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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation to dh and not me

185 replies

Girl33 · 21/12/2014 11:43

Received separate invites to a friend's wedding in the post. DH is invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast and I am only invited to the evening do. Aibu to think this is really really rude?? DH is shocked and says he's not going without me.

OP posts:
ln1981 · 21/12/2014 14:08

yanbu. Similar happened to me earlier in the year (except I wasn't invited at all-to any of it, DH was) and to say i was pissed off was an understatement. I mean I'm quite a reasonable person and I totally understand why i wasnt invited (cost) but it still really riled me.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 14:09

Oh good, just read your DH is going to decline.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 14:12

I could never ever invite just one part of a couple, never. If it's cost, have a cheaper wedding, or don't invite the couple.

inlectorecumbit · 21/12/2014 14:21

It would be interesting to see if your other marries friend's DH declines the day part of the invitation too

Very very rude YANBU

OddFodd · 21/12/2014 15:01

It's fine to have to limit numbers at the ceremony because many registry offices are tiny. But only inviting one half a couple to the catered part of the occasion is v rude

seastargirl · 21/12/2014 15:04

This happened to me and my now husband, don't think we were engaged at the time. Quite frankly it was really hard for him, when he arrived we'd been on the champagne and were talking about the day, he just felt very sober and out of place, he ended up leaving me to it after a couple of hours.

I think it is pretty inconsiderate and would never do it myself.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2014 16:21

I'm interested to note that I hold the opposite opinion to most on here. I think yabu.
My dh just got invited to a wedding of a work colleague of his. I'm not invited and my first reaction was phew. I don't know the bride or the groom or the vast majority of the guests. I wouldn't want to go and I also would be embarrassed that the bride and groom would have to pay £x for someone they don't know. Dh and I aren't joined at the hip.

Hissy · 21/12/2014 16:25

I would certainly decline the whole lot, that's for sure. spectacularly rude!

fourwoodenchairs · 21/12/2014 16:25

Depends how close you are to the bride/groom.

We get married in a week and there are some people coming all day and then their partner joining in the evening - we were not prepared to pay for random people at our wedding.

cigarsofthepharaoh · 21/12/2014 16:28

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. We have objected as a couple to certain family members on both sides missing the other out because they disapproved of our relationship but that's completely different issue.

Expecting someone to invite fewer close friends in order to invite partners seems unreasonable to me. Provided they don't live miles away so that it would be inconvenient to have to go separately, I don't see what's wrong with it. It's their money, it's their day.

Refusing to go seems a bit churlish and selfish of your DP tbh - the couple wanted him there but presumably don't have the money/space to accommodate you for the whole thing too.

Bowlersarm · 21/12/2014 16:28

YANBU.

Very very rude.

Hope you both enjoy the evening do, and they are suitably embarrassed when they see your DH has declined the ceremony.

Jackiebrambles · 21/12/2014 16:32

Good god, I understand that weddings are expensive but the couple are off their heads! Who does that?!

I understand if you were a newish girlfriend but they are getting married and you are married! It's just nuts!

ConferencePear · 21/12/2014 16:34

I really would be wondering if I wanted to be friends with people who can be so rude.
Well done your DH.

Miggsie · 21/12/2014 16:36

If a man is a close friend of the groom both partners should be invited - you are not work colleagues or vague acquaintances. I can see why your DH is insulted - it implies his wife "isn't good enough" for the ceremony!

Sounds like the bride has been pruning the guest list without reference to the groom, separate invites for a married couple is just ghastly!

The only time I struggled with inviting a "couple" was when a friend of mine was carrying on a ménage-a-trois and you could never be sure which boyfriend she would bring - or perhaps both...

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/12/2014 16:43

Don't see a problem tbh. last time I checked I was a separate person from.dp with separate circle of friends.

I also understand that these things cost money and to take it so personally would make me very self centered.

go or don't go but I'd get a bit fed up of friends who can't go anywhere without their wives or husbands tbh.

RattieBagTheOldHag · 21/12/2014 16:44

I wouldn't do it myself but I can see some circumstances where I think it's ok to do this.

I wouldn't take offence or find it insulting if this happened to me but I might not accept the invitation.

I think your DH should go with his other friend. If lots of partners are not being invited then. It's not personal. The bride and groom probably can't invite everyone so they want people who they are friends with at the important bit. If they don't know you then I wouldn't worry about not being there.

Sorry but I think yabu

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 21/12/2014 16:44

Being married in no way makes me and DH a single unit for all social purposes, that would be so weird.

I never said that couples were a single unit for all social purposes. Just that etiquette said that married/engaged couples* were considered a social unit for events such as weddings. I have no idea for other types of events, I'm not an expert on etiquette.

  • I assume this now extends to people in LTRs who are not married/engaged nowadays.
daisychain01 · 21/12/2014 16:44

Maybe offer to do a whip-round if the couple are so hard up they have to exclude half of a married partnership due to not having 50quid for the meal. Gosh times surely can't be that hard for them ... Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:00

Cigar I totally disagree, no it's not churlish for op DH to refuse, believe it or not it is rude and most people see that as an insult however your reasons.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 17:02

Tif money is tight, don't invite the couple, you obviously are not close if you are going to invite one and not the other.

windchime · 21/12/2014 17:02

YABU unless you and DH are Siamese twins.

TeacupDrama · 21/12/2014 17:05

it is acceptable in some cases like work colleagues if 20 people work in your office / business quite ok to invite without partners if local ( not if a 100 miles away) as they can sit together on tables and will know other people otherwise it is 40 people better to invite all work colleagues alone rather than half of them with their partners also difficult to know sometimes whether a work colleague has spouse/ partner

I do not think it is insulting unless you are friends with bride and groom as couple in which case it is deeply insulting; if groom is only DH's friend it is not insulting but perfectly ok for your DH not to go without you, wedding invites are invites not orders

groom is not a childhood/ long standing friend of DH as you did not know them when you married so am a bit on the fence as to whether this case is insulting, if it were close family or a friend since childhood who had been at your wedding YANBU, if a work colleague or casual acquaintance from rugby club or similar YABU but this seems to be a bit halfway between two

ISolemnlySwearIveBeenGoodSanta · 21/12/2014 17:07

Totally rude and irrational. Yanbu. As you are, I would be so offended if any of my husband's close friends did that to us. If you husband is declining the day invitation, I'd suggest that he tells his close friend why!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2014 17:07

Bollocks to etiquette. Invite who you want to your wedding.
When I got married I was friends with every single person there. That's nice isn't it?

treaclesoda · 21/12/2014 17:10

but it's quite easy to be close to one half of a couple yet barely know the other. I've got some friends whose husbands I wouldn't know if I walked past them in the street. Doesn't mean we aren't friends, just that we have socialised with each other rather than in couples.