Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Christmas party storm out

181 replies

weelittlething · 23/12/2014 07:35

We were having a Christmas party at ours for a group of close friends who we've known for ages. They were all staying over. Towards the end of the night some of us got in our PJs and we were chatting over a nightcap. We started poking fun at one of our best friends (this isn't unusual for said friend) and everyone was laughing and joking. All of a sudden friend stands up, really angry, and says "I'm going for a walk." We apologise for any offence but friend doesn't listen. Friend then stomps upstairs (very noisily), nearly waking up our sleeping baby on the way, grabs coat and walks out of the house.

This is past midnight in a dodgy area. DH runs after friend but friend is already out of sight.

So we sit around for an hour wondering what set friend off. We call friend's phone but it's turned off. It's late and we need to go to bed as baby is an early riser but we can't till friend gets back. Friend finally returns when DH goes out in PJs for second time, storms upstairs and doesn't want to speak about it to anyone.

Is it just me who would get really pissed off at this? I just thought it was, at best, immature (though I guess poking fun at a mate isn't particularly grown up) and overdramatic, and at best rude and inconsiderate towards one's hosts.

It's a bloody joke, for god's sake!

OP posts:

Topseyt · 23/12/2014 09:25

Reverse or not, it simply wasn't funny.

I surmise that the "joke" was about something pretty personal, and the OP says this is a regular thing with regard to this friend.

It is s bullying. Most of them were almost certainly drunk as well, so drunken bullying (even worse). I probably wouldn't have gone back at all in the poor friend's shoes.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2014 09:25

I am glad you accept that op, hope you make it up and now you know to think before you all open your mouths.

WeirdCatLady · 23/12/2014 09:25

So random strangers on the internet can make you see that you were unreasonable, but a friend so close they are more like a sibling being made to feel so bad and so upset that they had to walk away DOESNT make you question your actions?

I give up.

HolyTerror · 23/12/2014 09:26

As a group you sound unspeakably unpleasant. Perhaps your 'friend' has realised there are better ways to celebrate Christmas than being harangued by a group of immature, insensitive juveniles in their pyjamas.

Idontseeanysontarans · 23/12/2014 09:27

Let him talk. I think you need to listen to what he says very carefully and take notice. As I said I've been in your friends position - right down to being almost like siblings and it can be made right IF you listen.

Goldmandra · 23/12/2014 09:27

We started poking fun at one of our best friends (this isn't unusual for said friend)

I just thought it was unfair that everyone gets made fun of in the group and one of us just suddenly gets upset without any warning.

Either this friend is usually the butt of the jokes or he isn't.

Which is it?

Welshwabbit · 23/12/2014 09:28

OP, to be fair to everyone who has responded, the information you are now giving is different from that in your first post. There you gave the clear impression that it is normal for the group to "jokingly" pick on one member. Now you are suggesting that everyone picks on everyone else and that no - one is singled out. These are two different scenarios. Although to be honest, it can often be the case that a group perceives the "banter" to be evenly directed, but in fact one person gets a lot more of it than others, and is then seen as a killjoy when they finally get pissed off. I'm not going to say you're a horrible person - I have been part of a group that has got into this habit without realising it. But the right thing to do in these circumstances is to apologise and mean it - your friend may have overreacted for whatever reason, but you and your other friends caused him to do so.

thecatfromjapan · 23/12/2014 09:29

This thread has me wondering why anyone would pose this question on the internet.
What do you want, OP, validation? Insight? Absolution?
We weren't there and ultimately , we don't matter. So what is it you want?

Original poster

weelittlething · 23/12/2014 09:29

Thanks Vital that makes a lot of sense. I've always thought that our group was pretty equal in terms of who got made fun of for what etc (e.g. I'm the over-anxious, neurotic one in the group) but it's become pretty obvious I was wrong if more than a hundred people feel that way.

I know people seem to want to see a lack of acceptance of wrongdoing on AIBU but honestly, I do. I think I was wrong, and I'm going to tell him that right now and apologise, and see what we can do to help the situation, and try not to single him out for anything in the future.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 23/12/2014 09:30

The teasing may have been okay in the past, but people grow and change and now this person is saying that it isn't. He is absolutely allowed to do that and you should respect that. I'm guessing you are a group that has known each other since you were young? Friendship dynamics change and adults won't put up with stuff teenagers will.

It's time to stop the teasing. Apologise to your ruined and start a new, adult dynamic among your friendship group.

ShebaQueen · 23/12/2014 09:31

This kind of thing makes me so angry. My son is being bullied at school, it's low level constant picking away at him, he's the butt of every joke and when he protests he's just told it's "banter" - which seems to be some sort of excuse for being mean to people.

Your friend had obviously had enough and so he removed himself from the situation. So yes YA definitely BU.

Welshwabbit · 23/12/2014 09:32

OP, now seen your updates. That sounds like a really sensible way forward. Good luck and merry Christmas.

Original poster

weelittlething · 23/12/2014 09:33

I just said that it wasn't unusual for him to be poked fun at, I didn't say it was unusual for us to be poked fun at too. We all get teased in one way or another, to be honest. He's not the only one that gets made fun of, it's just not unusual that we make fun of each other. I do realise now that it doesn't really matter whether it was "fair" or not, just that he was hurt by it.

OP posts:

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 23/12/2014 09:36

How old are you, OP?

I hope you've apologised to your friend. And yes, stop twisting it round to make it look like you're the victim.

Ohmygrood · 23/12/2014 09:37

Have any of you spoken to him since the party OP?

BitOutOfPractice · 23/12/2014 09:38

Yes op I agree. Whether you believe he was reasonable to be upset or not doesn't matter. Because the fact is that he WAS upset. And I'm sure that you will want to apologise for upsetting a friend whether it was intended or not

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 23/12/2014 09:40

Never mind, I've just seen that you realise now it was wrong. Tbf your OP did imply that he was the only one who got made fun of regularly.

SomethingFunny · 23/12/2014 09:40

I am glad that this post has made you see that you were wrong. It is you who is being unreasonable and behaving wrongly, not your friend who was upset.

He probably didn't accept your earlier apology because you didn't mean it- you didn't realise you were in the wrong at that point so you weren't sincere. Really really look at yourself now- are you really sorry that your friend was upset to the point of storming out or do you still think it was him being overly sensitive.

Hopefully, you are genuinely sorry now and can see you are in the wrong, in which case you need to appologise and beg forgiveness and try and make it up and not do anything like that again.

If you still think your friend is in the wrong when you really think about it, then maybe don't appologise as it won't be sincere. Talk to him.

There is no point in apologising if you don't actually mean it "I am sorry you got upset, but..." Isn't an apology.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 23/12/2014 09:41

Glad to see you are going to try to make amends. A friend who is so close that he is practically a sibling is not worth risking losing.

Original poster

weelittlething · 23/12/2014 09:42

I agree that I felt a bit like it was out of the blue and felt a bit maligned at the time but I can see now that I was being a bit of a cow. Honestly feel really bad now and yes, I'm asking a bunch of strangers on the internet because I admit our friend group can be a bit set in our ways and speaking amongst each other about the situation wouldn't be helpful, and would feel like we were badmouthing him. I felt like I needed to step outside the situation to gain clarity, and clearly this helped. So, thank you. If I was looking for validation at the start, I'm certainly not now.

OP posts:

TheCowThatLaughs · 23/12/2014 09:44

It's also possible that there's something else going on in his life that has upset him that the group doesn't know about. You all need to be good kind friends to him

UptheChimney · 23/12/2014 09:44

Just reading the OP, I feel really sorry for your friend. You say that you often rib this friend. Maybe they've disliked/been hurt by this for some time, and this was the proverbial straw that broke etc etc.

Having been bullied myself for most of my primary school years, it still haunts me, and I find that I respond very badly to being teased. And even more to the weaselly justification "It was just a joke!" or "Can't you take a joke?"

Those are a bully's words, not the words of a friend.

You & your friends are the ones who need to apologise. And no "But we were joking ..."

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 23/12/2014 09:45

That's very true Cow.

Original poster

weelittlething · 23/12/2014 09:45

TheCow yes that's perfectly possible. I feel awful that I didn't even consider that at first and just went automatically on the defensive. I'm such a twat sometimes. :(

OP posts:

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 23/12/2014 09:48

OK, so talk to him, apologise, sincerely and tell him it won't happen again. Do NOT ask him if there is anything else going on in his life just now, unless he mentions something, as it could be seen as you looking for a reason for him being suddenly more sensitive than you're used to. There might be another reason, but there might not be, and you need to apologise on the grounds that there is NOT anything else and you all just went too far.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8