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Original poster

was SIL rude ?

230 replies

EvilTendency1 · 23/12/2014 23:39

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

OP posts:
OriginalGreenGiant · 24/12/2014 09:01

Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding

HE was rude and way overstepped the mark here.

The whole crisp fiasco is neither here nor there. I couldn't sit around a table with everyone eating dessert and watch my 4 year old without, it would choke me. My 4 year old often doesn't/barely eats whole meals and I would be furious with someone telling him he couldn't have dessert.

UncleT · 24/12/2014 09:04

Yeah, they can leave - this instant, with no apology. What's more, they might have been leaving at the 'she'll have the crisps thanks' stage. How utterly ridiculous.

UncleT · 24/12/2014 09:09

The crisp thing is very obviously not 'neither here nor there'. What IS neither here nor there is your son's eating issues, because in this case the child ruined her dinner with crisps - no flipping mystery there, so this has nothing to do with non-existent health or appetite issues.

YouTheCat · 24/12/2014 09:11

The sil was most unreasonable but no one exactly covered themselves in glory.

If she knows her child is fussy/liable to be hungry she should have told the host before and said not to worry about dinner for her child and that she'd snack. Then it'd all have been clear. Everyone would have been happy and all this could have been avoided.

Trunkisareshite · 24/12/2014 09:11

The crisps thing was rude as was the no pudding bollocks.

The husband shouldn't have said what he did but the SIL demanding an apology is ott, SIL should have said 'We don't parent like that so I'm sure you won't mind Mary having some pudding really' or some such thing.

Everyone would have carried in happily and when no longer in each other's company probably have bitched about the others parenting! No harm done.

If dinner was really only 5mins away then surely there would have been a sliver of meat or piece of veg that Mary could have nibbled on to keep her going? I have a four year old (as well as there being others in the family) and find that asking them to to do a 'very important job' eg laying out napkins helps keep them going until we eat.

IMO 'my house my rules' is for things like no ball games inside, jumping on sofas, not dictating what/ how much other peoples kids eat.

Badly handled all round.

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 09:16

"My house my rules" is such a ghastly expression.

It should apply to things which affect every one (no smoking, no hogging the shower ) or the house (no muddy boots on carpets )

Applying it to whether or not a 4 year old gets a bag of crisps or a pudding is petty and mean.

monkeytroubles · 24/12/2014 09:20

Being denied pudding because you didn't eat dinner is a punishment, however you dress it up as "house rules" etc, that's what it is. It is the parents job to enforce consequences on children, no one else's. Leaving aside the obvious risks of witholding food as a punishment, DH overstepped the mark. For those saying "his house, his rules" does that mean that if he usually sends his own child to time out or the naughty step etc for behaving in a certain way he should be allowed to do the same with other peoples children (regardless of whether the parents agree or consent to it) as long as they are in his house? The crisps thing was rude, obviously, but if you invite someone to your home you can't then decide to step in and take over the parenting of their child because you don't agree with their methods.

Nibledbyducks · 24/12/2014 09:31

If this was a thread about packed lunches and someone asked if a packet of crisps and some cake was healthy they would be accused of all sorts! why is it ok in this context?

diddl · 24/12/2014 09:32

Can 4yr olds really not be told to wait a couple of minutes as the food is being served?

TBH, I'm gobsmacked at this "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards"

That's the point that they would have left the house!

The husband sounds awful as well.

they should both be apologising!

Fuckmath · 24/12/2014 09:32

SIL is outrageous

She's clearly the rude one in this scenario

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/12/2014 09:33

Genius. Only here will you find people saying that eating crisps before a cooked meal is 'modelling'. Brilliant!

MN - the gift that keeps on giving.

The host could easily have averted all this by saying 'Here, have a carrot, don't tell anyone, they will all want one. Take this and go sit at the table ready for your dinner [and hand her a cooled carrot stick].

PhaedraIsMyName · 24/12/2014 09:34

The analogy with packed lunch is false. This is a one -off family party.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/12/2014 09:38

I cannot abide interfering little fuckwits who try to parent other people's children (unless the children are in danger/pissing people off).

The SIL was rude to go rooting through the cupboards but I'm pretty sure it's her child and thus she can decide what Mary can eat.

It would have been better for SIL to ask "may I please have some crisps for Mary", but very rude IMO of your friend to refuse when the parent of the child is there.

The DH was shockingly rude.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/12/2014 09:45

For the people who think "my house my rules" would you be saying the same if the DH had said "no Mary you can't have dessert, in this house we dance round the table chanting eminem before we get dessert".

MokunMokun · 24/12/2014 09:53

It's a one off dinner. Kids might be tired from traveling, over-excited to be somewhere different and around different people. I think it's fine to relax the rules under the circumstances.

The hosts were very rude!

Inkspellme · 24/12/2014 09:59

Both were rude. SIL by ignoring the hosts requests not to help herself to crisps and the DH by correcting someone else's child and imposing his child rearing rules.

If this was me being host once the crisps were given I would have left it at that. I would not have said anything about not eating your dinner so not getting pudding to a child who I wasn't responsible for. Their child - their decision.

No doubt I do things with my children that my relatives don't agree with but they don't say anything as it is not their decision. works both ways and makes for peaceful family events

mrsallergy · 24/12/2014 10:03

The SIL was unreasonable. I think I'd have said to her "Do you mind if you don't give Mary crisps as that means the other kids will want them too and then they won't eat their dinner, and it isn't fair to have one rule for Mary and another rule for the others".

Or offered up some sprouts if Mary was really so hungry (I always do this with mine and they miraculously find themselves suddenly able to wait for dinner).

Nomama · 24/12/2014 10:36

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Everyone was rude... Mary will grow up spoiled and probably fat/spotty/grumpy... SIL will be posting her pov shortly... [holds breath and waits]

angelos02 · 24/12/2014 11:18

I am Shock at people saying the DH was rude. He was bloody restrained if you ask me. If I'd cooked a meal for a family, their child didn't eat it then no way would they be allowed pud. Nay fucking wonder some kids have such appalling table manners in this country.

fluffling · 24/12/2014 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/12/2014 12:27

angelos I'm Shock that you think you have the right to tell someone else's four year old (in their presence) what they can and can't eat. Surely that's up to the parents?

KatieKaye · 24/12/2014 12:32

The parents had already overruled the veto on taking crisps (which were not theirs to offer) right before the meal and were allowing the child to behave badly at the table. They were not attempting to parent so DH was quite right to finally speak up.

Birdsgottafly · 24/12/2014 12:33

""If this was a thread about packed lunches and someone asked if a packet of crisps and some cake was healthy they would be accused of all sorts! why is it ok in this context?""

It's a Christmas family meet up.

Like most people eat chocolate for breakfast Christmas Day, or let their children have a sip of alcohol.

Likewise if both parents aren't working bedtimes get a bit lax, you know the whole "special occassion" thing.

The BIL needs to remind himself that they are supposed to be making family memories.

It gives the SIL a nice get out, come next year though.

SamCroClaus · 24/12/2014 12:40

the SIL was bu and very rude.
the dh was quite right to not allow the spoilt behaviour in his house

CaptainTripps · 24/12/2014 12:50

Can't believe the number of 'precious parents' on here who are defending their LOs in their quest for junky snacks right before dinner. I may have offered an apple to avoid aggro. But I sigh at the indulgence of parents. Bloody get them to wait unless you want to raise demanding brats. And my house my rules would apply here.

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