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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to go to work Christmas party

367 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 10:28

Dh has his work party and I really, really don't want him to go.

I'm tired and could really do with the help with dcs in the evening,my Dgm passed away yesterday and I'm quite upset and I would really rather he stayed at home.

He seems to really want to go, was talking about getting the train in rather than driving as usual so he can drink. I feel guilty that I will be ruining his 'fun' but I need him at home.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 24/12/2014 09:57

Given he earns the salary youcat, why doesn't he deserve a say in where it goes. If somebody tried to tell me what I can and can't spend on as an adult I'd tell them exactly where they could go.

But of course, it's all his fault as he's male. Never mind that it appears he is being financially, emotionally and physically abused judging by posts from the OP.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 09:59

I did hit him once and that was wrong. Iam controlling due to needing help with dcs bt I will not accept that what I do with his wages is wrong.

The alternative is let him do what? Lend it and spend it and end up losing our home and not being able to feed dcs ?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 10:01

No of course you won't!

I feel desperately sorry for all of you. I hope you find a peaceful resolution to this OP and that your kids are as unscathed as possible by whatever decisions you make.

You know you can't continue together in your current state, not for your health and not for your DHs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 10:04

Hedgehog, what's happening in your family is not sustainable. That's the crux of it. Regardless of who holds the 'moral high ground', your behaviour as a couple is going to be affecting your children and that's not on.

What other help can you access? If I were in your situation, I would go to my first port of call that would be my GP and I'd explain the circumstances. It's completely unacceptable that only you/your husband can care for your daughter's cannula. You're not trained medical professionals so what makes you think that a nurse couldn't be called in to assist? If you had some help there, maybe it would free you BOTH up to do things individually and as a couple/family.

Something is really nagging at me, Hedgehog and I'm sorry that it's going to sound hard but, you sound an intelligent woman, why wouldn't you keep plugging away at the various agencies on a 'rinse and repeat' basis until you get some help?

I also wonder if, keeping the care of your children 'exclusive' to you and your husband, that you retain control of him and his movements to an even greater degree? To allow others in would possibly relax the 'hold' that you want or feel compelled to keep?

The thing is, if you get to the point where either of you cannot stand each other, you will each be doing this alone anyway... that is the future unless you can operate effectively as a couple or, if not that, as a unit of parents.

The money to family is water under the bridge now, no? You have your husband's wages and bank card so you know that's not going to happen again. Don't let previous stuff that's unrepeatable, clutter up your thoughts because you both need to be clear-thinking and work out a plan to access the help that you need for your family. Harping back to it all the time (if either of you do that) is really counter-productive.

MN is a great place for support but if it become a crutch, like the TV, then it's not a good thing. You both need to talk to each other and find a way through that you can agree on, for your children's sake.

Have you and your husband had a sober talk yet? When are you going to do that?

Nicknacky · 24/12/2014 10:05

Am I right in thinking the money was lent prior to your relationship? Apologies if I'm wrong.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:06

Dh always gave his mum money before I knew him and carried it on throughout majority of our relationship over the past 14 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:09

I want somebody else to help us but nobody in either families wants to learn. Dsis did try but is limited in what she can do as has epilepsy so can't care for dcs alone or do cannula changes although I think if she were well she would have,

Dh's mother has admitted she is scared of our dcs so can't look after them. Insulin pumps/cannulas/sensors/injections for diabetes are to be done by the patient or parents so nurse/gp is not in a position to help

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 24/12/2014 10:10

Well, to be honest, up until the point that the money was desperately needed for your own family, it was up to him if he gave them money. And more full him if he got into debt over it!

MidniteScribbler · 24/12/2014 10:10

OP, when you think that everyone around you is a problem, then perhaps you need to look inward to determine where the problem really is.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:10

Dh is not here, he awoke smirky and unapologetic and left the house

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 24/12/2014 10:11

DamnBamboo with respect Hedgehog has been posting here for years. A lot of us remember the things her H has done. He is not a nice a man, imo.

If my DH lent all his wages to his family and left me needing to go to foodbanks, I'd cancel his debit card let alone hide it.

Hedgehog's husband wanted to go on a 10 day holiday after allready having one, so she wanted to hide his passport. So what? Have you any idea what it is like to care for 4 disabled children? I don't, I find it hard enough to care for two NT ones at times! I know all hell would have broken loose in my house had DH have come home and announced he was off on his jollies again if I had not had a break, or we had at least not had a family holiday.

You mention the money they have got coming in. What you don't know is, when there was a lot of debt, Hedgehog's H was using a large portion of that to finance and insure a car. Now, due to a lot of hard work by hedgehog, they have cleared the debt.

It is her DH who is an abusive arsehole. He is financially abusive, because he'd spend the money how he wanted with out a care to anyone else in the family and he is emotionally abusive. Yes, Hedgehog hit him once but she's not the bad one in this.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 10:13

I know Fairy I've read them and have also been posting for years too.
I don't think either one of them is particularly nice to the other, I've said that. This, amongst other things is the route cause of this problem.
But in this instance, laying all the blame on him is unfair. Why is only OP allowed to be stressed by this?

WooWooOwl · 24/12/2014 10:17

It cannot be helpful for other posters to turn this into a competition between the OP and her DH over who is the most abusive.

They both have done wrong, they both have faults, but equally they both deserve some understanding.

If the situation has come to the point that it really cannot continue, then thoughts need to be about how to cope moving forward, not about playing a blame game.

TheFairyCaravan · 24/12/2014 10:18

She's not the only one allowed to be stressed by this. She is trying to keep all the plates in the air and it seems that her H just bimbles along doing his own thing, pleasing himself first. To me that's wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/12/2014 10:19

Hedgehog... Stop this now. Go to your GP and tell them how dire the situation has become. They know that ultimately, should your children 'fail to thrive', all of them will end up in the care system and you are now at your wits end.

It's not as if you need to lay it on thick, is it? Your marriage is not in great shape, you're both at each other's throats and your children pick up on this (and don't think for a minute that they're oblivious). You and your husband BOTH have a responsibility to get this sorted out.

Think for a minute - if you and your husband BOTH went to see your GP and presented a united front to explain just how bad the problem has become it would help - and it would stop you sniping at each other because you'd be working together to resolve this. Before you jump in saying that there's nobody to look after your children, you could pick a time when one or more is at school and your daughter's cannula/sensor isn't requiring an immediate intervention. A GP appointment is 20-30 minutes max., you could do that.

You haven't mentioned your grandmother once in your latter posts. This tells me that these problems are bigger than your grief. You need help, you both do - and you need it now. Could you sit with your husband and make a plan to get some help for your family, both of you working on it? He must feel as desperate as you do.

If you carry on like this, if what you're describing is true and not an embellished rant, then you won't make it as a couple and you'll have a new set of challenges to deal with that you just don't need. Come on now, you're both parents. Find a way to access the help that you need.

ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 10:21

If your husband hadn't returned to work (which you seem to begrudge) what would your financial situation have been?

I agree with LyingWitch that little is to be gained by defining who is the more abusive. Your marriage is in crisis abscess are systematically destroying each other which is bound to impact on your children.
You need professional intervention and I think you should both be talking about how to access it. You need to accept that you cannot cope as a family either together or apart.

DamnBamboo · 24/12/2014 10:23

*It cannot be helpful for other posters to turn this into a competition between the OP and her DH over who is the most abusive.

They both have done wrong, they both have faults, but equally they both deserve some understanding.

If the situation has come to the point that it really cannot continue, then thoughts need to be about how to cope moving forward, not about playing a blame game*

^
This

ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 10:24

Sorry - your marriage is in crisis and you are systematically destroying each other...

You are adults. You need to stop this. Keep at all the agencies until you get what you need.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:24

We were better off by about 800 a month when dh was not working

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 10:26

Yes, and I agree that your first port of call needs to be the GP - together.

ilovesooty · 24/12/2014 10:28

There's something wrong with a system where you were that much better off if he didn't work. I suspect that this is at the root of your resentment. Not only has he returned to employment but worsened your financial situation .

I think it's becoming more and more obvious that your family needs professional intervention.

GaryShitpeas · 24/12/2014 10:29

i think yanbu

And i am sorry to hear about your dgm :( x

WooWooOwl · 24/12/2014 10:29

£800 a month?? Shock

I knew it was bad that people could be financially better of out of work than in, but by as much as £800 is just fucking awful!!

It's not a reason not to work though, parents will always have more responsibility to financially support their children than the state does, and it is better for one of the parents of four children to be in work.

If this is the case though, maybe you would be better off alone and claiming single parent benefits until your children are less dependant.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 24/12/2014 10:31

It made a huge difference, that and having dh to help me every day was amazing, we got to every appointment, if dcs were ill it was more manageable but dh couldn't cope mentally being stuck in a rut every day so begged to return to work

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/12/2014 10:33

DamnBamboo
Hedgehog may not be perfect but her DH is the bigger problem based on her posts. You ranting at an exhausted person that they are abusive clearly isn't intended to be helpful.

This is the same DH who
Went on holiday with his family for 10 days leaving Hedgehog to cope with 4 DC with significant health problems.
IIRC this meant both Hedgehog and DD had to delay surgery because he wasn't around.
He didn't want to look after the 4 DC and was expecting Hedghog to step in after surgery.
Sunk the family into huge debt problems etc.

OK reverse the sex on those scenarios and see if you think most of us would view it differently.