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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation to dh and not me

185 replies

Girl33 · 21/12/2014 11:43

Received separate invites to a friend's wedding in the post. DH is invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast and I am only invited to the evening do. Aibu to think this is really really rude?? DH is shocked and says he's not going without me.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 21/12/2014 12:03

OddFodd - is that true? Not sur ein my experience that it is. I have been to a number of parties where only one half of a married couple if invited and attends without offence.

I have also been to weddings where the partner of a day guest (long term or married) has only been invited to the evening do. Sometimes when you're shelling out £60-70 a head, people don't want to pay that for someone they don't know, even if it is an established relationship.

Fwiw, I am not a fan of day and evening guests and when I get married we won't be doing that, it's all or nothing and I can't think of a couple we would not invite together but then that's because we know our friends partners. I dont think the op is wrong to be upset, but to find it offensive rather than hurtful is the thing I don't understand.

oswellkettleblack · 21/12/2014 12:05

I wouldn't go to any of it if I were him. Rude. I don't blame him for being offended.

JuanDirection · 21/12/2014 12:07

Really, really rude! I wouldn't go to any of it if I were you (and I mean you and dh, obviously)! I can't understand what on earth these people were thinking.

AuntieStella · 21/12/2014 12:12

I'm old enough to have no difficulty whatsoever with the idea that a person, whether married or not, has an independent social life (I'm not sure why this has been eroded so much in the last few years).

So I wouldn't see anything strange in inviting one person but not the other.

I do however see it as really bad form to invite one properly, and then one to only part of the day.

MaryWestmacott · 21/12/2014 12:12

Agree with Odd - it's so rude to both of you. I can't believe people think it's ok to do this to a married couple, perhaps a couple who are dating/not living together or only just living together without DCs, but for a long term partner or wife to be left out it's an insult.

Decline the lot, they don't like either of you enough to be polite.

Boomingmarvellous · 21/12/2014 12:13

Your DH is lovely and knows where his loyalties lie

HamPortCourt · 21/12/2014 12:13

No, I would not go to any of it. How very rude!

StripedCandycaneOss · 21/12/2014 12:15

it depends on the type of wedding.

If they're having a small wedding with just themselves and witnesses, then its totally appropriate. My friend did this, it was just the Bride/Groom, their parents and two each of their closest friends.. no partners invited, everyone else was invited to a big evening do.

If however they're having a wedding/breakfast with 20-50 people, AND a big reception, then its really, really ,rude.

Your DH needs to enquire as to whats going on.

GertyD · 21/12/2014 12:15

YANBU. It is rude and insulting.

Like it or not, IMO, when a couple get married and invite people, they are hosts to their guests. They should act like it, and be considerate. You do not separate married couples. That is terribly bad form. I find it mind boggling that anyone pick the venue and then think about numbers. Surely it should be the other way around.

Ragwort · 21/12/2014 12:16

I agree with Auntie - I think it is fine to go to a wedding without your DH/DW if the person getting married is a close friend of one of you. The last wedding I went to (close friend of my DH's but not particularly my sort of person ) was the most boring, tedious waste of my time. I wish I'd had the guts to turn down the invite .

But I suppose from an 'etiquette' point of view, a couple should be invited to one or other part of the event - I also hate evening do's - so 'B list'.

MissBattleaxe · 21/12/2014 12:17

No its rude. Even if its about costs, it's still rude. Weddings have got so out of control now that people are willing to offend guests and jeopardise friendships just to save money. Guests have very long memories! "please share our happy day, but only one part of it as we'd rather have someone else for that bit."

Rude to not invite you to all of it, especially when you've been a married couple longer than you've known them.

daisychain01 · 21/12/2014 12:19

Threads of this theme (either receiving a two-tier level of inclusion or excluded completely) have cropped up several times on MN and I can never reconcile myself to seeing it as anything other than thoughtless and rude. Sending two separate invitations takes it to a whole new level of rudeness!

When you are spending x £000 on your wedding, the idea that you would save the price of an extra place setting or 2 to cut down on cost, but risking the 'included' partner sitting there on their own during the meal while being surrounded by other "more worthy" couples who are together and having fun, is ludicrous! And thoughtless to someone who is meant to be considered a friend.

To my mind, you either invite both halves of the partnership to the full event, or you invite them both to the evening celebration only.

StripedCandycaneOss · 21/12/2014 12:19

Not really Gerty, you have to provide within your budget.

When i got married we were restricted by what we could afford, so we had to choose to invite only family to the wedding/lunch and then we invited everyone else to the evening reception, which we could afford to do bigger as we used the club my dad was chairman of and got 'mates rates' on the room hire and buffet.

OddFodd · 21/12/2014 12:20

Oh I absolutely agree that couples can have independent social lives. I spend evenings with my local female friends quite regularly and know most of their husbands only slightly. But I still wouldn't dream of only inviting the women to my wedding and then only inviting their husbands/partners to the evening.

It's really weird and rude - and to me demonstrates that you need to invite fewer people if you can't afford to feed and host all of them. And agree that evening/daytime splits are hideous altogether - having an A list and a B list is awful I think. And certainly not if you're going to split a couple between the two lists.

NotYouNaanBread · 21/12/2014 12:21

If it's about "cost" then I bet it's because they want a more expensive wedding than they can actually afford. If they hadn't set their hearts on a £100 per plate meal they would be able to "afford" good manners, I bet, so I have no sympathy.

SpicyBeat · 21/12/2014 12:23

YANBU - it's atrociously rude. Your DH is right to decline the parts you have been excluded from.

Tobyjugg · 21/12/2014 12:25

it's a direct insult to him

I agree with him. I wouldn't go to any of it if I were him and I don't care how big a mate he is - that crosses a line.

RockinHippy · 21/12/2014 12:27

Disgustingly rude

If this happened to either of us, we would be boycotting the whole thing & avoiding the couple from then onwards!

ENormaSnob · 21/12/2014 12:27

Yanbu

They are rude. Was there also a poem?

redexpat · 21/12/2014 12:27

I wouldnt mind but i know that puts me in the mn minority. Im also happy yo give money or buy from a list.

Eminado · 21/12/2014 12:29

I am just [shock ]. How incredibly rude!

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 21/12/2014 12:30

It's very rude. I've just been invited to a wedding and DH hasn't been invited at all! I've decided I'm busy that day I wouldn't go at all if I were you, never mind the evening do!

GertyD · 21/12/2014 12:31

Striped, I get that everyone has a budget. We did too and a small one at that, but that was also factored in when we were planning the wedding and who we would want there.

shaska · 21/12/2014 12:31

I can understand that sometimes the ceremony is really really tiny - friends of mine had a limit of 20 people in the room. They called and explained before sending invitations. They were clearly in a pickle and didn't want to offend anyone, and because the bride was a close friend of mine, I was happy to offer to come solo and have DH join us later. Not a problem at all.

Had they just sent the invitation without explaining, I'd have found it rude. If your DH wants to he could call them and give them a chance to explain and apologise. People make mistakes etc etc. But YANBU, I'd be miffed.

GingerbreadPudding · 21/12/2014 12:36

This is very rude. I was invited to a wedding with my partner a while ago. Then about a week before my partner was uninvited to the day part as some more relatives wanted to go. I declined to go to the day part too. Honestly, our friendship hasn't recovered. So rude.

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