Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Do they know in advance how expensive the meal is? I wouldn't book anything at that price without confirming with everyone that they were able and happy to cover their share.

Given their form, and the fact that you don't want this hanging over you until the bill arrives, I would just check with them that they know it's £65 a head and that they're ok with that. They don't have to come if they're not and no excuses of it being sprung on them can be had if you mention it in advance.

Yep speak now, or deal with the fall out when you tell the waiter that the checks are all separate.

If they never pay, you have to bring it up. They may not know they need to pay and not budget for it. For all involved it's only fair you speak up as soon as possible.

Just send a breezy note/email saying "Hey, Looking forward to seeing you. The place we're going to is 65 per person, just so you know. See you then!"

Simple. If they can't make it, enjoy your dinner with those that can.

When I booked the meal, I emailed everyone the menu (which included prices). So everyone knew the set menu, plus cost. Everyone said yes, so I booked.

I can't believe anyone would assume that someone else was paying just because they made the arrangements!
Send a text, saying "Just confirming that you are all still happy with arrangements for Boxing Day (X place, X time) and that it is £65 per person. If anyone can't make it / doesn't want to pay that amount straight after Christmas, let me know so that we can cancel your seat and we can re-arrange for another time"

I would never assume the inviters would be paying, but the everyone would pay for themselves / split the bill.

I really am amazed that people would think you would be paying. We often go out in groups with family and someone will have organised/it was their idea but never would I assume they were paying.

askmeanother we frequently make arrangements with friends and other relatives', and no one seems to operate the 'he who initiates the arrangements pays the whole bill' train of thought (thank god') but is that normal etiquette? Not trying to be facetious, just genuinely unsure
No, its just at Christmas or possibly for a special event like a birthday or anniversary.

£65 a head?! That's ridiculous! Was there nowhere cheaper?!

Given that several of the people going are known for not putting their hands in their pockets then I think that you should have said something upfront. Do so now.

When checking the menu, and venue, you should have also told them the price and that they would be expected to pay their way. I know you e mailed the menu with prices, but I don't think they would have cottoned on from this that they would have to pay for themselves.

Just send a text round "Just cnfirming final numbers for Boxing Day, X Venue at Y time, £65pp for three courses"

Having read other pps I would change that to - texting now to remind them of arrangements and check the £65 a head is still okay for everyone.

We have had to be very explicit in the past with BIL who has form for standing back and waiting for us / FIL to pay for him. He might not have liked it, but we hated feeling resentful of the money we'd had to spend on a treat for him! And, when people are that brass-necked, it's actually easy to be blunt

Boxing day is going to be expensive - did you not have to pay a deposit?

£65 per head for a Boxing Day lunch is not OTT in our area!

It doesn't really matter what the norm is in other families.

They have form for assuming you will pick up their tab, therefore there is a big risk that they will assume you are paying. And even if they didn't, £65 is too much to expect them to pay without running it past them first, especially knowing one is out of work. You need to mention the £65 now. And decide what you will do if anyone says it's too much. Will you sub their share, pay their part completely, say 'shame, see you nextmtime' or look for a cheaper venue?

Frogme's suggestion is good.

And i agree with others that you should have mentioned the price when you booked so it is clear that it is not on you. Make a note for the future.

As for your question about the organizers responsibility for the person who lost her job i would say it is not your responsibility. Your father could cover that if she is struggling.
In a group of friends we had all chipped in for the person with no job but in your case and she is not blood family it might make her uncomfortable.

We already paid £10 per person deposit, which obviously will make it £55 per head on the day.

I think you'll have to do it as Lariflete says because if you just say "It's £65 per head", they may just think you wanted to drive the point home how generous you're being.

Tell them straight - in advance - otherwise you're not going to enjoy this event at all.

Did you not ask your family for their deposits?

This is crazy. So if someone says "would you like to come out for a meal?" they have to pay? This is news to me. Usually if someone says "we're going to this restaurant," I would take enough money and assume I am paying. I would never assume I am being paid for unless someone says "my treat" or "dinner's on me, by the way".

OP- a simple message to all those coming will put this right. if the price is too high, it gives them time to bow out.

Prior to booking, as I said earlier, the menu plus prices were emailed to everyone - my expectation was that they would consider both the food and the price before agreeing.

As it was an invite to family for a family do, I might have assumed you were paying, I might have assumes the menu email was to make sure there was something I would eat. As I couldn't afford £65 I would have checked though!