To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

I don't understand why people want to keep their dad's name.

Other than that, I couldn't care less if anyone changed their name - I always use what they prefer. I am the only person who calls my friend James. Everyone else, including his wife, calls him Jim. But he expressed a preference and refers to himself as James so would be rude to do otherwise.

I changed my name because DH's family name is very unusual and disappearing in this country. And he has one gay brother who won't be having kids and although my surname is equally unusual I have a brother and sister who both kept their names when they got married.

Having read the whole thread I feel worried now that my DH may have offended lots of our friends/his relatives, he wrote most the Christmas Cards this year and god knows what he put on the envelopes or the insides, hopefully we will still have people talking to us at the New Year's Eve party.

I did consider resurrecting the furthest back female name in my family but it was crap.

By that logic, Well, why do men want to keep their dad 's names?

Well YANBU. I don't fully appreciate why it bothers you so much but...YANBU as I assume that these close family members and friends do.
I get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Thinkshesmarvellous and Dr LittleMarvel and Dr Thinkshesmarvellous and many other variations in between. All names I am happy to be called! I really don't care but each to their own!

Precisely! So maybe everyone should choose a name for their new family unit? Time for change I say!

The only way to deal with the persistent offenders is to start addressing cards to them in their maiden names. That gets a quick response - they say "why did you use my maiden name?" at which point you can smile sweetly and say "oh i just [i]assumed[i] you hadn't changed it". It's amazing how quickly you can make your point - have managed to get a couple of really stubborn friends to stop referring to me as "mrs DH name" that way.

Haha lovely suggestion angel. And thanks guybrush for your articulate explanation. I'm now much the wiser.

What's wrong with everyone having the same surname throughout their lives, though?

Getting a card from someone that does not even know or care what my name is actually would not bring me heaps of joy. We can't be that close, can we?

Oops, you may well be a friend or relative of mine then! Everyone is called Mr and Mrs his surname. Sorry. Can't be arsed fannying about with second names on already over crowded envelopes.
I address things properly, to proper married couples.

So whose name do the kids have if neither parent changes?

Nothing Yonic if that's what floats your boat. I want to have the same surname as my husband though, if that's alright with you.

I put both names in the card and the address the envelope to the one I know best just to be on the safe side.

It's all very risky this Christmas card malarky

ilike, did you actually mean to write that it's not a proper married couple, if a woman didn't change her name?

Sure, bowlers, that was addressed at Well who suggested everyone picking a new name.

Moln, that sounds good and is prob largely what I do too unless I know both in the couple the same.

Oh sorry, Yonic, I should keep off these threads, always makes me cross as to why I have to justify changing - actually wanting to change - my name to my husbands. They normally pop up in feminism, which I've hidden.

Well for the kids choose either - whichever goes best. I wasn't to fussed about dc taking my name as no one ever questions who the mother is .

I was only really messing about it being risky (I tend to put one name really because it involves less writing . In all seriousness the one thing I don't get that I've picked up throughout this thread is why do people care so much if other have or haven't changed their surname when they get married?

If you didn't, then fine, but why get so rude to those who haven't? If you did change your surname then don't be so rude as to say someone isn't properly married, they are.

If friends of my get married I generally as them, are you changing your surname? If they aren't, they aren't and if they are then they are, or they might double barrel (actually I've not got friends who have done this!!), if I didn't know the woman and she's not changing then I'll note her surname with their address

One this that does get my goat, most definitely, is the Mr and Mrs HusbandFirstName HusbandLastName. WRONG!!!

Jesus wept. OP YANBU. It's a basic courtesy to know someone's name if you're writing to them. If you don't know it, don't bother.

To add to the joy, today I received a card from DH's cousin who has met me numerous times, addressed to Mr and Mrs DH's initial + surname, and inside said 'To DH and the girls' - so I have no name and am lumped in with my (lovely and individual) dds.

OP YANBU. This gives me the rage. Friends of mine who know beyond a doubt what my name is have done this. My own parents have and they definitely know what my name is as they picked it!

I think it's disrespectful and that it does matter.

I've realised I've sent on to "The Surnames" -but they're not married yet! Hope she doesn't mind. For my brother, his girlfriend, her mum and my nephew I've labelled it to Surname 1/Surname 2s as they are half and half (and I'm not even certain what my nephew's surname actually is (e.g. her surname as middle or if it's double barreled).

DH is amused that we get cards written to Mr and Mrs DH's Initial and Surname. Got two of them today but I don't mind as they are from his more elderly relatives.

My mum never wanted to change surnames when she married but apparently everyone (including her bank and especially her parents) just started sending her stuff in my dad's surname.

I tend to randomly anagram the surnames of friends (both married and unmarried) who have different names

most people address me by my married name - which is the same as my kids - on cards
but my own name is for work

there are BIG issues in the world.
THis is NOT one of them.

Mn would be a quiet place if we only discussed big issues.

It's an issue with an easy solution, though: address people how they want to be addressed. It's not a complicated diplomatic negotiation - when you update your address spreadsheet, include Joe Bloggs & Jane Smith, 10 acacia avenue instead of mr and mrs Bloggs.