERY careful to not ask them to have him more and they ask me if they want to see him more.
They have been absolutely fantastic and I am indebted to them. I ask them regularly if the arrangement is working out and make sure I bend over backwards for them in other ways to make up for the fact that they have him.
They went away for 3 months at the beginning of the year, and they're going away for 2 months next week. Am I annoyed? No I'm not.
Get a grip! You are massively entitled.

I'm quite surprised at the number of available grandparents. At 56 I have two grandchildren, but am unable to look after them in any formal sense as I am too busy at work, climbing the greasy career pole and trying to keep body and soul together, while saving enough for my increasingly distant retirement. Oh and keeping an eye on my mum too.
Where are call these non working grandparents?

I agree with pp that this seems a v British phenomenon that I am slowly getting used to

In many other cultures grandparents see it as their pride and joy and, dare I say it, duty, to look after their grandchildren. As long as they are physically able of course

Here on mumsnet posters are made to feel rude and entitled for relying on grandparents.

I would never dream of asking my parents for childcare someone says earlier? Why the hell not? They're your parents!

Looking after elderly family members and young family members is natural and normal.

But my mil is British and therefore I'm v careful what I ask from her because it seems like such a touchy subject.

Wish my mum was still here RIP

I am going to try and represent the grandparents point of view.

My grandchildren live with me fulltime on residence orders. It is incredibly hard going back to looking after toddlers again and I have had to be very focused/driven about routine which is the way I cope. I absolutely love the boys and they rely on me, but I sometimes feel sad for the life I could have had and our plans for the future.

I had a comment made at the school where a young mum said she felt disappointed her DM didn't really do enough for her as she was the same age as me and I was not tired and managed it every day!

She didn't seem to understand that this is because they live with me. She went on to complain at weekends she never got time off because she had to look after her own children. I used to see her mum struggling in town with her toddler who would be throwing massive tantrums. I just don't think she realised what she sounded like.

She also said she was desperate to get her kids back to school after the summer holidays and looked at me like I was mad when I said I would feel really sad when they went back - for selfish reasons because getting out and about with them keeps me young and my days would be empty without them.

I think you need to go for a mix of paid for childcare and perhaps a little childcare for the eldest child from your parents. I know I absolutely couldn't go back to more babies and I am in my early fifties. What you must avoid is resentful childcare as these feelings will be picked up on by your children. You must also avoid a complete breakdown in their childcare provision as you will be stuck frantically trying to find a suitable nursery and believe me, the best ones tend to be full.

Journey - you talk about "duty".

I care more about my parents than imposing "duty" on them- I care about their quality of life. I care about them having time for each other , reconnecting with each , other than being parents and grandparents.

The OP never came back did they?

The OP did come back.

Oh I must have missed that, just though it had triggered a massive theoretical argument!

I would agree - if you really cared about your parents you would want them to have a life- have time together and time to do all those things they never had time to do when they were working and bringing up children. When are they supposed to do it? By the time the grandchildren don't need them they don't be able to go on 10 mile walks, drawing classes etc etc etc.
They are going to have to work until they are 67yrs. I wonder where you find all these grandparents who are actually free to look after children.
If I get grandchildren I am free the first and fourth Thursday in the month and most Fridays- and the very occasional Tues afternoon. I can't make more time than that. My mother was similar when mine were growing up- and I am really glad that she had her own life!

Journey you can ask, but they can also say no! It is fine if people are relying on grandparents, noway have we said that it is not, but both parties have to be on the same boat. Every so often the situation gets reviewed, and the grandparents can back out with reasonable notice, so that the parents can arrange alternative childcare.

I'm not entirely sympathetic to the OPs parents. Someone had to have created a daughter so self centred and entitled.

Dido the non-working grandparents are likely to be 10 years older than you and retired. If gm and Mum both have their children over 30, which is very usual gps will be older.

Zeeboo-do you have kids and how old are they?

My dm is adamant that she wants ds when she shortly retires and she wants me to cancel nursery. However I know she is underestimating how tiring ds will be so nursery stays. I can imagine the difficulties that might arise should one take what gps might offer and then arrange work etc around it. Where i live you cant just change childcare half way through the year if gps decide they have had enough, nursery places will be full. So i think a realistic attitude on BOTH sides would help prevent misunderstandings and conflict.

I agree with pp that this seems a v British phenomenon that I am slowly getting used to
In many other cultures grandparents see it as their pride and joy and, dare I say it, duty, to look after their grandchildren. As long as they are physically able of course

The last time this came up someone posted a similar comment critical of "British" culture. I'd turn it around and say I'm surprised to hear it is acceptable for grown -up children not to take responsibility for their own lives.

Wowzers. We have no family who help with childcare and I think you have been exceptionally lucky and priviledged to have had the childcare you have had fro, your grandparents. I think you do forget that toddlers require an exceptional amount of energy! You are disappointed that your parents displayed their frustration with the situation to your sister, but perhaps they just didn'thave the heart to bring it up because they do love your son and appreciate your financial situation. As someone who has never had childcare from a family member ever, I think you have taken your parents for granted and I commend that they have helped you out the way they have.

Retire @60
Average lifespan=80
3 days childcare for 49 weeks a year for 4 years = 588 days
Leaving approx 6712 days for visiting Natural trust properties and watching countdown. It's not like you asking them to give up their entire retirement. And there are only 6000 episodes of countdown anyway!

Umm, what makes you think everyone over 60 or thereabouts just goes to NT properties and watches Countdown? I. Have recently got a PhD and taught part time and my DH is out 3-4 days a week working.

And who will be retiring at 60?

I'm 55 . I will be working full time until I'm 65. After that I fully expect to be applying to be one of M&S /B&Q's older workers.

Unless of course I'm being paid to look after my (thankfully and long may it continue that way) theoretical grandchildren.

Wow, you obviously think your parents have no right to a life that they can call their own. They have had their children and probably brought them up without a lot of help. They would have looked forward to spending their later years in a relaxed fashion with opportunities to do as they please. I can imagine how the prospect of extending this care of not only one child but then another presents lack of freedom until the time when they are no longer able to get about and please themselves. Grandparents love their grandchildren but that doesn't mean you own their lives. I wonder what your reaction will be in future years when your children make similar demands on you!

Good grief- I have never watched countdown and I probably go to a NT property only a few times a year! There is a whole world out there with masses and masses to do! And useful things.
There does seem to be an assumption that people are going to retire at 60yrs (not that they are going to be able to do that in the future) and then they potter arround the house and garden, reading the newspaper, watching daytime TV with the odd outing. The reality is that they may take on second jobs, study, chair committees, volunteer, run marathons, sail over the channel and a hundred and one things - and they have very little time left to do it if the average lifespan is 80yrs.
I don't know if I will be lucky enough to have grandchildren - I hope so- and if so I shall be involved hopefully. There to babysit, happy to give regular help in school holidays and emergencies but not to give up my life for the day to day childcare when I have done it for decades with my own children.
I really feel for OP's parents - they wanted to help and have managed it, but just as they see the end she announces she is starting again- and they are expected to start again! It must be difficult to say so in face of such assumptions- not surprising they had a moan to the sister.
The bit that really niggles with me is 'they want to be grandparents on their own terms' said as an accusation as if it is wrong! Of course people want to be grandparents on their terms- we are parents on our terms - why would it change?

If my retirement is anything like my parents and grandparents, I shall be off holidaying for large parts of each year.
I don't actually feel sorry for OP's parents though. All they have to do is say "no." Anything else is of their own making.

Regarding the 'they should have told her directly/not bitched to sister' - it sounds very much like they tried hard to let her know but (as it doesn't suit her) she wasn't listening! It's hard to say 'we don't want to carry on with this arrangement', they decided to hint and hope OP would give them the out. It's very human and not a crime!

I feel so so sorry for grandparents in this position I really do.

CP - I think they have said no, the OP wasn't listening.