Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

I am intrigued by this 'invite then pay' rule. So if you arrange a night out with friends for some random occasion then you'd pay as you 'invited' people?

Sending the text now is better than eating the meal and then finding they don't pay, I think.

I'm tempted to let the bill arrive, and sit patiently to see if we can shame everyone into coughing up

Well, I'll start the pool. I have a fiver on OP lasting 15 seconds. Anyone else want to bet?

Send a text, call them, now.

How can you enjoy the meal not knowing? I would choke on my food if I thought there was a possibility of me having to sub a load of freeloaders.
I'd rather cancel now and lose the deposit.

If you invited, you get to pay - that's the form. But nowadays people often do go Dutch provided you point this out in advance and don't sulk if they balk at paying what will be a huge bill each.

You must warn them that you want them to pay for themselves. Otherwise it's really rude.

............ Cowering behind the book case .............

Unless you used the word 'my treat' this would be a huge assumption for them to make..

Really - I just don't think it is rude to expect people to pay for their meal - I think the 'he who invites pays' is very outdated.

And I say that as someone who routinely grabs the bill to pay if I'm out with family or a friend.

I guess if you eat out very rarely then you may be happy to pay for everyone but if you eat out regularly with groups - well unless you are seriously rich, it would get to be crazily expensive to pay for everyone all the time.

I am intrigued by this 'invite then pay' rule. So if you arrange a night out with friends for some random occasion then you'd pay as you 'invited' people?

No not if you arrange a night out as a group but if I called friends/family and invited them out for a meal then yes.

My in-laws used to be famous for this- invite the family across (long drive) for lunch. Then later suggest lunch will be in the pub and then expect everyone to pay their own share. You invite- you pay. I dont ask the family round for lunch at mine and then ask then for £20 each at the end of the meal.

Yes what shipwrecked said. Unless the organiser specifically says 'this is my treat' then I assume I'm paying and so would everyone I know.

There is a big bloody difference between inviting and organising!

OP should not have to pay and is not being rude. Jaysus!

Cone out from under the bookcase mycat. Have a quick drink of wine and then text them. Please for you and your family. Mnetters are all behind you holding your hand.

If they say, "we thought you were paying," you look incredulous and say "why on earth would you think we would do that?"

Sending the menu round only showed them what food choices were available. The prices were incidental. Unless you are happy to cough up £400 for a bunch of tightwads, then you MUST clear this up in advance. There are plenty of suggestions on here as to how to phrase it, and you have the bonus of being able to text it, saving the awkward conversation. Go on, do it now.

Do not send the bit in quites text, about we'll sort it at the end as that to me implies that you'll be paying! But do say the restaurant has asked you to confirm and remind them that it's £65. If they come back and say they thought you were paying just simply say no, needs no further explanation.

Ever ever heard of the invite then pay rule.

When you invite people out for a meal you have to be clear about who is paying if there is likely to be any kind of misunderstanding. It is a lot of money if you end up paying.

I understand how embarrassing it can be talking about money, but it doesn't need to be heavy. Just a text, leaving no room for doubt and then it is all out in the open, clear and if anyone says they were expecting you to pay, just send one back saying that if they can't afford it, you will cancel their booking. Then you, DH and DSS can have a lovely meal together.
I would be annoyed on your behalf if you paid for everyone!

I think inviting people to your house for lunch then expecting them to pay for lunch in a restaurant is different though.

But if your in laws said lets all meet for lunch here - then again I'd assume we paid our share. Although my in laws would insist on paying. My mum and I practically had a fight on saturday though in trying to pay for lunch

Why don't you email/ ring them and say 'I just wanted to sort out the arrangements for Boxing Day. DH and I paid everyone's deposit as an extra Christmas treat so that leaves £55 plus drinks to pay each. Why don't you give us it in cash when we arrive plus we all put 20 into a drinks kitty and see where we get to.'

Or you could suggest you all give your £55 + drinks kitty to your dad and he settles up with his card.

You could tell a fib and say there is a problemm with your card and the bank can't send a new one out until after Christmas now.

Just send the bloomin text, or better still, call them.

I don't understand your cowardice here OP - are you always such a cowardy custard?

Text/email them saying, "Looking forward to Boxing Day - just to clarify, as I have already paid £60 that leaves me and DH just £135 to pay and everyone else needs to pay £65 per head.See you there!"

If they say they don't want to go you just cancel and order a takeaway for you, DH and DSS.

And feed back - I have no Christmas drama and am living off everyone elses!

OFFS Cat, woman up and just send the bloody text! People on here have even written it for you! It'll take all of two minutes and then you'll know exactly where you stand. Would you really, really rather spend £400 on your extended family, or have it to spend on your ds? C'mon, honestly.