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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was SIL rude ?

230 replies

EvilTendency1 · 23/12/2014 23:39

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

OP posts:

Reddeb · 24/12/2014 06:44

Wow, so much about over something so unimportant. OK sil rifled through the kitchen cupboards but this wasn't at a stranger's house or even a friend but family. A 4year old child didn't eat her meal because of said crisps, perhaps he parents wouldn't have done this normally but just wanted to keep her happy during large family meal which can sometimes be a wee bit stressful! Anyway whatever the circumstances I think it was all so inconsequential it was not worth the subsequent row! I think people really need to let go on their need to control!

Romeorodriguez · 24/12/2014 07:00

Are you sure this actually happened? It seems a bit nothingy to relay to others. And very nothingy to put on the actual Internet. And I am the biggest idiot for reading this boring shite.

londonrach · 24/12/2014 07:07

Sil should never had got the crisps so close to dinner and should have correctly parented her child re the pudding. If it happened in my family im afraid the person who cooked would have had some things to say! (Shudder)

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 24/12/2014 07:11

Sil was rude .

I think dh could have been a little more gentle about it and spoken to sil instead of the child but I agree with what he did as his kids were present too and would be watching their cousin getting away with behaviour that they wouldn't.

louisejxxx · 24/12/2014 07:16

Sil was definitely being rude not waiting 5 mins for the food...why bother bringing her at all to just fill her with crisps instead of the meal they'd come for?!

In our house the same rule applies - no dinner = no pudding...but I'm not sure I'd be daring enough to enforce it on another person's child, I don't think I'm brave enough!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 24/12/2014 07:24

SIL was rude. Personally I wouldn't have refused Mary the pudding but I don't think the DH was rude.

A pp mentioned controlling relatives. Well to me it sounds like Mary will grow into one of those adult relatives who are spoilt brats and tantrum every time they don't get their own way.

Whocansay · 24/12/2014 07:35

SIL was rude. And appears to be making a rod for her own back.

I would have done (and have done) exactly what your dh did. If kids don't eat dinner, they don't get pudding. I'm a bit surprised that people would happily cave to a 4 year old, tbh. It's not good for them. It didn't occur to me that I was being rude. Oh well!

I wouldn't have SIL back in the house without an apology.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 07:49

Sounds to me like Mary's parents actually give a shit about their daughters mental well-being, and the DH's children are gonna get sick to death of feeling super controlled over every little thing. Like pudding.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 07:52

People who force their kids to eat their dinner before they get pudding - you do realise (apart from being really controlling) it is a one-way ticket to obesity right? I mean you are actually encouraging your kids to overeat. And to eat things they aren't hungry for.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 07:55

Sil was definitely being rude not waiting 5 mins for the food...why bother bringing her at all to just fill her with crisps instead of the meal they'd come for?!

Ummm...they were there to be together and have fun surely. Not for the food??

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 07:57

It sounds like Mary's parents can't be arsed actually doing any parenting and now have a badly behaved child who others will dread being around. They don't give a shit about how her bad behaviour impacts on others and are very selfish.

I feel sorry for the poor child if this lack of parenting means she has no boundaries in her life as she is already on the way to becoming a spoilt brat who will not find it easy when she is at school without mummy indulging her every whim.

Not parenting does not ensure mental well being. Quite the reverse.

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 08:01

It's about ensuring your child eats a healthy and balanced diet, rather than filling themselves up on sweet things. The SILs approach is more likely to induce eating problems and obesity.

They were there to have a meal, which will not be much fun if one child is consistently not parented and behaves like a brat and consequently ruins the whole affair, as happened here. SIL need to start acting like a parent and teaching her child how to behave in different situations in preparation for her going to school otherwise the poor kid is in for one hell of a hard time.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/12/2014 08:05

If they arent hungry for their dinner, then surely they'd be overeating with a pudding too.

AliMonkey · 24/12/2014 08:05

Given it's close family I would be quite comfortable with them helping themselves to things from my cupboards - within reason ie drink or snack not tomorrow's dinner! But not if it was clear that dinner was about to be served - and particularly not if host had already said no. If child had got to the point that they were so hungry there was about to be a meltdown (which is quite possible in toddler, less usual for 4 year old) then as guest I might have explained to host eg "I can tell that if I don't give her something now she will be a nightmare, is it ok if I just give her a couple of crisps?" And as host I would think that was ok.

If child is here for tea (no parent) then our rules apply - though I would tend to be marginally less strict. With parent there I would hold back a bit more - but agree with PP that unfair on host's DC for them to see others bending rules.

So SIL BU, DH not BU.

PicaK · 24/12/2014 08:06

Thing is - for all you insisting that lunch was nearly ready a four year old still had time to wander out of the kitchen and eat a bag of crisps. I'd be very interested to know what time you told them lunch was for and what time you actually served it. I also suspect your kids are older and you've forgotten how fractious little kids can be. And some of them sit marvellously at a table and some don't.
Your SIL was rude to rifle through your cupboards (unless she brought the crisps and you'd run late and not served any pre lunch snacks).
But your husband was awful. Just so rude to a four year old. You can't just impose rules on kids and really what he was doing was attacking your in-laws parenting style via his niece. That's pretty shameful.
So apologies needed on both sides I think. And a little bit of acceptance from you guys that there are different ways of parenting.
Plus can't you even be a bit pleased that she didn't want the food then observed it and then decided your cooking looked really nice and she'd like to try it? You both sound very controlling and only interested in whether the DC obey you and your rules not whether they are enjoying it.

passthedouche · 24/12/2014 08:10

Oh hear we go....parents who don't put loads of restrictions, rules and control on their kids are shit and creating an awful child. Really? So allowing a child food choices and options, or options and choices in anything really, is 'a lack of parenting and boundaries'? Don't you think it is actually extremely easy to be bossy and rules-y and strict, and is in fact much harder and challenging (and way more rewarding) to be more mindful and present? Actually in my experience of raising 4 kids this way (two of whom are now delightful teens) it produces kids who are then, in turn, more mindful and sweet and kind to others feelings themselves because that's how they were raised. It's called modelling katiekaye, and IME it has the complete opposite effect from what you are suggesting.

MadeinSouthWest · 24/12/2014 08:11

Ditto Pica's comment above. Did your friend tell them a time that dinner would be served and was dinner actually served at that time?

I think it is one of those situations where we cannot give reasonable opinion without hearing both sides of the story.

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 08:19

Are you the SIL, passthedouche?

Modelling is great when the parent actually does that rather than just giving in to whatever the child demands which is what it sounds like in this case. The complete opposite of modelling in fact and not likely to have a happy outcome as in this case where the child's behaviour and SILs attitude to it resulted in a negative outcome.

AnitaManeater · 24/12/2014 08:19

Both very rude! I have a 4yr old with some degree of learning difficulty and he just wouldn't understand this at all. If I was SIL I'd have maybe tried to fob Mary off with half a banana - my children's blood sugar seems to drop and they become really miserable and then won't eat anything. In my eyes a banana is a bit less offensive then crisps DH was exceptionally rude and I'm not surprised they left - not sure how the event would have recovered from that! You can't enforce your 'house rules' without fair warning.

whattheseithakasmean · 24/12/2014 08:27

I have been on holiday with my SIL and kids. They parent so, so differently to me. You know what? I kept my gob shut, so did she, e did it our ay & had a lovely holiday.

It sounds like adults ruining a family occasion by competitive parenting. The DH should have let it go - it isn't his issue how/what/when Mary eats. He was the host & he as rude. Bad manners in an adult are not excusable. Mary is not to blame as she was not misbehaving to her parents standards and it his her parents who set her rules and they were happy with her.

tumbletumble · 24/12/2014 08:32

SIL was incredibly rude about the crisps.

The other one is trickier. It's not easy to decide whose view should prevail - the parent or the host. I think, given it was a special Christmas meal, friend's DH could have chosen to relax normal rules a bit and I'm not surprised SIL was cross.

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 08:38

Your husband was extremely rude. As others have said one would never speak to an adult like that.

So far as sil is concerned I cannot imagine getting my knickers in a such a twist over a close relative looking for crisps for a 4 year old. If it had been my sil and my 4 year old niece I don't think I'd have thought anything of it. With guests I hope I make my guests feel comfortable and welcome. Handing over a packet of crisps is not a big deal.

I also can't imagine getting worked up about the fact that a 4 year old wasn't that interested in the meal the adults were having. Some one mentioned "wasting food" yeah right - how much difference would the amount a 4 year old eat make?

On the whole I don't think sil was rude, you're making a fuss about nothing and your husband's behaviour was very ill-mannered.

ApocalypseThen · 24/12/2014 08:39

The problem is, we don't know what's normal among this family. Maybe it's standard practice for them to look in the presses in each others' houses and take food out. If it is, I can't really say the sister in law did something wrong.

Giving out to a fractious four year old about novelty rules that they didn't know they were supposed to live by is a bit weird though.

Blu · 24/12/2014 08:53

Not good to go hunting in cupboards: if the 4 year old really was hungry she could have been given a little starter of half an apple or something . Crisps wouldn't necessarily fill up a v hungry 4 yo enough to put them off lunch, anyway.

And then, to be told 'no pudding' with it there in front if her, and having had no warning of this house rule beforehand, poor child! Adults taking their upset with her parents out in her. Horrible, horrible behaviour.

This 'my house my rules' thing creates some very Ungenerous hosting. Which us in itself very bad manners.

OP, your friends reaction to what may or may not have been unreasonable behaviour wrecked what was supposed to be a lovely relaxed, fun family get together. For the sake of what? A pack of crisps and wanting to insist on a certain behaviour by a visiting 4 year old. Uptight and judgemental. I hope a perfect household without relatives agreeing to visit in future makes them happy.

Blu · 24/12/2014 08:55

Plus ' no dinner, no pudding' is a bad way to encourage good eating habits, IMO, but that's up to them, with their own children . Their kids, their rules. Etc.

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