was SIL rude ?

[EvilTendency1]

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

Both were rude.

But..DD is 3.5. She turns into a tantrumy nightmare if she gets over hungry. I might keep her going with a small snack if a meal was being served later than usual. I keep something in my bag for this purpose. If the meal was being served late it is fair to give a small child a snack. Rude to rake through cupboards though.

Wrong to impose rules on other peoples' kids regarding what they can and can't eat. Why do kids have to eat everything before having pudding anyway? Just turns food into a battleground and encourages overeating.

It may just be luck but I do wonder if DD is an unfussy eater because she isn't made to eat anything.

GruffaloStance, that's fair enough, but the meal was being dished up when she was rummaging for crisps!

I sympathise with the hostess as my dh's dns (4 and 2) are frankly spoiled little shits who are not being brought up to have good table manners. At family meals they will run around the table while sil ignores them. She will then spoon feed them while they watch cartoons. Despite this my dh decided it would be a good idea to invite his db and dps for a meal a few months ago. As soon as bil opened the door of the restaurant his 4 year old had a tantrum. When they eventually got to the table he demanded ice cream. Dh said ok after dinner. Bil said 'oh he's already eaten and he's not allowed dessert'. We asked why. Bil said 'because'. Without another word dh called the waiter and ordered ice cream. He turned to bil and said I want some peace and quiet when I'm eating ie he didn't want his dn running round the restaurant. I was gobsmacked but secretly delighted. My dcs weren't too happy he was getting dessert first but I whispered it's the only way to get him to behave at the table.
Imo if your children aren't capable of sitting and behaving at a table (which includes attempting to eat the meal). you should make alternative arrangements. The dh here was a bit harsh but I suspect he wasn't happy at the child's lack of respect by insisting on the crisps.

I wonder if Mary is like a child I know and the SIL like her mum?

I had a stage where money was very tight - certain foods I bought were simply enough for the week - eg DS got a 6 pack of crisps a week which he had for lunch. He wasn't allowed to eat crisps between meals as well - but sometimes didn't eat crisps for lunch at school and had them when he for home. There was always plenty of bread for toast, apples, cucumber, breadsticks crackers etc which could be eaten between meals.
This girl asked one day for crisps when they came round straight after lunch. I said nicely - we have x,y,z of your hungry. She insisted on wanting crisps. I said no because DS had had some and he wasn't allowed more. She started opening cupboards. I shut cupboard firmly and said stop, it's rude to root through cupboards. Her mum at this point was trying to cuddle and be overly kind to the DD as if I was being some kind of denying ogre! She even said she let her DD have more than 1 bag of crisps a day so she could have some.
I reiterated that no -'there was plenty to eat and I only had enough for week. I then said to friend that she was aware thing were tight and please accept how things have to work in my house.
Everytime this girl came round she'd ask for crisps as she was taking shoes off - it became like some sort of battle to her.

About a year later my situation had changed and I could afford to buy more food - Altho obviously DS only had 1 packet a day. On one day they were due to visit after lunch I told DS not to have crisps for lunch and so they could have them together. Typically the first question the girl asked when she came in was " can I have crisps" DS bought the basket with about 25 packets in for her to chose from and she selected a packet and ate 3!

Can you guess what happened then? Yep, she spent all afternoon asking for other food. I knew what would happen if she had more anyway as it always did - she eats 2 mouthfuls and then bins it and wants more again 20 minutes later. This is why when I was really skint I loathed giving her food - because she effectively binned money I didn't have to throw away.

Oh and after the offer of crisps she has never asked for crisps when visiting again

Now - I respect her mum had different parenting styles - praised her kids for eating 3 mouthfuls of dinner and allowed them to eat yogurts, sweets crisps, ice cream etc until bedtime yes my judgey pants were hoiked! but feel at her house that was fine.

But I do think she needed to explain that's not really ok and when visiting people if you ask for chicken nuggets, chips and sweet corn you don't eat 1 mouthful and ask what's for pudding. Then when your told host will look what there is if they are hungry after they've finished dinner, eat 1 nugget and announce your full. Then start the im hungry, I wasn't hungry at dinner I am now, you said I could have pudding if I was hungry aft dinner etc.

Sorry about long post but I feel this is a good example of how children will keep pushing and expect to get things 'their way' in other settings if they aren't taught that differing places have differing rules and expectations.

I think the sil was massively rude rooting through other peoples cupboards and taking stuff without permission, more when told no.

the dh did not handle it well but I suppose he was narked by the rudeness of sil and the child asking for other stuff when she has turned her nose up at the food offered.