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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation to dh and not me

185 replies

Girl33 · 21/12/2014 11:43

Received separate invites to a friend's wedding in the post. DH is invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast and I am only invited to the evening do. Aibu to think this is really really rude?? DH is shocked and says he's not going without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girl33 · 21/12/2014 18:00

I suppose I don't get it as for our wedding we economised on most things except food and drink so everybody and their cockroach was welcome. We had a lovely low key wedding and I didn't have to leave anybody out or embarrass myself!

OP posts:
LL12 · 21/12/2014 18:01

I think if I was invited and not my husband I would be offended, if he was my boyfriend I don't think I would be offended although not sure why.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/12/2014 18:02

I don't think people should be grateful.

I just think people should be less dramatic.

It's not always possible to invite everyone all the time.to things. And people so determined to take offence all the time. Are exhausting..

There's always the choice not to go.bit there's also always the choice to realise not everything is about how you feel.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 21/12/2014 18:03

Yes, the bride and groom can invite who they want to but they can't dictate how the invitees feel about it or whether or not they accept the invitation. If the b&g are going to send the message that you (or your spouse/partner) is not that important to them then they can't complain if the invitee decides not to make the effort to attend.

buttercupbear · 21/12/2014 18:05

I don't get the problem. Then again we had no plus ones at ours because we only really want our friends there. Would you have rathered that?

I actually think it's quite nice that you're invited at all if it's his friend.

clam · 21/12/2014 18:05

DejaVu has it in a nutshell.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2014 18:06

Sorry heartisaspade my post earlier is invalid as I didn't realise the op was friends with wedding couple.

daisychain01 · 21/12/2014 18:07

Girl33, having read your update, the groom being in business with your DH, means it may not be so easy to tell them to stick the invitation where the sun doesn't shine. They have to carry on working together, so will need to be handled constructively. I'd leave it to your DH, as he has already said he doesn't want to go without you, so best to let him deal with it.

YADNBU to feel disappointed that the bride zilla is so easily able to cut you out of the equation.

I guess their wedding, their choice, but appauling lack of common courtesy, IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 18:08

DH and I are separate people, we do differnt things, but for wedding and social occasions it would be rude not to invite both of us, especially a close friend. It goes hand in hand with giving your bank account on wedding invites, and those ghastly poems. It is disrespectful to us as an established couple, we are not single!

akennyg · 21/12/2014 18:08

We had to do this at our wedding- 4/5 partners of friends of mine were invited to evening only but they were not that long together and didn't have kids, plus all contacted first to explain.

Over a year in and I still feel incredibly guilty, & as though it was the wrong thing to do-one of the few things I regret about the day. We had all married couples along as a matter of course- even the ones where I didn't know the partner that well. It's just manners.

If I were you I would RSVP for the evening for both of you.

Quitelikely · 21/12/2014 18:10

I see your point. If finances are an issue for the couple then I would show more understanding. If they aren't then just don't give any head space to this waste if time wedding!

Hoppinggreen · 21/12/2014 18:13

This happened to us but the circumstances were a bit different so it wasn't offensive and it was discussed with us beforehand.
It was a child free wedding apart from DD who was a Bridesmaid. It was in London so we had to arrange a hotel etc but as we have DS as well it was agreed that me and DD would go to the whole thing but DS's and DH would just come in the evening.
Didn't mind at all but it was very different to this scenario, which is very odd and a bit rude.
I think your DH is doing the right thing

Number11 · 21/12/2014 18:15

Rude? Who decides "rude"? Rude is purely subjective. It's only "rude" because it's bucking tradition but being married yourself doesn't, or at least shouldn't, imbue you with special privilege or change your relationship with the bride and groom.

Some parts of a wedding are more important than others, more intimate, more profound. The ceremony is something to be shared with family and close friends - and others only if you WANT to and CAN do so - and the evening reception is a more relaxed affair for celebration. I can quite see the logic of inviting the close friend to the ceremony and his spouse, who isn't a close friend, to the party afterwards.

It's not as if the OP and her DH are infant twins or incapable of operating independently of each other. Is it?

5madthings · 21/12/2014 18:17

Oh God I hate all this angst over weddings, who knew it was so frought with rules.

I wouldn't be bothered by this unless the wedding was some distance away making travel arrangements awkward.

Dp and I are getting married next year, small registry office wedding then a restaurant for lunch after, no evening due. I have invited some close friends but not their husband's as we don't socialise as 'couples'. Purely a numbers thing, I spoke to them before invites went out and they are fine with it. We have upset one person by not inviting their boyfriend but given the last time we saw him was five years ago and as numbers are limited we only want people close to us/the madthings.

Weddings it seems cause much angst!

clam · 21/12/2014 18:18

Rude can be defined as whether something gives offence. And clearly the OP is offended by it, and countless posters on this thread say that they would be too.
Obviously, the B&G can do what they want, as it is their wedding, but they can't then be surprised if people object to it and vote with their feet.

Jengnr · 21/12/2014 18:18

If you're friends with them it's rude. If you barely know them I don't really see the issue.

I've just been invited to a wedding without my husband. Not even remotely offended. The bride and groom have never met him, why would they invite him?

Number11 · 21/12/2014 18:20

"I dont get this anger at husbands or children or pet hissing cockroaches not being invited"

Giles Grin

OddFodd · 21/12/2014 18:28

Dejavu is right. People seem to have forgotten how to host. I sort of hope rude couples have tumbleweed blowing through their reception. Still, it will be cheaper that way and that seems to be the most important thing so they'll probably be pleased!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 18:29

Number11 it's up to op and her DH to aporoach it how they want to. Tgey are going to the evening bit together which is the best option. Yes it is rude if they are close friends. There is nowt as queer as folk.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/12/2014 18:34

What size is the wedding? I had 20 guests to the daytime of mine, and that meant being quite precise with the invites - no Plus Ones. No other halves unless we were close to both of them.

It really wouldnt bother me if one of DHs friends invited only him. And he wouldnt care if one of my friends only invited me. It would be odd if we were close to the couple and only one was invited, but that doesnt seem to have happened here.

Eminybob · 21/12/2014 18:48

When my best friend got married I was bridesmaid and DP was only invited to the evening do.

It was a plane ride away so DP decided not to go as there wasn't much point in him travelling all the way there just for the evening, especially as I was going for the week to enable me to go to the hen do and help with the wedding prep.

At the time DP was fuming, as was I, but to be fair, friend had never actually met DP and they were on a tight budget so now we actually see her point. They have now met and get on really well and she regrets not inviting him. I guess she thought he was just a flash in the pan.

I did go to a wedding a couple of years ago where a couple of people got really upset and boycotted the wedding because their other halves weren't invited, but they didn't even know the bride and groom!

I'm not sure what my point is, I think I'm on the fence about whether YABU or not Grin

TeddyBee · 21/12/2014 19:13

I've been invited to a wedding without DH - but the bride and groom had quite literally never met him. I did raise an eyebrow, but I know they had a really tight budget and I knew loads of other people there so had fun anyway.

kennyp · 21/12/2014 20:04

i only used to go to weddings by myself as we didn't have childcare but it's damn rude to invite him and you together. i hope you give them a book as a wedding present and write in it so that they can't take it back (my go to present of choice if i'm given a wedding present poem)

having said that - dh has been invited to his mother's birthday lunch. and i'm not invited. (we've been married for 14 years.) Dr Phil can unravel that one. sigh.

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2014 20:23

If people have to travel to this do, I wonder what the couple think the less favoured half will do? Either they travel separately, which will be more expensive if they go by car and more tedious and hassly if they go by train; or they travel together, and the rejected one has to sit in the hotel room or find some other way to amuse herself all day before being permitted to come to the evening do. Highly inconsiderate.

ThePointyAndTheIvy · 21/12/2014 22:06

I think this is rude. It just is. My lovely colleague from work got married 2 years ago, and she invited me to the full wedding - and my DH and my two DDs, whom she had never met. Because she is warm-hearted and generous. it was a wonderful event, the DDs still talk about it and we have met with said colleague several times since. That is how you grow friendships.