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AIBU?

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Original poster

was SIL rude ?

230 replies

EvilTendency1 · 23/12/2014 23:39

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

OP posts:
diddl · 24/12/2014 20:18

I think if Mary was allowed crisps after the "hostess" had said no & that her mum actually rooted in cupboards, Mary can't be blamed for asking for pudding!

TBH I wouldn't expect guests kids to adhere to a "no meal no pudding" rule even if I had it.

Although they wouldn't get pudding until everyone else got it.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/12/2014 20:20

SiL was rude to root through the cupboards.

DH was rude to reprimand another person's child.

If my children had said 'why can't we do that' when Mary got pudding I would have smiled and say 'Because we are raising you to eat right and have good manners'.

CrispyFern · 24/12/2014 20:26

I think the DH was more rude.

He was making a point to his sister (?) by refusing the niece dessert. Petty.

ReindeerBollocks · 24/12/2014 20:50

I had a child who didn't eat a proper meal for about five years (no appetite). However we always said if the child didn't even attempt to eat the dinner then there'd be no pudding.

'Mary' is unfortunately a spoilt brat at the fault of her parents. She should not have been allowed crisps and if still hungry should have attempted dinner before moving straight from crisps to pudding. The DH wasn't wrong. The mother should really put more of an effort into feeding her child correctly - the child is four FFS.

And yes, having taken years of advice from dieticians, I do feel she is merely pandering to the child than this being a food issue. Terrible parenting. I feel sorry for the child.

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 20:56

If my children had said 'why can't we do that' when Mary got pudding I would have smiled and say 'Because we are raising you to eat right and have good manners'

Such a retort is hardly a shining example of good manners.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2014 20:59

What a lovely occasion. Xmas Hmm
Its not really on to forage in someone else's kitchen without their permission but I am slightly suspicious that there was probably quite a wait for lunch.
Either way, helping ti 4yo wait, maybe have a drink, would have been preferable.
But. "im not serving crisps" is not a friendly turn of phrase to be used with a child, so I'm not fully believing the "cheery voice" bit.
And I have no time for the "no dinner-no pudding" rule at a social gathering, especially enforcing that with someone else's child.
I sense that there is just a difference of attitudes. The guests might have been better by not snacking before the meal and the hosts, imho, sound as though they could have been more accommodating.

Spadequeen · 24/12/2014 21:00

Ail totally in the wrong, good for the dh

clairemum22 · 24/12/2014 21:01

The sil was rude, but it was a special Christmas meal, with the only family he has, was it really worth having a family spat over a 4 year old's pudding? Surely life's too short!

sarkymare · 24/12/2014 21:02

I think SIL was being extremely rude.
I don't blame Mary for asking she is a child after all. But her mother certainly shouldn't have came in hunting for snacks after a) friend had already said no. Her house, her snacks and her rules. And b) friend was dishing up little Mary's dinner which when had took the time, effort and money to prepare and cook.

As for the DH, he stated his house rules in his own home. He is perfectly entitled to do that. There's nothing wrong with what he said. If somebody had said 'mini sarky, you didn't eat your dinner. In this house that means you don't get any pudding' I would have to try extremely bloody hard to take offence. It's not like he shouted 'oi you little brat don't you dare touch that gateaux you didn't eat your dinner' I appreciate I don't know the tone in which it was said though.

If i didn't allow my own children pudding unless they finished their dinner, hell would freeze over before I let another child who was a guest in my home, have pudding if their plate was still full. I wouldn't give a fuck how that child's parents parent or wether they can eat what they want at home. Regardless of who you are or how old you are, if you are in my home you abide by my rules.

ApocalypseThen · 24/12/2014 21:05

hell would freeze over before I let another child who was a guest in my home, have pudding if their plate was still full.

That sounds like great fun. Celebrating with RULES.

sarkymare · 24/12/2014 21:16

Can you not have fun unless you have pudding before your dinner then?

jackfrosticle · 24/12/2014 21:18

"Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though !" in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry."

Soooo not what was actually said. "where are some crips?" Who talks like that?? Is this something that happened to you, and you are trying to tell it in a neutral way? i.e. you are the hostess and you're trying but failing to be objective in your recounting of what happened except nobodysayswherearesomecrispssheprobablysaidpleasecanMaryhavesome--crisps"

jackfrosticle · 24/12/2014 21:19

ok, i can;t do strike through Blush

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2014 21:20

your friend was not rude for saying "no"
the SiL was rude for asking after your friend had said "no"
the SiL was rude for going through cupboards
The SiL was rude was rude for feeding her dd crisps just before the main meal.

The DH could have phrased it better but was a little bit rude

The SiL was rude for kicking off.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2014 21:22

jackfrosticle

Do you know how everybody speaks?

It is entirely possible that the SiL speaks like that.

tumbletumble · 24/12/2014 21:24

I don't make my DC finish their main course if they want pudding. I would be cross if another adult imposed this rule on them, because I believe that would be an implied criticism of my parenting skills.

jackfrosticle · 24/12/2014 21:24

'Tis bollocks.

The OP is the hostess, why not just say so? Actually, I know why, cos you get pulled apart just for posting in AIBU most of the time so I guess it makes sense.

But really "where are some crisps?"

Buh-holl-ocks.

OP, how late did you serve lunch, had the DC been waiting around for a while, be honest?

PlantsAndFlowers · 24/12/2014 21:29

sarkymare that actually made me LOL! You sound full of the spirit of Christmas!

OOAOML · 24/12/2014 21:32

Hungry 4 year old - I would probably have offered a breadstick or something before it got to the stage of multiple people raking for crisps. Probably not with an older child.

Going through cupboards for crisps - mega rude and invading space.

The husband refusing the pudding - rude. I can see that he might be trying to let his own children see that Mary's behaviour wasn't to be copied (can imagine many follow up meals with whines of 'but Mary got pudding when she hadn't eaten her dinner').

My son has Asperger's and several food issues so I can imagine him presenting various issues if at a formal meal at someone else's house, but I'd have talked to the hosts beforehand and also to him about acceptable behaviour. Appreciate some 4 year olds may not be receptive to that. If the meal was much later than child normally eats then parents should have anticipated that, and had a banana or something earlier to tide her over.

DixieNormas · 24/12/2014 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jackfrosticle · 24/12/2014 21:34

And then this bit: SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now."

She told you a lot, didn't she - the cheery way the hostess spoke, the way the SIL sniffed. Very vivid. ALMOST like being there.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2014 21:46

Jack

are you the SiL? you seem very angry about this.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2014 21:48

maybe invested in not angry about.

Corygal · 24/12/2014 21:54

SIL rude, poor Mary is a brat already.

DH didn't help.

sarkymare · 24/12/2014 21:58

plants I'm full of Christmas spirit. I just think that in order to be fair, if you have rules in your home it has to be rules for all. Not one rule for one and another for another.

It's nigh on impossible to get to children to understand and stick to the rules if you throw them out of the widow every time you have a visitor.

I would much rather refuse Mary her pudding than spend the next fortnight battling 'but mum why can't I have cake instead of dinner? you let mary' Or ' but Mary didn't have to eat any of her dinner and still got pudding so why do I have to finish all of mine?'