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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why my brother hasn't proposed to his gf yet?

232 replies

amibeingunreas · 22/12/2014 15:03

They have been together for about 5 1/2 years, they both want to get married one day as far as i can know.

We got married at 19 so perhaps i'm a bit bias but do you think 5 1/2 years is too long to just be 'in a relationship'?

they are 23 and 26.

J

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 22/12/2014 22:04

Everyone in your family being married under 20 Really isn't something you'd boast about in the UK OP. Just FYI.

2rebecca · 22/12/2014 23:08

We just discussed getting married like we discuss other big decisions we make.
I don't see why a man making all the decisions about when to propose what ring to get etc is considered romantic, I find it sexist and controlling.
I wanted to be married before having kids but otherwise think 23 is young to marry, you have a life of kids and domesticity ahead of you why rush it, live a bit first.

bouncingbelle · 23/12/2014 00:26

I would pity someone who married at 19.

YABU, not embarrassing for the gf in the slightest.

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 00:35

23 & 26...give them time. Just because you did it all so young, doesn't mean everyone has to. (and I say that as someone who married at 20)

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 01:10

we married so quickly and she might feel left out. She is 23, not 13. People don't tend to feel 'left out' of getting married.

Every single other couple in our family married under 20, so this is why it is noteworthy. Really? I wonder how you would feel if they divorced because they got married before they were ready, would that be noteworthy too? You know... "oh we don't get divorced in this family, it's embarrassing!"

I think if I was her I would feel sad that her boyfriend's brother proposed whereas hers has not. Perhaps she is a bit more ... you know ... mature? Perhaps she doesn't see people getting married when she isn't as something to me sad about?

So you are projecting then, without having a reason to do so. Or perhaps YOU feel embarrassed that your db is living with his gf & isn't married.

in America weddings are a huge thing, you get proposal videos, showers, parties We know...and there is no need for the whole world to know what is happening in your life to such a huge degree...nothing is small & personal in America. Very OTT & competitive in lots of ways!

The thing is, imo people put more effort into the proposal than the actual marriage. As long as the ring is big enough & the gesture is big, the ceremony even bigger, who cares about the actual marriage.

My dh proposed by sending me flowers with 'marry me' written on the card & hiding my ring (that I choose) under my pillow

I can understand being a bit curious about why it hasn't happened yet if they are a committed couple, talking about marriage/weddings. This really isn't just mere curiosity though, is it?

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 01:12

I would pity someone who married at 19.

Well I married at 20, so not a lot of difference.

It has been 21yrs next year, we have 2 beautiful children & a happy marriage.

Keep your pity.

youareallbonkers · 23/12/2014 04:12

Maybe they don't want to end up divorces as most young people who get married dowww.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/8331027/Couples-who-marry-young-are-most-likely-to-divorce.html

CarryOn90 · 23/12/2014 07:48

they have a house so surely this is next logical step?

No, OP, it isn't. It is not the 1950's. Lots of people choose not to be married. We no longer consider unmarried women to be social misfits.

My parents never married cause they didn't want to!

Are you religious? Also the idea of marrying as a teenager is bizarre to me, I know very very very few boys who are fully emotionally mature at 18/19 and can truly comprehend committing to somebody for life.

PoinsettiaGordino · 23/12/2014 08:10

Please don't have any America-bashing about weddings. I'm sure there are plenty of Americans who have low-key weddings - we just don't hear about them! And in the UK there are people who have very big expensive weddings and elaborate proposals.

Rosa · 23/12/2014 08:16

Let them do what they want when they are ready. You got married at 19 that was right for you.
Dh and I were together for 7 years we wanted children ( we decided it was easier from a legal point of view OUR decision) and he said well I think we should get married .. No proposal no engagement ring. I organised 2 weddings in 3 months. Everybody is different just be happy for them and leave them be.

loveareadingthanks · 23/12/2014 08:51

I actually feel embarrassed about the fact that I got married at 19 (now divorced). People's faces when they find out - shock. It's not normal in the UK and most people take a dim view of it, thinking it's wiser to wait until you are more mature. Young marriages can work, and last a lifetime, but it's less likely than when you are a bit older.

rainyevening · 23/12/2014 09:25

I've just looked at one of the websites OP mentioned - weddingbee - and it features an insane culture of people 'waiting' for their proposal. So this must be part of the backdrop, if she is from the States.

It's grim. All about what 'timeline' you can expect and featuring stories of these powerless women painting their nails while waiting for the ring and the big question.

boards.weddingbee.com/board/waiting/

Thurlow · 23/12/2014 09:44

Jesus, rainy Shock

Its like discovering a parallel universe I had no idea existed...

rainyevening · 23/12/2014 09:46

I know Confused And it creates a culture where they feed off each other. Maybe some if them wouldn't be so bothered if they hadn't come across all these other people hyping it up into a massive problem

HolyTerror · 23/12/2014 09:52

Jesus, that forum is tragic. The threads are called things like 'Patiently Waiting', and populated by women in their mid-20s who refer to themselves as 'bees in waiting', talking about giving their boyfriends timelines and ring saving schedules(!), or 'going through lots of different stages, talking calmly, crying, being angry', and about the pressure of facing into Christmas /NY/St Valentine's Day not knowing whether they will Get a Ring On a Their Finger, and how their friends all got married and had babies while they were still Patiently Waiting.

Pixa · 23/12/2014 09:52

Wow. Don't I feel young...

I got married at the age of 24, and I had a grand proposal from my DH. DH is ten years older. We had been together for 3 and a half years, had been talking about starting a family, and were moving into our own house. He proposed the night we moved in. I have never regretted it, I certainly don't wish I had waited and I definitely don't think his proposal was antiquated because we are in 2014.

I think regardless of age, life choices are made when you feel ready...

I don't think I will be making sweeping generalisations about whole populations of people based on age.

Quiero · 23/12/2014 09:53

That forum is the saddest thing I've ever read, and I mean genuinely sad. Those women need to get onto here for a reality check. Imagine the difference in the advice you'd get here for posting that shit Grin

Chippednailvarnish · 23/12/2014 09:53

Welcome to MN OP.

Damnautocorrect · 23/12/2014 09:54

What works for one doesn't another, same as everything in life.
I speak as someone whose 7 years in, unmarried and I don't want to ever be married.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 23/12/2014 09:58

Maybe they don't want to get married, they just pretend they do for the sake of other people.

JingleBellSniffer · 23/12/2014 10:07

take your shneb out. My parents were together 22 years before they got engaged.
each to their own.
By the time me and DP get married, we will probably have been together more than 6 years. To be honest, i'm 19 and he's 21 this year. Far too early, we both still live at home with a crap wage. we've already been together two years.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 23/12/2014 10:12

Tbh with you OP, I think 19 is far too young to get married. I'm 23 and even now I couldn't imagine getting married. I'm just not ready.

Also someone else brought up how they had changed dramatically since they were 19, as had their social circle and even though I was only 19 four years ago I agree with them too. Things have definitely changed for me in big ways since then.

However if you were ready to get married at 19 and you don't regret it, then fair play to you. That doesn't mean that your way is right for everyone.

LuluJakey1 · 23/12/2014 10:18

You do come across as a bit 'smug married' and an odd fish.

It is unusual in UK to be married at 19. I can't see why she would be embarrassed- unless she is embarrassed for you that you were married so young and seem to think that is the norm.

Anyway, you are the odd one, not her. She sounds pretty normal, as does her DP.

Elledouble · 23/12/2014 10:19

I was married at 21, separated at 22 and finally divorced at 25. That's embarrassing.

Now happily shacked up and pregnant and resolutely unmarried. Can't believe the number of people who want to marry us off though, since we announced that we're having a baby. Noses out!

Crinkle77 · 23/12/2014 10:20

Maybe they are happy just the way they are and the girlfriend is embarrassed cos you lot keep harping on about it.

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