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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my brother hasn't proposed to his gf yet?

232 replies

amibeingunreas · 22/12/2014 15:03

They have been together for about 5 1/2 years, they both want to get married one day as far as i can know.

We got married at 19 so perhaps i'm a bit bias but do you think 5 1/2 years is too long to just be 'in a relationship'?

they are 23 and 26.

J

OP posts:
ArsenicStew · 23/12/2014 10:31

The vast majority of women would like to be proposed to, I've never heard of someone in real life that has proposed to their husband. Is it prevalant where you live?

How. Bloody. Depressing.

CassieBearRawr · 23/12/2014 10:33

@Rainy that board is terrifying. I feel so sad for those young women. What a bloody life eh.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 23/12/2014 10:35

Out of interest OP how many of your family have been divorced? Does everyone who married as teenagers stay married? I'm interested because most people change and develop so much between their teens and late twenties.

Sadly, most people I know who married under the age of 21 were divorced within 5 years which is far more damaging and upsetting for their families than not rushing into a wedding. Please allow your brother to make his decision in his own time.

educationrocks1 · 23/12/2014 10:42

Is this thread even genuine?

rainyevening · 23/12/2014 10:43

I know @Cassie Sad It makes me wonder what else they could be achieving if all that energy were channelled into something else.

Having said that, I'd say if you genuinely wanted to get married and your DP wasn't budging, that's grounds for unhappiness. But then the thing to do is to talk about it, and, if it comes to it, move on from the relationship if you think you won't get the commitment you want and look for someone who DOES want the same things you do.

It's the powerless, inactive waiting on that forum that's so grim.

spinduchess · 23/12/2014 11:27

I couldn't help myself:

boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-dont-you-propose-to-him-2/

Sad response so far!

RattieBagTheOldHag · 23/12/2014 11:39

educationrocks1 Sad I don't think any threads are genuine anymore. It's Trollsnets not Mumsnet these days.

WineWineWine · 23/12/2014 13:06

I don't think any threads are genuine anymore. It's Trollsnets not Mumsnet these days

These people are real and they're everywhere!!!

SwedishEdith · 23/12/2014 14:32

Just read those responses spud. Do you think there's a male equivalent of weddingbee with blokes angsting about this stuff?

BreakingDad77 · 23/12/2014 14:49

Whats sad is there are probably lots of women on that site that are holding out for something that will never come and they should move on now while in their dating prime.

grumblepuss · 23/12/2014 15:11

I've been with Mr Grumble almost 10 years, we've been engaged for 3 months.

In the ten years lots of our friends have got married and had babies with people they've known significantly less time than me and Mr G have known each other.

If my SIL was worried about our lack of marriage and babies I'd laugh at her for being a knob.

grumblepuss · 23/12/2014 15:15

Oh god that website is depressing.
I wonder what they'd say if I said I think I'm going to wear a high Street dress...

windymila · 23/12/2014 15:15

This is very irritating and i think YABU OP. I am in the same situation as your BIL and his girlfriend. my DP and I have been together for 6 years (through university) and just managed to save enough money to buy a house together which we moved into this year. Conversations with friends and some relatives now keep moving onto marriage / proposals and so many people seem to think that now we have moved in together that I will be waiting for him to produce a big shiny ring and propose. Don't get me wrong, that would be lovely, but not expected at all and if I was that desperate for him to propose I would 100% do it myself!

A friend recently got engaged and told me that her boyfriend just asked her in bed one morning, no ring, no palava. A separate friend thinks that this is awful and that it was meant to be the happiest day of her life (??) and this means she could have got a ring.

This is a personal thing between the couple and noone else should really have any opinions on it.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 23/12/2014 15:21

We only discussed getting married because my OH had a cancer diagnosis and we have a child together. We got married in a registry office with no fuss 5 months later.

I'm in my forties. I never really wanted to get married, to be honest. At least it gave us something other than his illness to focus on. Blush

Mrsfrumble · 23/12/2014 15:28

I daren't visit that forum, because I know I'll get sucked in by the horror and I have loads to do today! (Shouldn't even be on here....)

I'm pretty sure DH and did it "wrong"; no proposal, just a mutual agreement while chatting in bed on a lazy Sunday morning after we'd been together for 5 years. I was positively decrepit at 26!

3 of DH's work colleagues got engaged this year (2 of them to each other). As I say, we're in Bible Belt USA, but they are all in their mid-20s and no one seems to have lost their minds in a froth of wedding mania yet. The chap in each couple did the asking, but as far as I know there was no coercion or tantrums involved. I'm quite looking forward to the weddings next year to see what the cultural differences are.

MrsKoala · 23/12/2014 15:40

grumble - that OP is outrageous. BUT the replies seem quite heart warming insofar as everyone seems to be telling her she's a controlling loon. faith in humanity restored.

notme23 · 23/12/2014 15:51

DH and I were together 8 years before we got married at 25 & 27. We are quite traditional too and didn't want to have children before we were married, but we didn't want kids yet either so didn't feel any need to marry before then, and I still feel we were quite young, we just enjoyed our time together and would rather spend our money on other fun things like holidays Grin

LuluJakey1 · 23/12/2014 17:01

I was even more decrepit at 30! DH proposed on an afternoon in bed on holiday in France. It was pouring outside and the shutters were half-closed closed but not the window. It as really quiet and the room was full of the smell of bougainvillea and honeysuckle. He sort of suggested it and then told me exactly what he meant by being married - incase I didn't know. Hmm

BigPawsBrown · 23/12/2014 17:08

I'm 29 and have been in a relationship for 7, almost 8, years. Meh. We can't afford to get married: plain and simple. That's the only reason. My DP put himself through law school so has a lot of debt from that, I was pretty unwell for a few years and not earning. I've just qualified as a solicitor, he will pay off his loans in a couple of years, so money will get easier then. a) we have massive families who we are close to and b) he wants a big wedding (more than me, to be honest, but that's fine) so we can't afford to have everyone there we want there and we don't want to do it now on the cheap when money will be much easier in a few years. We also haven't bought a house and would like to do that first. I'm not bothered really. We also aren't arsed about having children, so that takes the stressful timescale out of things, for us anyway. HTH with your nosiness and judgment.

HolyTerror · 23/12/2014 17:49

In case anyone hadn't looked on the thread Spin started on the weddingbee website, 76% of the respondents (56 people) have said they would never propose to their bfs, with only 10 women saying they would, and 8 undecided.

What's particularly depressing is that the most frequent reason given for the woman not proposing is that her boyfriend 'wouldn't like it', or it somehow 'wouldn't count' if she did it, because she'd never know if she'd nagged him into it. The old chestnut about women being obsessed with marriage and rings and meringue dresses, while no man actually wants to get married is alive and well.

One unfortunate woman did propose, her bf turned her down, and as she was crying, kept saying 'But it's my job, babe, let me handle it.' Because obviously it being his big, manly job was more important than whether they married or not.

spinduchess · 23/12/2014 17:55

My favourite part was when I got told off for lecturing people Xmas Grin

SeverusEsq · 23/12/2014 17:59

Bloody hell that weddingbee site is so weird.

CassieBearRawr · 23/12/2014 18:17

I can't go on it. I will have to ragequit if I do.

HolyTerror · 23/12/2014 20:02

Yes, Spin. Plus you're 'emasculating'.

I think the construction of masculinity on that thread is almost more depressing than the construction of womanhood as socially programmed, Borg-like, to regard a diamond and a white dress as life's crowning achievement. It seems as if proposing has now taken the place of sex for a certain mindset - apparently you have to make men 'work' to win you, and women proposing makes men 'lazy' and liable not to respect them, as having made it too easy... You proposing to a man is like having sex on the first date, it seems.

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