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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 10:34

OK, that's significant IF you need that £800 a month. Do you have enough money with your husband working to sustain your family's needs with the various allowances you get?

Are the proposed changes to the welfare system going to impact your family in any way?

If your husband was to give up his job (bearing in mind that he's unwilling) then how would a typical day pan out in the 'Hedgehog household'? Peaceful co-existence and mutual support or more of what you have at the moment?

It's not straightforward in that your relationship is currently at the point where your husband has said he leaves or you do - you need stability in your co-parenting if your husband is going to leave work to be a carer for your children also.

There's lots to think about and only you and your husband know your real and most pressing circumstances. It's really obvious though that you need help and that needs to be your top priority - accessing it. You can't rely on family for whatever reasons, so you've got to find a way that doesn't involve them. If they get involved later on then that's a bonus but you can't keep focusing on what's NOT possible and what's NOT working for you. You know all that already. You've got to find some help and make it very clear that you badly, badly need it. HCPs are not stupid, they know what it would cost to look after your four children 'in the system' so their pragmatism and your altruism should work in tandem to mutual benefit.

TheReturnoftheSmartArse · 24/12/2014 10:35

Hedgehog, would YOU like to go out to work too? I appreciate that it wouldn't help the childcare issues you currently have and would change your current requirements, but given the opportunity, would that give you some respite and independence?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:38

Hard to think clearly about that question as I'm so tired and mentally drained, if I wasn't though and I think logically about it I probably would enjoy a part time job or even volunteering. All I have at the moment in my life is dcs to care for every minute of every day. To go and do something different would probably help but easier said than done I imagine

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 24/12/2014 10:39

So you can't cope with him being in work, and he couldn't cope with being out of work.

Neither of you being able to cope is more important than the other being able to cope, and there will be other ways that the dcs appointments can be managed. You've already said you have a plan for learning to drive, which is great and should help a lot in the future.

Chaz, again, it still doesn't help to play a blame game, and you seem to be forgetting that we only have one side of the story here. As always, the other story told from the other persons POV could paid a very different picture, but either way, it's not going to make much difference to the situation they are in just now.

TheReturnoftheSmartArse · 24/12/2014 10:44

I'm sure it would indeed be easier said than done, but was just wondering if, if it were possible, it is something you would consider. Your DH insists he has go to out to work. What would he say if you insisted you had to work too?

Did you work pre-DC? Is it something you could get back into?

GaryShitpeas · 24/12/2014 10:44

sorry just read all the updates

still think yanbu

your "d"h sounds an arse but you have both behaved badly. doesn't sound like there is any love there at all really

if this was me i would rather be on my own, you will be fine with the dcs as sounds like he doesn't "help" with them anyway. (hate the word "help" in relation to caring for kids, as its always used in terms of the man "helping" ....IT IS NOT HELPING WHEN ITS YOUR OWN KIDS fgs. sorry, tangent Blush )

ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 10:46

I still don't see how you can be caring for them every minute of every day if three of them are at school.

Nevertheless it's evident that as a family you aren't coping and fault finding isn't helpful. However you seem to resent your husband's decision to return to work.

So how are you going to tackle this together? Are you going to see your GP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 10:47

Gary.. of course it is 'help' when one partner is doing the active care at that time, whichever one it is, the other steps in to assist with something. Doesn't matter which parent it is either.

I'd be reserving my ire for 'babysitting'. A parent is never babysitting their own child(ren).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/12/2014 11:02

WooWoo
I actually agree on the blame game point. It was just DamnBamboo telling Hedgehog that she was abusive repeatedly. I did make it clear that my view was based on her posts and I agree there is two sides to the story.

What is particularly clear is that as a family they are not coping. I suspect that complete exhaustion is not helping anyone think clearly especially as Hedgehog and her DH also have health problems.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:04

On the odd occasion all three are at school and we don't have one or more ill or an appt to go to I still have ds2 to look after who also has care needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:07

The thing is, dh also won't talk to me about it. He's not here yet is texting how sorry he is repeatedly and when I explain that we need to sort out these problems he will not listen and keeps repeating that 'everything is fine'

Its not fine. He's not even here. He is not willing to discuss the problems with me even though I think we should

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 11:07

Take.him.with.you... Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 11:10

Dinnertime... a pleasant "Husband, I want to talk to you after dinner when the children are in bed, I have a plan and I need your help with it".

He eats, doesn't he?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:13

Sorry, I misunderstood, yes I can take ds2 to an appointment at gp as well, I was just replying about how even when three of dcs at school I am still having to care for ds2!

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:14

He doesn't eat much tbh, rarely eats dinner Sad often has a few pieces of toast very late watching tv (another bit of respite he says he needs hence I can never watch what I'd like to to the point he will take controls and change channel ten sit and ignore me).

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 11:16

Ok, but that's not every minute of the day, which is what the other poster was saying, I think. It might feel like it sometimes but hopefully, when the children are at school, you can have a little break yourself at some point?

You need an appointment WITH your husband, take your child if you need to. It would be better if his grandmother could look after him for that appointment instead, you could ask her maybe?

Make the appointment now... there may be a delay in getting one but at least you'll know it's on the horizon.

Apophenia · 24/12/2014 11:16

Why are you still together?

You clearly despise him. He contributes nothing to the family. Your relationship has poisoned both of you to the point of violence. You have admitted you would be better off financially without him.

Leave.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 11:20

Hedgehog... tell him that you are a couple and parents and you need to talk and that he can watch tv afterwards.

The thing is, you're both operating from a 'goodwill deficit', you've both chipped away at each other, for whatever reasons, and now he's reluctant to engage. He doesn't have that choice, he needs to BUT you've also got to make a move to restore a feeling of 'in it together'. Somebody has to make the first move and, perhaps it could be you on this occasion?

Focus on solutions now, not obstacles. In a way, it's a good thing that things are so bad because if you're at rock bottom as a family then you're going to be receptive to help from wherever it's available.

Dipankrispaneven · 24/12/2014 11:33

That excuse of social services that they can't do anything because you don't fall neatly within any one department's criteria is a common one, and is completely unlawful. Your children are "children in need" within the meaning of the Children Act 1989, which means that the local authority has a duty to assess their needs and draw up clear care plans to provide for them. I suggest you write to them immediately making a formal request for core assessments of all four children and carers' assessments for you and dh. In your letter, refer to the Children Act and say that you are aware that they have said previously that they could not do anything because you fall between two departments, but that is irrelevant to their legal duty. Point out that they have a duty to complete the assessments within 42 days and ask them for immediate confirmation that they will proceed with the assessments.

If they still don't do it, see a solicitor specialising in community care. You should be able to get legal aid in the children's names to take legal action if necessary to enforce their rights to proper social care.

Nerf · 24/12/2014 11:43

Why don't you ask the school to open a caf? All the issues in one place.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:44

The excuse from ss was children in need team would only accept children with short term health issues

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 11:46

Caf already been done twice

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 24/12/2014 11:55

There's a lot of good advice on this thread but I do think it's difficult for people without disabilities and DC with SN to really understand what it's like. It's like people saying they could live on £72 a week for example, fine for a week but when it's your whole life week in week out it's very very very hard.

I am in your situation although I am disabled and DH works, it's very difficult. I know you are resentful that your DH works as it leaves you with no assistance or respite but is there a reason why you can't buy in specialist care for a couple of hours per day or a couple of days a week with some of the DLA? My DCs are older and my DH has now returned to work, but tbh from coming through your situation it would have been better for our long term future if he had never stopped.

The other thing is that we could not have got through it unless we were a team and supporting each other. It's very easy to fall into the "who has it worse" game but it's actually pointless and breeds resentment. You're working against each other and it's actually very bad for your DC to be brought up in an atmosphere of resentment and blame. I will be honest and say if you separated and arranged access you would be so much happier IMO. You can then run your time with the DC the way you want it, with professional support and you would each have a break from the grind when the DC are with the other parent.

What are you both gaining from your marriage at the moment?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 24/12/2014 11:57

Hedgehog, he is was presumably home very early from the party. I think he is angry because he went but you ruined the night out. Making him come back from a Xmas party and do the cannula change... That wasn't on. You could have out the children in front of the tv with a foodie treat. You weren't looking for ways to do it yourself, you just wanted him home. Period.

Unacceptable that he used foul language at you though.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 24/12/2014 12:02

OH sorry...moved on since then