Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Ring your brother. Have a chat about it, rather than text with the cost.

A treat is - we'd like to take you out to dinner. Otherwise it's splitting the bill.

I'm amazed at the 'you invite you pay' rule, the only exception would be if my or DH's parents invited us for a meal as they normally pay anyway.

You seem to have done everything right and if I'd been invited and sent that menu I would only have agreed if I was prepared to pay for myself (although wouldn't ever have agreed to £65 menu but that's a different thread topic probably!)

So unless you have a history of always inviting and paying (?) then definitely shouldn't be expected to pay. Depending on how you want to do it either text beforehand or just split the bill at the end and announce '£X each then' and plop your share on the table!

In case people have genuinely misunderstood I'd do text beforehand personally to give a chance to opt out.

I really wouldn't mention the deposit. Their share is £65 + drinks + share of tip if you choose to leave one.
Use any one of the dozens of wordings people have posted, and get on with it now.

I know I'm a coward, but a £400 bill does seem preferable to causing a huge family fall-out

Really, it would cause a huge family fallout if you weren't keen to foot a £400 bill??!

Jesus wept, woman, you sound very sweet, but you're gonna have to find some oomph from somewhere.
Give me their numbers, and I'll text them - go on!!

Like others have said if you invited us to dinner out, had not mentioned the cost at the time and did not ask for a desposit, I would assume you were going to foot the bill. Perhaps I would be assuming you would pay around Christmas time, like it was an alternative to going to your home instead. We would always pay if we invited anybody out to dinner, just as we would provide everything if inviting people to our home. That's just my take anyway. I would also be in a difficult situation should we attend and then expect to pay, as I could not afford £65 a head...and how embarrassing would that be.

So, yes as many others have said, just let them know so they are prepared, and all will be well. They are your family, who I assume you get on okay with, else you could not have asked them to dinner...just explain as you have explained to us here.

Oh for goodness sakes, just text them all with 'just checking all is ok - do you want to give me the cash and I'll pay on my card? line.

This 'you invite = you pay' notion is shocking to me. I would never assume this. Do only rich people organise the meals then?

I think inviting people to your house for lunch then expecting them to pay for lunch in a restaurant is different though.

Yes, MrsCampbellBlack, exactly. There seems to be a lot of confusion about what happened in this situation but at no point doin recall the OP saying she invites them to hers and is now doing a bait & switch.

I'm sort of getting over-involved here, but I'm cheering you on, OP, as this needs to be resolved. You're tying yourself in knots.

I know I'm a coward, but a £400 bill does seem preferable to causing a huge family fall-out

If you have £400 to throw away and that is more preferable than upsetting these people, then do that. I think that would be an utterly bonkers thing to do though?! I suspect they are banking on you doing it...

Why would you not make a stand? You can't seriously enjoy being treated like this?

If they dont like the cost say "You ok'd it when I booked it but if you are sure then I will have to cancel. Can you let me have the £10 each non refundable deposit back asap please as I had to pay this when I booked."

It might cause a row but quite frankly it sounds like one is well over due.

Oh and make sure you agree when you get there that everyone pays for their own drinks rather than getting in a rounds situation where only you and DH are paying for the rounds.

If you're happy for people to take you for a mug then say nothing and pay.
I think you need to grow up and send a text checking that everyone is still ok paying £65 each.
Make it very clear, if anyone says they can't afford then cancel, problem solved.
You have let them take the piss previously, you need to act your age from now on.

If you don't sort it beforehand, or just accept paying without mentioning, then it's going to completely cloud the meal - surely you'll be anxious during the meal and anticipating awkwardness? Better to sort it out first.

And if they do say "we thought you and DH were paying, we don't want to spend that much"

What's wrong with being honest and up front at this point?

You phone them up and say "I sent that text because I suddenly worried that you might think we would pick up the bill! Sorry if I didn't make it completely clear at the time of booking that we can't pay for everyone. I thought it was obvious but I can see now that it wasn't. How about a Christmas leftovers meal at our house instead? We feel bad about the confusion, so how about DH and I pay the lost £10 deposit for you."

Give your numbers to Avon op job done.

text them. do NOT OFFER TO PAY THEIR DEPOSITS

Please dont be frightened op. If you need help knowing asking what to text or email mnetters will help or avon will do it. I do think its better from you.

You must sort this out now, otherwise on boxing day we'll see an AIBU thread about how a £65 bill was suddenly sprung on them!

As long as you text now to make it clear, you are completely exonerated of any AIBU wrongdoing - they can decline if they wish.

In general terms, I would not expect the inviter to pay - we've always gone dutch. The only exception would be if you have a couple/family you strictly take in turns to visit/host for lunch (such is middle age...). So if it is 'your turn' to host, and you say 'rather than coming here, let's meet at xx restaurant' then I would expect the inviter to pay (since my assumption would be that rather than going to the effort of hosting, they are throwing money at the problem).

Have you sent it yet? And if you do get replies saying they assumed you were paying, you. Send back, 'no, we paid everyone's deposit for the meal, but you will need to pay the other £55. We can't afford to pay out £400 on one meal, sorry.'

"There is one abiding rule - the person who requests the pleasure, pays for the pleasure. So, as a simple point of etiquette, you should pick up the tab for a lunch, dinner or drinks - whether dating or business lunching - if you have invited the other person."

Debretts. Gavel.

However, it also says that it fine to split the bill for bigger gatherings. Clear as mud

www.debretts.com/british-etiquette/food-drink/restaurant-etiquette/paying-bill

Meetmycat, you cannot stay behind the bookcase until after Boxing Day. Be brave, come out and text them. (Some might help). There have been lots of really good suggestions as to how to phrase it. You do sound lovely, the rellies don't deserve you.

I wouldnt pay the deposits but thats ops decision. Please op text, email now when you think of it.

I would expect the person inviting to pay if it were a date, but OP isn't wooing her family (I don't think).