Surely we shouldn't be expected to pay everyone's bill at Xmas meal?

[MeetMyCat]

On Boxing Day, DH and I are going out for a meal with DSS, my Dad, Dad's partner, and my brother. So six of us in total. When this was arranged earlier in the year, I (obviously) invited everyone, checked they were all happy with the venue, timings etc etc. I didn't mention who would pick up the tab, it never entered my head to be honest, and I certainly didn't give anyone the impression it was "our treat."

The background to this, is that no one on the guest list (with the exception of DSS (student) and obviously we'll pay for him) is particularly hard up, but there is history of reluctance to share the bill at social events. My brother is 41, single with no kids, works as an architect, but will never buy anyone a drink. My dad is retired, but very comfortable, enjoys lots of holidays, but tends to assume DH will pay for everything if there's a family gathering. Dad's partner (they don't live together, but have been together for over 10 years) was recently made redundant, so I'm not sure about her current financial situation. But however tight they are, they're my family, so I like to see them at Christmas.

Last night, DH commented "what on earth do we do if no one offers to contribute towards the bill on Boxing Day - do I say anything?" Now whilst we can afford to pay for ourselves and DSS, the thought of picking up the whole tab is rather scary - set menu at £65 per head, plus drinks, for six people. Ok, so we'd still be able to eat (but it would be beans on toast!) and pay the bills in January, but it's a lot of money, not to mention the principle.

As I said earlier, we asked everyone if they wanted to go out for a meal, they all said yes, and we never suggested we'd pay for everyone. But as we made the arrangements, does etiquette dictate we should pay? And as dad's partner has now lost her job, is her share of the bill our responsibility as 'organisers'?

Looking back, I can't remember a single time when anyone wanted to split a bill/buy a drink etc for DH and I, and I wish I'd remembered this when I made the Boxing Day booking.

So do I say something upfront, or do I assume (and hope and pray) that normal social etiquette will prevail, and wait for everyone to contribute when the bill arrives? Surely we shouldn't be expected to foot the whole bill?

Please send a txt/message asking if they are ok with£65 a head.

Please

Did you met the £10 or did everyone contribute! If you paid it then it's not £55 on the day, it is still £65 each fir the others and £60 taken off your bill.

I would mention that you paid a deposit of 10 per head so they would need to pay the remaining 55 plus the 10 deposit. That might be an easier way to approach the subject.

I think as everyone has had a menu with prices on you can assume they think they will be paying but confirm it in a roundabout way with a text that goes something like

Are we all getting our own drinks as some may drink more than others or are the drinks getting put on the tab and just split between us all along with the food when the bill comes

Did the others pay their £10 deposits?

I would never assume anyone is paying for me even if they are organising unless they have made it very clear it's their treat or they have said they are taking me out. Text them now or when the bill comes just be so that £?? each and pay your share.

I would never organise and invite family to a restaurant and expect them to pay for it.

No, I didn't ask the rest of the party to pay their deposits. I simply paid £60 when I made the booking. I don't mind doing that, but not the whole bill!

Have you text them OP?

I would never expect anyone to pay for me if they invited me out for a meal. But I would have expected the invite to have stated it was £65 per head. That isn't a normal amount to expect to pay for a meal out, even at Christmas. Therefore the onus was definitely on you to let everyone know from the outset.

As you've paid the deposit I would send a text round and say "The remainder to pay on the day will be £55 each as we paid the deposit plus drinks you order. Let us know if you can still make it". I wouldn't expect an organiser to pay for me unless they've specified

Meet not everbody would see it that way, some are very thick skinned.

I would never expect someone to pick up my share of a meal like this unless they specifically offered when it was time to pay.

I would text them and just say something like 'just to let you know the meal on Boxing Day is £65 each plus drinks. Does everyone want to pay for drinks separately or we can split the total costs 6 ways and we'll pay for DSS? '

If the price is a problem then they have time to let you know. £65 a head is a lot but it's always expensive over the actual Christmas period.

lariflete no I haven't texted them yet. I find money a really difficult topic. If it were any other group of friends or relatives, I wouldn't be in this predicament. I'm really annoyed at myself to be honest.

If a member of my family had kindly organised everyone together for a xmas meal, I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay just because they were the only one who could be bothered to organise it.

When the bill arrives I'd pay for me DH and DSS's food and drinks and just leave the rest and wait for them to sort it out. Why on earth would anyone assume that OP will pay for it all?

the price was communicated to everyone before I booked, so that won't come as a shock.

I think that the best way forwards is to confirm to everyone that you've paid their deposits which will leave a balance of approximately £X to be split between you all at the end of the meal. You need to do this NOW before people fetch up on Boxing Day, eat drink and make merry and then, when the bill arrives claim they haven't brought wallets, cash, cards or whatever since they'd assumed your invitation meant you'd be footing the bill.

It's a difficult one this because in our family we always had a tradition where MIL took us out on Boxing Day and paid the bill. She was both generous and well off and insisted it was her treat for the hospitality she'd received over Christmas. Since she died we've always split the bill at similar meals but agreed this beforehand. It's just fairer and easier for everyone to know where they stand at the outset.

As MissBattleaxe suggests, the rule is, if you invite someone to be your guest, you pay; if you invite them to join you, you don't. It sounds as if your invitation comes under the 'joining' category, therefore they pay for themselves. But as various people have said, clear it up beforehand, else you will have a miserable meal awaiting the arrival of the bill.

If your initial email said something like 'it's£65 a head, who's in?' Then you have nothing to worry about. If it said something like 'we'd like to invite you out for dinner, please find attached the menu', then I'd say you defo need to send a text pronto!

PS. What I'd also say is that just including the price isn't a clear enough indication of anything if your particular family have form for being reluctant payers.

Ok I missed your later post where you said the menu was sent round.

On that basis, maybe they are all expecting to pay then and this will be a complete non-issue. I still think you would be better to remind them of the price by text, if only so you can relax and enjoy the meal knowing it's clear.

If you have already told them it is a £65 menu then they probably already know they have to pay.

I think i would text with a broader question which made this clear. So:

'Hi all just to confirm the arrangements for BD are x at y o'clock. The set meal is £65 so would you rather all give that to me first or pay when the bill comes? Also shall we all get separate drinks tabs? Or do you want that included in the bill at the end too?'

I always like to be clear about who pays for what before going out for a meal. Otherwise you get the awkward sideways glances when the bill comes. It's a million times better to get the embarrassing bit out the way with beforehand.

I'd email, text or phone them and I'd do it quickly and very, very CLEARLY.
Don't apologose or make excuses.

You could also ask the restaurant to split the bill.

I would never expect anybody to pay for my meal out. However, I think you need to say something in advance of the meal so the guests can make up their own minds as to whether they want to attend.