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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why my brother hasn't proposed to his gf yet?

232 replies

amibeingunreas · 22/12/2014 15:03

They have been together for about 5 1/2 years, they both want to get married one day as far as i can know.

We got married at 19 so perhaps i'm a bit bias but do you think 5 1/2 years is too long to just be 'in a relationship'?

they are 23 and 26.

OP posts:

member · 22/12/2014 15:58

You don't know that there hasn't been a proposal from one side or another or that they haven't an agreement about getting married in future.

I'm wondering if you're from the Travelling community or something? Most people don't see marriage/a wedding as the pinnacle of (female) achievement these days.

Thurlow · 22/12/2014 16:02

If she is awkward at all, maybe it's because she doesn't believe in getting married either quickly or young, and feels embarrassed around so many people who do?

Seriously though, what's made you think it's an issue for then?

scallopsrgreat · 22/12/2014 16:02

"Every single other couple in our family married under 20, so this is why it is noteworthy."

So why isn't your brother supposed to be embarrassed by this supposed faux pas?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 22/12/2014 16:02

This is one of those threads that makes you think "yup, mn has gone fucking mental"

spinduchess · 22/12/2014 16:02

OP, are you from a religion/culture of young marriages, where women are seen as 'spent' or 'on the shelf' if not married by, say, 25?

It certainly reads that way.

spinduchess · 22/12/2014 16:03

Have to admit member. I was thinking travellers too.

Floggingmolly · 22/12/2014 16:03

You googled it, and lots of people said it was embarrassing...
You can rest assured that if they wanted to get married they would do so without any push from you; and any embarrassment she feels at her unmarried state is purely in your imagination.
Why do you feel you're an object of envy because you were married at 19??? I think you're protesting a little too much, actually. Are you in fact a little envious of them?

There's precious little other reason for your obsession.

SoonToBeMrsB · 22/12/2014 16:04

My aunt and uncle were together 20 years before they got married.

Topaz25 · 22/12/2014 16:06

I'm 26 and got married at 23, TBH I wish I had waited a bit longer. I love DH but we both had some growing up to do and I wish we had been a bit more settled and saved up for the wedding longer. It's a very personal decision, what worked for you might not work for them. It sounds like they are committed to each other if they have a house together.

Topaz25 · 22/12/2014 16:07

Oh and these days she could propose to him or it could be a mutual discussion.

TheChandler · 22/12/2014 16:08

Its probably because they're 23 and 26 OP. Probably different once they're 29 -30, either together or with other people. Whats the rush?

JassyRadlett · 22/12/2014 16:09

My brother (29) and his GF (28) have been together a little longer than my husband and I have. We've been married 4 years and have a 3 year old now.

I don't think they measure their relationship next to ours (or next to my other sibling's relationship), and they sure as hell don't feel embarrassed about the lack of a ring. They own a house, share a cat, but their marital status is kind of their business.

If they were embarrassed, I don't see why it would be more embarrassing for the GF than for my brother. What an odd point of view - that a woman should be shame-faced because she couldn't get a man to put a ring on it?

DaisyFlowerChain · 22/12/2014 16:09

I'd be gutted if DS got married at 19, it's just a year or so of being an adult and far far too early for such a commitment.

Good on them for bucking the family trend and doing it when they want too.

educationrocks1 · 22/12/2014 16:19

OP are you a Mormon? If you are It might explain why it's all embarrassing. OP getting married at 19 really is not ideal. At 23 and 26 your dh and his gf are still relatively young, average age of marriage in the U.K at the moment is 30yrs. If I had a dd I wouldn't want her married at 23yrs.

They both need to learn to be fully independent adults and get some life experience before jumping into a lifetime commitment.

OneSkinnyChip · 22/12/2014 16:22

Are you travellers or religious zealots? Because in the nicest possible way it would be very unusual for everyone in a family to be married by the age of 20. At the risk of offending people I would consider a 20 year old bride to be virtually a child bride. Anyway even at 23 and 26 they are very young so YABU

educationrocks1 · 22/12/2014 16:32

Actually I meant to say "I wouldn't want my DD married at 19yrs".

Branleuse · 22/12/2014 16:34

mind your own business

Mrsfrumble · 22/12/2014 16:36

Wow OP! What a strange point of view you have. Why do you think that your situation is some kind of ideal that your brother's girlfriend aspires to? It's pretty arrogant to assume that everyone wants to be just like you!

The average age for a woman to marry in the UK is actually 28. So I very much doubt she's crippled with embarrassment by the fact she's not hitched at the grand old age of 23.

Beangarda · 22/12/2014 16:42

You sound very odd, OP. Just because your family has a habit of getting married as teenagers, why on earth would a couple who wait until, oh, I don't know actual adulthood feel 'embarrassed'? Perhaps the girlfriend pities you intensely for having been catapulted down the aisle obscenely young? Maybe your family's example is the reason they are not getting married - maybe your marriages don't look like much fun from her pov?

dangly131 · 22/12/2014 16:44

Their decision not to marry just yet is not a personal attack on your decision to marry at a young age. Your decision to marry young is not the 'right way' just the 'right way for you' not everyone else.

Mrsfrumble · 22/12/2014 16:45

You say that everyone in your family was married by 20, but she's not a member of your family, is she? What about her family? Her parents, siblings, grandparents? Maybe they're less obsessed with focussed on getting wed before they are out of their teens.

Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 16:50

Interesting that the embarrassment is attributed to her not him.

Because women just dream of nothing but marriage, whilst men are the ones who get to decide it's going to happen

Not that's an attitude that would be embarrassing!

Perhaps, she's just not bothered about getting married yet, or at all.

I think you were too young personally, I'd be worried if my daughter married at that age!

Original poster

amibeingunreas · 22/12/2014 16:51

I think it's more that my brother hasn't proposed to her, not that they're not actually married. I think if I was her I would feel sad that her boyfriend's brother proposed whereas hers has not. Perhaps I have read all her signals wrong. She often talks about dream wedding/marriage but obviously isn't engaged yet so I felt sad for her, I have never said anything about this to her though. It's not the age, it's the length of relationship, they have a house so surely this is next logical step? Have had house for 3 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingunreas · 22/12/2014 16:51

Embarrassed is attributed to her because he is in control of the situation and could propose at any time. Yes, she could propose but realistically that would never happen.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 22/12/2014 16:52

Why would it realistically never happen?

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