was SIL rude ?

[EvilTendency1]

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

I am ? at people saying the DH was rude. He was bloody restrained if you ask me. If I'd cooked a meal for a family, their child didn't eat it then no way would they be allowed pud

How ridiculous. We are talking about a 4 year old. Would you really get so hysterical if you had "cooked a meal for a family" and their 4 year old wasn't interested? Or would you retain a sense of perspective and think - "she's 4 , it really doesn't matter"

The husband was extremely rude and a bad host.

Like most people eat chocolate for breakfast Christmas Day, or let their children have a sip of alcohol

It's Christmas Eve and we've just had home-nade cocunut cake with loads of buttercream icing for breakfast. I'm 55 not 4 so I suppose it's allowed.

I'm heading towards the sherry, Phaedra.

XH used to try and have different rules for his GC than applied to our own DC in our house. I was not having it. Our DC were not allowed to play with the knobs on the stereo, so neither were they. And no child would have been allowed pudding if they hadn't eaten their main course, my child or not. SIL was incredibly rude and the DH was quite right.

Sounds just like our house when my sister and husband and niece came. Drove me up the wall. No control at all. And if you are reading this on here dear sister then much as I love you....you and hubby need to be the parents.

Redhead the rule about not twiddling knobs on the stereo is a perfectly sensible one. It affects every one if it's broken or pre-set radio stations are tampered with.

Refusing to allow a 4 year old to have a pudding affects no-one other than the 4 year old.

She was his guest. Within reason most well - mannered people like to make their guests(of whatever age) comfortable and give them an enjoyable experience. There was no inconvenience whatsoever to him and his wife to let her have pud and was extremely rude and a poor host in reacting the way he did.

There's a difference between being forced to clean your plate before you can have dessert (which is really bad, I think) and having to actually try some real food before eating cake or whatever.

I think they were both rude.

My niece and nephew annoy the shit out of me with their eating. Since they were very small (they're nine and seven now) their mother has brought food to family gatherings specifically for them. Like tubes of yogurt, microwavable chicken fingers, slices of banana bread with chocolate chips, etc. I think that is shockingly rude really, especially as there is always a huge variety of food and I personally, if I had a picky child, would rather they snacked on cheese and crackers or whatnot for the day than bring food and offend the host (usually our MIL).

I could go in, they're really annoying in regard to food. But I never say anything and neither does MIL because they're not our kids. The only time I've said anything was when BIL told my DS not to eat broccoli because it tasted yucky. Actually I didn't say anything, just gave him a look that would have peeled paint.

Redhead but I assume his GC were over fairly often. That's different than a one off Christmas dinner to me.

If someone tried to parent my child in front of me I'd be flabbergasted. If I want my child to be allowed dessert without eating their main meal then that's my choice.

If I'd been the SIL my response would have been "sorry but I'm the parent here, I will help Mary get some dessert".

I agree with you Fluffy.

Even though I loathe pickiness in children, it isn't my child (or a child I am in charge of at the time) and therefore not my business.

I would step in if something was in danger of being broken or someone could be hurt, and I will ask children "what do you say" in a cheerful tone if they ask me for something rudely. But otherwise (though tbh I judge away in my head) I'd leave them to it.

but the hostess had already been confrontational. I consider telling a hungry 4 year old 'I won't be giving out crisps' to be rude. The child was a guest. Maybe she would rather have had crisps than the meal that was on offer.

I am stunned that anyone can think this is a reasonable thing to say.
A family were invited for a meal at another family's house. I don't give a monkeys if the child might prefer crisps, clearly, no-one should eat a bag of crisps 5 mins before that meal was due to be served. No, the host shouldn't have had to explain that to the child, her parent should have, but clearly this parent wasn't up to the job, so the Aunty had to step in.

Backforgood I'm stunned at your post. This is a 4 year old we are talking about at what what was (I assume) an event intended to be fun for all concerned.

I don't know any 4 year olds now but when I did it was their parents I was inviting for a meal- not a family. Depending on the circumstances small children sometimes might attend as well, sometimes not.

If children were there I much preferred they eat what they wanted in what order they wanted. If parents wanted to bring things the children liked but which I wouldn't necessarily cook, also fine. Point being we're all enjoying it.

Husband here was petty and rude.

I absolutely agree with you Backforgood

"Since they were very small (they're nine and seven now) their mother has brought food to family gatherings specifically for them."

Well perhaps that's the way to go rather than rummaging through cupboards if you want your kids demands to be immediately catered for.

SIL was extremely rude.
Husband sounds annoyed. Maybe slight diplomacy would have been in order, but allowing this child to have dessert would be totally undermining the house rules set for his own children (who I guess would have been sitting at the table).

Allowing your child to have crisps just before a meal is very bad manners. I don't give a toss whether they're four or fourteen.

Totally agree, Backforgood.

Phaedra, Cheerful fortunately, the GC were rarely round and they were (and possibly still are for all I know) not parented at all. But the rules of my house apply to all children who enter and if they or their parents don't like it, they know where the door is.

Why would the dh decide to spoil the meal in this way. If Mary had pudding and no main why is it the dh problem or concern? Is this special Christmas meal the right time to teach his relatives the right way to parent their child? I would also have been pissed off tbh.

Totally agree Bung

I've never found that.

As I said before, my niece and nephew are completely irritatingly picky and when DS questioned it I just said "that's the way their mom does things. I'm your mom, and I say you will try your food.". That was that.

^if* Mary had waited and at least attempted the main meal I would have thought the DH rude for saying no pudding. But she didn't. She ate crisps, began demanding pudding and then more. She's old enough to understand people eat mains and pudding in that order - and if she isn't she needs to learn because she's at an age where she'll start eating out without parents.

Mary is 4 years old. The husband , if he actually used the words quoted, sounds like a pompous ass.

Cansu - spot on with your comment.

Mary needs some boundaries. Her mother was very rude insisting on helping herself to crisps and would have got my back up no end.

The comment about no pudding I can see both sides.

If I was the host I'd bite my tongue and be gracious. However if someone told my kid similar I'd suck it up and agree that their house and their rules.

yes she was rude, friend and spent considerable amount of time and money, and effort, on making a family day, and her friend just out all that aside for a packet of crisps.

dh was not wrong either, its the rule I have in my house, no tea, no treat.

So true, fluffling.
Mary was not the only child there and of course the others would pick up on the fact that she was allowed to behave badly and get away with it. Kids aren't daft!