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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

649 replies

MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 17:32

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

OP posts:
MaraThonbar · 27/12/2014 10:46

Oh, OP. That was foolish. The next time that this situation arises (which, I'm afraid, it will) please remember to direct your frustrations at your DH, not your family.

You agonised over this, firstly whether to say anything at all and then over what to say. You were pleasantly surprised when your family accepted your guidance quite willingly and demonstrated this to you yesterday by making suitably affordable choices. Your DH then undermines you, and sends a confusing message to your family, all in order to be the big man who picks up the tab.

spongebob5 · 27/12/2014 10:52

Have I just read 25 pages to find that your DH paid after all?? Why bother asking for advice in the first place?

comingintomyown · 27/12/2014 10:53

Hmm well I have to agree it does seem a bit foolish having steeled yourself to say they would have to,pay their share to then say oh no don't worry when the bill comes

Mrsstarlord · 27/12/2014 10:58

Is this a joke thread?

DrownedReindeer · 27/12/2014 11:26
TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/12/2014 11:32

all in order to be the bing man who picks up the tab
i agree, it seems a bit like that tbh.

Fullpleatherjacket · 27/12/2014 11:45

Next time spell it out from the beginning. That's if you can persuade anyone to go after the dramatics over this.

Maybe you could compromise by saying you'll cover the first £x of the bill thus giving your dh his chance to grandstand without all the angst over the bank balance. Looks like a winner to me.

madmother1 · 27/12/2014 11:58

What happened in the end???

madmother1 · 27/12/2014 12:01

Oh just realised your DH did pay!

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 12:01
Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2014 12:07

I think Inertia has made a very valid point. I believe that all that's been achieved through this financial farce is that it's obvious OP's husband is jockeying for his position in the wider family. He doesn't feel secure enough to be in it without whipping out his wallet. Should he ever lose his job, he will NEVER be able to attend a family meal out again through his loss of face. That's sad.

OP... This is your 'family money' that he's chucking about and actually, he has no right to do that. I wonder if you are secretly fuming about it because I would be. This WAS an issue for you and he's essentially 'patted you on the head' and made it go away. Only it hasn't gone away, your family will be laughing at you both. You're in no way deemed 'equal' members of the family with valid worth, you're now just the bill payers and perhaps it is 'sport' for your brother and father to toy with you both at the restaurants.

I absolutely believe your tale, the update cements it. It was inevitable really and your husband is the one taking the proverbial mickey. In your position, I would stop going out to eat with your extended family until you two can present a united - and equal - front.

Best wishes to you and thank you for updating; you didn't owe anybody that.

mommy2ash · 27/12/2014 12:19

why do I have the feeling that the problem has never been the family don't pay but the the op and her husband insist on paying and complain afterwards.

I know someone like this and refuse to go anywhere with them

Ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2014 12:28

Nope. No precedent set at all.

Actually, no - a precedent HAS been set, and that is that is to say that you're both quite happy to fork out for them.

NoLongerTheSeasonToBeJolly · 27/12/2014 13:45

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking

I wonder why they don't? Xmas Hmm I'm sure they won't again.

Theorientcalf · 27/12/2014 13:51

Well done OP, you've just set yourself up for paying forever more. Confused. Don't come back next year to moan about it eh?

riveravon23 · 27/12/2014 14:02

What a complete waste of time reading this thread.

Oceanpurple · 27/12/2014 14:14

Ha, FunkyBold, that was exactly my reaction.

And this.... (sighs inwardly)

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?
hehehahahoho · 27/12/2014 14:21

Everyone is ignoring the fact the OP DID follow the advice given by posters earlier in the thread which resulted in the DB OFFERING to pay.

That was a good result. There is no need to be so nasty to the OP because her DH chose to pay on the day.

Some posters seem to enjoy being unpleasant. It's pathetic.

I dont understand why the DH didn't suggest splitting the bill when the DB offered to pay but if it wasn't so much money maybe he simply didn't mind.

YonicSleighdriver · 27/12/2014 14:22

For those of you complaining about time wasting - on a long thread, if you set it to view all posts and customise so OP is highlighted, you can get the gist a lot quicker. I think OP posted no more than ten times so that would've saved a lot of time for you all.

Tattiebogle · 27/12/2014 14:25

I think the husband paid because the family had got the message - dont take advantage.

Oceanpurple · 27/12/2014 14:29

I see your point - hehe and yonic, but 25 pages of the op trying to find ways of not paying for everyone and then... her dh pays (albeit at a reduced price.) Xmas Sad

My hopes were raised when op posted that her dad and brother offered to pay their share... finally, I thought, success at last! It wasn't to be, sadly.

I have invested way too much in this thread. Need to get out more. Clearly.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/12/2014 14:31

What a big fat fucking anti-climax.

bringbacksideburns · 27/12/2014 14:33

Good luck next year then when you have exactly the same dilemma!

diddl · 27/12/2014 14:43

"Good luck next year then when you have exactly the same dilemma!"

And everyone decides not to eat much as if "the price is right" they'll get another freebie!

ChocolateWombat · 27/12/2014 14:43

What transpires from all this for me, is that the OP felt a bit temporarily disgruntled at the prospect of a big bill.

For many of us on here, £65 per head or £400 for the group seemed a lot and so we sympathised and were shocked at the wider family refusing to pay.

So OP sent the email telling people they were expected to pay, but when it came to it, after the joie de vive of a happy family meal, felt happy to pay or let DH pay and show how magnanimous they are as a family. Sounds like a little bit of wanting your cake and eating it to me.

Sounds to me like the £400 was neither here nor there really. They clearly have plenty of money and often spend it eating out. All fine. Having arranged a meal without giving thought to the bill (which again suggests money was not an issue) the OP suddenly felt a bit aggrieved to realise people might be expecting the bill to be paid for by them. I think it was the EXPECTING which annoyed her, rather the actual paying. Once DB was willing to pay, that issue was resolved and OP or DH could happily pay.

Regarding the future, my advice to OP would to be clear if you are simply booking for the group, laying out costs per head and the idea that people will pay for themselves, at the point of the initial conversation/email.
And if next time, you decide you don't want to pay, don't be surprised if everyone somehow expects you to pay .......because you have been the boy who cried wolf! Consistency and a united front are important. Carry on paying if you want to.....it's a nice thing to do. However, having established this as a tradition in your family, you will have to work a bit harder to break that tradition, because this year you have made it more entrenched than if you'd not sent that email.