Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

649 replies

MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 17:32

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 18:10

So assuming I send round a text - and get responses like : "we thought you and DH were paying, we don't want to spend that much" etc etc - what then? We'll never get in anywhere else at such short notice, and even if we did it wouldn't make much difference price-wise. I'd feel pretty resentful having to entertain them all at home (not that I've shopped for that eventuality) knowing that dad and brother could easily afford it, but are just too mean to pay?

OP posts:
bbcessex · 22/12/2014 18:11

Eek, OP.. I totally understand your predicament, I've been there ... if your family do always expect this / behave that way, then it's a potential minefield - seems to me that they could easily expect it this time, and if you're not happy to stump up then you won't enjoy the meal one bit.

I'd definitely send a text round today, something like "Hi all, really looking forward to Boxing Day. The restaurant called today to confirm our booking; I've paid the £10 per head deposit, so that just leaves £55 each on the day. Is everyone still okay with that?" you could also add. ""If not, we could have a casual meal at ours - let me know asap"...depending on what you want the outcome to be.

I'd rather stump up £100 to get a buffet and drinks together than pay £400+ at bill time because everyone else seems to have forgotten their wallet...

Tacanya · 22/12/2014 18:11

When the bill comes annonce with great magnaminity that the deposit is on you. Then pay for yourself your h and your son and then go to the bathroom.

simbacatlivesagain · 22/12/2014 18:11

If I was invited I would expect the person inviting to pay. If we were all together and said- lets go to XX then we would pay individually (or in fact DH would pay as he cant stand petty bill splitting)

Summerisle1 · 22/12/2014 18:12

"we thought you and DH were paying, we don't want to spend that much"

Well they've got a choice. They don't have to come to the meal, do they?

PrimalLass · 22/12/2014 18:15

You say 'ok I'll phone and cancel your place.'

MrsKoala · 22/12/2014 18:15

Well i would say don't come then. But if some of the party pull out would the restaurant still expect their plate to be covered? as it's a busy time etc.

YonicSleighdriver · 22/12/2014 18:15

OP, are you sure you can still pull out now of the booking?

Happyringo · 22/12/2014 18:16

Have none of them even asked you if you need money towards a deposit or offered to pay their deposit? That would ring alarm bells for paying I think!

bbcessex · 22/12/2014 18:16

PS - in my experience OP.. tight people never ever change and become generous.. especially those that you are somehow related to.

Keep your family gatherings to the sort that won't give you high blood pressure, and save your lovely restaurants and bill-sharing to your friends who will relax and enjoy the experience with you xxxx

greenfolder · 22/12/2014 18:18

TEXT THEM NOW! and yes i am shouting.

If they do not want to pay- cancel if you can.

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 18:19

I know I'm a coward, but a £400 bill does seem preferable to causing a huge family fall-out :( I'm tempted to let the bill arrive, and sit patiently to see if we can shame everyone into coughing up (rather than letting DH do his usual "hurriedly jumping up and paying").

OP posts:
londonrach · 22/12/2014 18:20

Text them op now. You have loads of suggestions. If you dont its going to ruin xmas for you with you worrying about it! Just do it.

Sprink · 22/12/2014 18:21

Whatever you do, do NOT offer to feed them all at yours just because one doesn't want to pay (that's just one possible scenario).

Good grief woman, you sound lovely but you're over thinking this--pick up the phone or text NOW and get this monkey off your back:

"Hi, just wanted to let you know we're looking forward Boxing Day and we have paid the deposit for everyone so all that's owed is £55 per person."

If anyone says they thought you were paying you say, "Did you? Why?"

If they say they didn't expect to pay ask them why not.

To me this is a no-brainer. At no point did you invite these people as your guests to a Boxing Day meal out. Anyone suggesting otherwise is trying it on or being deliberately obtuse.

Sort it now, OP, sort it now.

Original poster
MeetMyCat · 22/12/2014 18:21

....... making a mental note to go abroad for Christmas next year. ..........

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 22/12/2014 18:21

No, don't. Give them a call "to clarify" that the £10 deposit is an extra present. If you get push back, you can increase this a bit or suggest they settle the drinks bill and the tip - don't pay it all!

Frogme · 22/12/2014 18:21

They ABVU if this would cause a family fall out. Bloody hell. Why do you even want to see them?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/12/2014 18:22

Text them now OP, or you'll worry all through Christmas and the dinner will be incredibly stressful not knowing what will haopen.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/12/2014 18:22

I don't think there is a 'rule' anymore that those who organise pay to be honest. We've been out to several things where the organisers have paid but they've made that clear up front in a 'it is our treat' type way.

A general family of friends gathering - I think the general assumption is you split the bill.

But with the OP's family - well I'd definitely clarify.

OP - if your family back out because of the cost - then could you get a take away at home or something or just arrange to see them another time and take your DSS out as planned?

YonicSleighdriver · 22/12/2014 18:22

Do what sprink days!

Happyringo · 22/12/2014 18:22

Lol that's a risky approach, but I guess it's your family and you're the one living with the consequences. Although if they are liable to cause a huge row by being expected to contribute to their own food costs then they sound pretty grim!

Summerisle1 · 22/12/2014 18:22

I know I'm a coward, but a £400 bill does seem preferable to causing a huge family fall-out

And that is what all these freeloaders are banking on! Don't enable them!

DaisyFlowerChain · 22/12/2014 18:24

If issuing an invite, I'd expect to pay.

Different if a works night out where we agree a venue as it's clear from the start we pay for ourselves.

Reelife · 22/12/2014 18:25

Surely you just text everyone

"Just to confirm that we will be meeting at at . As you all know, we've all chosen the set menu which is £65, plus drinks.

DH and I have paid the initial deposit of £x on our card, so our final contribution to the food bill will be X.

I've checked with the restaurant, and we can settle our own drinks bills, by setting up a tab.

Really looking forward to seeing you all."

Surely something like that would flush out anyone who thought they were on a free ride?

I wouldn't organise an expensive meal with people who had form for dodgy contribution towards the cost though.

lornathewizzard · 22/12/2014 18:25

I hope this isn't normal because I've booked boxing day dinner for 24! In all seriousness I don't know anyone who would assume you were paying because you did the inviting. Someone needs to organise these things. I would send a text along the lines of is everyone bringing cash or should one person pay on card and be reimbursed.