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AIBU?

Wedding invitation to dh and not me

185 replies

Girl33 · 21/12/2014 11:43

Received separate invites to a friend's wedding in the post. DH is invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast and I am only invited to the evening do. Aibu to think this is really really rude?? DH is shocked and says he's not going without me.

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clam · 21/12/2014 17:11

Oh fgs, most of us who are established couples/married aren't joined at the hip and do plenty of things separately but for a wedding, having been with dh for over 20 years, I would expect for us both to be invited or neither.

The only exception to this might possibly be for the wedding of a colleague maybe, if one of us didn't know the couple at all. But this is not the case here; the OP and her dh know the bride and groom well as couples. Very odd, and good on your dh for declining his invitation.

"we were not prepared to pay for random people at our wedding." The OP is not a random person, but a friend. Maybe it is because they've discovered that clearly the b&g regard her differently that her dh has decided not to accept his "premium" A list invitation.

Bowlersarm · 21/12/2014 17:11

Not nice for the partnered people who's partners weren't invited arethereamyleftatall

Bollocks to spectacular rudeness.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2014 17:17

The op has not said she is friends with the bride or groom unless I've missed it. She hasn't mentioned whether she's even met them I don't think.

MissBattleaxe · 21/12/2014 17:19

arethereanyleft- yes the OP said that they have both got to know the couple since they got married, so her and her DH have known them for an equal length of time, and were married to each other BEFORE they met the Bride and Groom.

anothernumberone · 21/12/2014 17:20

Really, really rude. I remember my brother had a similar situation except it was a family member of his wife's. All same level family members were invited without spouses. It was the talk of the wedding. They should have done evening invite only

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2014 17:20

It's fine in my circle of friends bowlers. We don't get too stressed about this kind of stuff. (There wasn't any anyway btw, it was an open to all kind of thing).

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:23

This wedding op said was for a friend, not a work collegue. Not much of a friend if op dh is in invited to the whole day and she is not. In op place, I would have just been happy for dh to go, and I would have stay at home.

OddFodd · 21/12/2014 17:24

arethereanyleft - this is the first line of the OP's post:

"Received separate invites to a friend's wedding in the post."

Whatever happened to the plus one? That's what you used to do on the basis that weddings are v coupley occasions and that it was considered polite to give your guests a chance to bring someone with them they actually knew.

Nowadays, the wishes of the B&G to have a massive do they can't afford seems to trump giving their guests an enjoyable day. Like the venue someone mentioned that closed for 3 hours in the middle of the day. Why would you choose somewhere that shut in the middle of your wedding celebration? Surely that's just really horrible for your guests?

fourwoodenchairs · 21/12/2014 17:24

I know that's what the OP said. I was just saying what we decided to do from our prospective.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:26

op said that the groom is his close friend, so obviously knows op. Very rude.

MissBattleaxe · 21/12/2014 17:27

AnneEyht had it perfectly about 3 pages ago.

This is not an issue about couples who are too weak minded to go out separately- that's not it.
The OP is not a stranger to the bride and groom- she and her DH have known them an equal length of time, so that's not it.

The problem is this:

The bride and groom choose the venue regardless of how many guests they wish to have. They THEN shoehorn and dump any stragglers so they can still have the venue/frills they want.

This causes bad feeling for YEARS and friendships and relationships can be damaged by it.

What people should do these days is, as Anne said previously upthread, "we have xxx money and xxx number of guests, so that means x amount a head. Therefore we need to find somewhere we can fit everyone for this price, or barter with the venue"

Bingo- everyone still likes the bride and groom afterwards and nobody noticed it was Cava not Moet.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:27

Not much of a close friend if they are not inviting significant others. If money is tight, have less people. Op dh is so right defending his wife, it is an insult.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 21/12/2014 17:32

Still disagree, I think it would be worse to not invite someone just because there wasn't space for their partner, it's unlikely most people will have their exact guest list worked out down to the last person when they book the venue. I was invited on my own to a wedding a few years ago and it never crossed my mind (or DH's) to be offended. I don't think it's the bride and groom damaging the friendship in these cases, it's the invitee who takes offence so easily.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/12/2014 17:35

But so what. They can have the venue they want and frills thy want..its their day.

It's nor like they've made everyone stand in piles of cow poo and watch through binoculars at the neighbouring farm.

I dont get this anger at husbands or children or pet hissing cockroaches not being invited.

MissFenella · 21/12/2014 17:36

Odd that at a celebration that is all about 'coupledom' they should conspire to make guests feel that their union is less valid than the logistics of the do.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:36

Well will agree to disagree, this is a supposidly close friend, not a work colleague. I am glad that op dh has declined the day invite and will go TOGETHER for the evening.

MissBattleaxe · 21/12/2014 17:41

I dont get this anger at husbands or children or pet hissing cockroaches not being invited

I don't mind child free weddings ( although mine wasn't one) and if it's a work wedding, I think it's OK not to invite spouses, but if you are both friends with a couple it's different.

It's actually offensive to leave one out or give one more status than the other therefore making it obvious your prefer one over the other. I'm amazed people don't think that's rude.

As for my hissing cockroach- well I take him everywhere.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 21/12/2014 17:42

Yes, agree to disagree, but will agree that it is a good thing he has declined, as someone else will be able to go instead now.

MissBattleaxe · 21/12/2014 17:42

it's the bride and groom damaging the friendship in these cases, it's the invitee who takes offence so easily.

That's like saying "If I insult you, it's your fault you're offended, not my fault for insulting you"

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 21/12/2014 17:44

They've invited them to a wedding, that's not an insult, it'e a compliment.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/12/2014 17:46

I think.people spend far to much time trying to determine what's rude and in the process attach all sorts of non existent meanings to things.

it's clear that whatever you do its going to piss someone off so id be inclined to have the wedding I wanted rather than bend over backwards to please everyone whilst they all sit there and still pick things apart to make it all about them.

Failingmum · 21/12/2014 17:46

Incredibly rude! My partner's step sister got married a few years ago and only invited him to the wedding. Fine if we had never met, or if he and I were in a new relationship, but we had been together 11 years and had 2 children together. We were both offended and needless to say, he didn't go. We have not seen her since.

I too think you invite the couple or neither. You are asking people to recognise and celebrate your marriage so I think it is bad form to disregard other marriages / relationships, especially if one party is close enough that you would invite them to your wedding!!

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heartisaspade · 21/12/2014 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddFodd · 21/12/2014 17:56

Giles - you are inviting people to celebrate your wedding. As a host, your role is to ensure your guests have a good time. You seem to be under the misapprehension that they should be grateful to get an invitation.

I just don't understand that attitude. If you don't want people to have a lovely time, why on earth are you inviting them?

Girl33 · 21/12/2014 17:56

At risk of outing myself, the groom is a close friend and in business with DH. We have socialised as couples for about 2 years, parties etc.
I was even there for the public proposal!
I think the issue is DH is the groom's guest in the bride's eyes and I'm not hers.

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