To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

oddboots it is correct etiquette to write the woman's name first in that scenario. Apparently.

Yes, amicissimma, in the same way as if a company's HR department spent thousands on recruitment, took the time to read my CV and call me to interview, were kind enough to offer me a job but then decided to pay me 70% of what they would pay an equally qualified male. The fact that thought, effort and cost were involved does not make blatant sexism okay or require gratitude when it's so easily avoided.

And your response is that you don't like the way they address you on the envelope!

Absolutely. If they know my name, but deliberately use another name, how is that defensible?

To Mammanat222 who asked which country doesn't let you change your name, I did a search to see which other countries have similar laws. Turns out there are a few:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Married_and_maiden_names

Also this search brings back a few interesting articles:
www.google.co.uk/search?q=countries+where+women+don%27t+change+their+name+on+marriage&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=a2SQVN1cgtNospWAqAM

If people know you have kept your Maiden name when you got married, the. They are being unreasonable not to use it.

If they don't know then it is not unreasonable for them to address the card to Mr & Mrs x.

The correct way (etiquette) of addressing a married couple is Mr and Mrs (his initial) (his surname).

If just writing to the wife: Mrs (his initial) (his surname)

Unless they are divorced, in which case it is Mrs (her initial) (his surname)

YADNBU
today I received a birthday card ! a birthday card! for MY birthday addressed to Mrs my initial his surname-mysurname
My name being
Ms (if we want to be formal) my firstname my surname.
This from MIL
Like others I don't object to 'the hisname-myname family' on christmas cards
I also received one to mr and mrs hisname-myname from a very old friend (only on christmas card terms now)...she must have made an effort to find out his name!....and who ever told her MUST have known what my name is now...and always has been...I'm looking at you, DM.

The correct way (etiquette) of addressing a married couple is Mr and Mrs (his initial) (his surname).

No. The correct way is to do it according to the addressee's preference.

Correct etiquette? In what, Burkes Peerage? If I ever get referred to by DPs initial and surname I'll be giving out some etiquette lessons of my own.

It amazes me how many women think that name changing upon marriage is automatic or required. My best friend moaned for ages that it was a huge admin nightmare getting her name changed on eg her bank accounts etc. I said why bother then, and got a blank look. I think she thinks it's the law or something.

Something what about for Chinese families where the first part of the name is often the family name? Or Egyptian families where the family name belongs to your father? Wives do not change their names, children are automatically given part of their father's name but it is often at the beginning not end? (apologies if I've got this wrong, this is based on friends of mine from these nationalities)

This is the trouble with etiquette, in this day and age there just isn't a 'correct'. It used to be but hasn't been for decades. My cousin addressed ours wrongly but I'm sure she saw it as 'correct'
Eg, imagine my partner and I are Reverend W Jones and Miss B Smith.
She addressed as Mr and Mrs W Jones.

She couldn't even get his title right. She didn't ask whether I will be changing my name (we aren't married yet), she assumed. This woman is in her late twenties! What the hell is wrong with Sarah and sam?!

Its poserish and rude. It is not correct it is completely unnecessary.

I'm getting to the point of getting confused by the various and inconsistent variations of names and titles of friends and family. Of DH's sisters, one keeps her maiden name entirely and one for work only but is happy enough with Mrs BIL. Then there's the combinations of double-barrelled, divorced, reverting back, Miss, Mrs, Ms, Dr (do they use it personally or not). Many people don't make their choice clear, particularly on title (e.g. you might see surname on FB but not title) It's also not often that you need to recall those details.

I found the best reason to change to Mrs DH was that it's socially simpler in the long run. If the convention for keeping to maiden names becomes more consistent (eg agreeing on when Miss/Ms/Mrs is applicable) then it will help other people get it right.

The correct (etiquette) way of naming someone, anyone, is by their name.
Which is not, never has been and never will be Mrs DH'sname.
If that's so very, very hard for someone to grasp I'd rather they just didn't send me a card.

I double barrelled my maiden name and my husbands surname many years ago, school get it right but my own family don't.
I am past caring now, but what I hate that that my own parents can't be bothered to write my whole name and most of my relatives can't even spell my short easy Christian name correctly.

And it's not a 'maiden' name FFS!

I don't understand why "oh, it's so difficult to remember surnames when going to the effort of writing cards"

Unless you all have mega memories, you've stopped at the envelope stage to look up someone's address, surely? Why not store the surnames in the same place? No extra steps required!

The correct etiquette, according to Debretts, is to use the name preferred by the recipient.

Why is it not a maiden name? In the dictionary is says a maiden name is a woman's surname before her marriage.

Most women using the surname they were born with aren't maidens.

And I am married, but have not changed my name. So is my surname my maiden name still, by that definition?

Nope, it's my surname. Birth to death.

I hate the "it's just so hard to know my friends' names" argument. Because the vast majority of people saying this don't feel this about mens' names. If their female friend moves in with her boyfriend, they don't think "Oh, it's too hard to find out his name, I'll just address him as Mr Hername", they find out his name through any of the many options available - Facebook, text, e-mail, etc. Part of the sexism around this is the way that women are considered just not worth bothering with.

You asked us to be gentle so I will-this isn't important in the scheme of things-you know what your name is-if they get it wrong ignore it-at least they sent you a card.

My family are utterly bewildered by me not taking DH surname. To the point of hilarity. Every year we get a cocktail of odd mixes written, usually with at least one first name also spelled wrong. This year we have another baby and i know the cards are going to be even more interestingly spelled.

We've had 3 cards so far and every one has a name wrong and one of those is from my Mum. My GPs spelled my first name wrong every year and even one year called me the dogs name!

It just makes me laugh (altho my sister is quite furious about me not taking my DHs name and ha told me she thinks i'm disgusting and there is 'no point getting married then'. I feel a bit sad for BIL that the only reason she married him was for his surname! )

Same here and I still get irritated that people imagine that I would have been so pathetic and drippy as to have given up my own identity. And tbh I know loads of you have but I really don't understand why you took your husbands' names . Can anyone shed some light on this?

OP yanbu.
But goddess, you are. And fucking rude. The point of feminism isn't that you get to dictate what people should do. It's that we should be allowed to make choices without being judged. Your post is stupid and nasty.