Christmas party storm out

[weelittlething]

We were having a Christmas party at ours for a group of close friends who we've known for ages. They were all staying over. Towards the end of the night some of us got in our PJs and we were chatting over a nightcap. We started poking fun at one of our best friends (this isn't unusual for said friend) and everyone was laughing and joking. All of a sudden friend stands up, really angry, and says "I'm going for a walk." We apologise for any offence but friend doesn't listen. Friend then stomps upstairs (very noisily), nearly waking up our sleeping baby on the way, grabs coat and walks out of the house.

This is past midnight in a dodgy area. DH runs after friend but friend is already out of sight.

So we sit around for an hour wondering what set friend off. We call friend's phone but it's turned off. It's late and we need to go to bed as baby is an early riser but we can't till friend gets back. Friend finally returns when DH goes out in PJs for second time, storms upstairs and doesn't want to speak about it to anyone.

Is it just me who would get really pissed off at this? I just thought it was, at best, immature (though I guess poking fun at a mate isn't particularly grown up) and overdramatic, and at best rude and inconsiderate towards one's hosts.

It's a bloody joke, for god's sake!

I'm one of these people who can't laugh when people take the piss out of me, even when it's obviously a joke. I get embarrassed which quickly turns to anger so I'm with your friend. People always turn it around with, "calm down, it's just a joke!" to make the other person look like a dick when it's really them.

"I am sorry you got upset, but..." Isn't an apology

I agree with you somethingfunny, My dh does this, sticks a "but" on the end of his sorry, will then try to justify his actions.

I always point out that by trying to justify it he still doesn't think he is in the wrong and is only apologising for the sake of smoothing things over!!

Hope the conversation goes well, OP. Good for you - you've taken some pretty blunt talk here but your response is admirable. I'm sure the situation will be resolved.

Wee don't take it all on yourself, the whole group shares responsibility for this.
Talk to your friend and listen to him. Hopefully he's willing to listen to you and open up if necessary.
Good luck

How do people get into the habit of picking on each other for fun? Can't you talk about the books you've read recently instead?

Cross posted earlier.

Perhaps you are begrudgingly accepting you all behaved appallingly.

If the friendship is to have any chance of recovery you really need to acknowledge it all to your friend.

You victimised him and ripped into him. Admit to him (with no caveats or justifications) how wrong you were. Do not try t minimise his distress in any way. In short, eat dirt.

Possibly he may not want to speak with you for some time and that will be your own foolish fault.

In future, just grow up and learn some empathy for others.

One if Mumsnets finest threads. Your (all the group's) behaviour was wrong. Discussing it with the group thinking group would have been pointless but here people are giving very balanced views. Well done OP for taking them on board and I hope your friend is ok with you all when you apologise and the dust settles.

I'm glad you're going to apologise.
It takes guts to come back on here and admit you're seeing things differently so I hope not only you but your whole friendship circle will reassess their dynamic. Good luck.

I just thought it was unfair that everyone gets made fun of in the group and one of us just suddenly gets upset without any warning

Why does everyone make fun of everybody? . Does anybody else find it odd that a group of adults seemingly get together on a regular basis and tease (and in the friends case, hurt) each other, or are me and my friends missing out on a very enjoyable thing that most people do??

Anyhow, op I am glad you have seen sense and realise you were being hurtful. Good luck with making amends with your friend

One of the tests of real friendship is if it is fixable after an upset.
I hope this is, and your attitude is a good indicator that you might all still be friends next year, and more comfortable with each other.

No his gender makes no difference, you were all still bullies and given your attempts to justify yourselves this has probably happened before with him being the 'joke' and you don't want to accept your own bad behavior.

The mmobile site finally loaded more messages, im glad you know yabu and will fix it. But will the others who also need to?

Tbh given the extra info I don't think he handled the situation very well, so imo ya both being u. You don't sound too bad, just a joke that went to far, hope you guys make up.

I think it's quite obvious that something 'stung' this time. Do you know what exactly has upset your friend, OP? Agree with previous posters that you're loading the information in your 'favour'; tell it warts and all if you actually want genuine views and pointers/help.

I know exactly what you mean about 'roles' in friendship groups - and families - but sometimes, it's easy to be insensitive or not pick up cues from the person being 'targeted'. It's easy and a cop-out to say that "We all get ribbed for different things"... but sometimes it's a small thing, possibly said many times before, that can really hurt.

You and your friendship group need to find a different way of operating because this way doesn't work.

What did you say to the friend? I think you need to clarify this.

I once had a similar thing happen to me. A group of us were sat around chatting, ribbing each other, nothing out of the ordinary. I made a comment to a friend about being single, which I though nothing of, but she got very upset and stormed out the room.
It was horribly awkward and a friend (not in the conversation) said whilst she knew I meant the comment as a joke, she could understand why it was taken so badly. I felt mortified and went to find the friend I offended.

I apologised and told said friend now I obviously didn't mean to hurt her feelings or upset her in any way. I didn't realise until she told me then that she was very self concious of being single when many of our group weren't, and a man she had been chatting to that she liked had told her he wasn't interested the day before.

Obviously had I known any of that I would've kept quiet. So I think it's really important that you talk to your friend to find out if there is an underlying cause, or a particular thing you say that upsets him. Also its just good to clear the air- I didn't want my friend to think I was being nasty and rude and wanted to make sure our friendship wasn't damaged by it. We had a long chat about the situation and everything was fine afterwards (although I still feel terrible when I think back to that comment that night, not my finest moment)

Good for you OP in really thinking about the views here.

Just a word from my own experience (being in the position of your friend rather than the bullies/teasers). He may be feeling foolish at allowing friends to get under his skin. He may also still be feeling angry or upset. He may also be feeling quite confused.

So be aware he may not want to be all friendly again straight away. Something has obviously shifted for him, and it'll take time for him to work it out in his own mind.

I hope you & your friends will take this on board, respect his feelings this time, and while leaving the doors open to close friendship again let him resolve his feelings in his own time.

I hope you love him enough as a friend to leave a way open for him to return from his "storming out" (Metaphorically speaking).

But the important thing is to respect his feelings, not refer back to this incident as trivial or him "over"reacting. Whatever you & your friends may feel about it, he obviously felt differently & it wasn't trivial for him. You all need to respect that.

hope your poor "freind" is ok and finds some nicer ones.

The problem with jokes O,P is that not everyone is up for jokes or can take them. Some people are very sensitive and if you touch on a sore point it can really upset someone.

Fair play OP on listening to everyone's opinion and realising that an apology is in order.

I find endless teasing boring and I think it often causes more upset than people think. The occasional joke is ok but only if it's done carefully. It's horrible pretending to find something funny just in case people think you are a misery guts.

I find it childish.

Good luck , OP.
And wishing you a happy Christmas and great new year.
T
Being able to be flexible is a great, great attribute.

You're right - teasing is silly but it's always been the way we've operated (we've known each other since we were kids) so it's what we've always done. I guess it's time to reevaluate that.

As to what we said, honestly it was the silliest, most innocuous thing, in the veins of "would you ever sleep with celebrity?", "no", "even if she was single and really liked you?", "no", "you serious? even if it was her dying wish?", "no", "but why?", "I don't know I just wouldn't", "not if she was a really good person and you got to know her and really liked her?", "no", "what if it would bring about world peace?", storms off.

I can see why it would be annoying, but didn't think it would be a sore enough point to walk off without showing that he was getting angry. It was the inanity of the conversation that initially made me think he was overreacting, but like I said, I now understand that that doesn't matter. The point is that we upset him and we shouldn't have.

I have apologised and we have made up, btw. He said he felt a bit embarrassed that he walked off and that he shouldn't have which was why he didn't want to talk about it, but is grateful that I've cared enough to apologise, so thank you all for helping me. I'm sure it made us both feel a lot better overall and I definitely feel like you've helped me do the right thing.

My opinion is probably in the minority, but I think that the conversation was utterly innocent and I think you're friend was indeed being prickly and immature. There are many ways to end a conversation, even one like that. Storming off and making people worry intentionally is utterly ridiculous.

Excellent outcome! very pleased you've apologised and sorted things out, wee

How is your current version of the conversation "poking fun" at him?