To expect people to use my actual surname when sending us Xmas cards

[CantStopEatingCheese]

First AIBU post so be gentle!

Every year this gets to me. I am married but never changed my surname to DH's surname. Every year Christmas cards arrive with "Mr + Mrs DHSurname" on the envelope. I am not Mrs DHSurname, I am Mrs CantStopEatingCheese. I would expect cards addressed to "Mr DHSurname and Mrs CantStopEatingCheese". Is that too much to ask?

I can uderstand it coming from elderly relatives (for whom the concept might be alien). I can understand it from people who maybe don't know us very well (or only know DH and might not be aware of my surname). I can even understand cards addressed to "DHSurname Family" (both DCs have his surname so there are more of them than me). But from my own parents? Close friends of mine who've known me since before I got married? Is this not a bit weird?

Can I add that I come from a country where women don't change their name when getting married (there is no official way for achieving this) and that when this law was passed back in the 80's my mum changed her name back to her maiden name (my parents are still married).

Dh.s family I meant

We got a card yesterday written (on the inside) to 'Ragwort, 'Peter' and children' - 'Peter' was my first DH, we divorced over 30 years ago and I have been married to DH2 for over 26 years .

Fortuately my DH saw the funny side.

I do think people get a bit neurotic over this name thing, just appreciate the card and good wishes. .

Yanbu. Every time I see an envelope addressed to mrs DH (quite often this time of year!) I briefly wonder about this weird habit of seemingly stripping a woman of her identity when she marries. But it's nice of people to send cards! And to me there seems to be a correlation between "habit of sending greetings cards" and "habit of referring to wives as mrs DH" - has anyone else noticed that?

I didn't change my name and I get this too. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. It also doesn't bother DH when he's occasionally addressed as Mr Thumbcat.

I have a friend who went double barrelled and her husband didn't. I address their cards to Firstname and firstname, I've given up on the surnames! That way no one can be offended, and my hand doesn't drop off!

But I have another friend like you where I do X Surname and Y different surname, it's only polite!

OP you are free to use Mrs, Miss or Ms as your title, whether you're married or not and whether you changed your name or not. Totally up to you.

I often say this but for a card that fits through a letterbox and has been correctly stamped, the post people don't need your surname. Unless I know for sure that it is mr and mrs green, I just go for Steve and sue and leave surnames out if it. Especially for a blended family where there might be kids with different names and adults with different names again! To Chris, Kate, Sophie, Jake and Callum for example can just go on the envelope. It's a minefield.

YANBU, it's annoying.

I think that technically you are Mrs Whatever when you marry, whether you use it or not. You can use it whenever you want as the name is legally yours. You can, of course, choose to keep using your original name, you don't relinquish it.

Regardless, people should call you what you choose to be called. I would be equally fed up if people called me by my original name although I don't think I'd be overly irritated by the envelope on a Christmas card.

I'd rather be a Ms but wouldn't expect people to know that when addressing cards.

I would automatically assume that anyone using their original surname was also using Ms. Mrs Originalname is just wrong.

I didn't change my name and also don't particularly like being addressed as Mrs x though hasn't mentioned it to perpetrators. I usually just use first names if it's to friends, to et round any problems of this sort.

Haven't !

YABU. It's not the end of the world and saves the poor Christmas card writers time and ink.

If I knew you hated it though I'd just write Rob & Kate on the envelope rather than faffing about with titles (a minefield) surnames initials.

youarealbonkers No he has quite a nice surname. And it's not a case of being Mrs DHSurname but choosing not to use it. Like I said where I come from there is no mechanism for changing you rname when you get married. We got married in my country (though live in the UK). My passport still has my original (only) surname in.

As for why I chose not to change my name to DH's surname there are a lot of reasons like: I'm kind of used to my name, it would be weird to suddenly change it, a bit like pretending to be someone else (especially as my name is distinctly not British and his is), I believe it's a slightly antiquated tradition (though I can see why some women choose to do it especially when there are children in the family as they might want all of them to have the same name).

Oh God you'd really hate me then!
Am using moonpig and have no energy to personalise the innards of each and every one so no one even got first ones in their card this year let alone worrying about last names on the envelope.

Ah, I see a few people do that too. Should have read the thread.

First names

sykadelic "Yabu to think youre Mrs maiden name though. Mrs goes in front of your married surname. Ms is for maiden."

Would it blow you mind completely to hear that until this year I went by Ms Married?

I am now Ms Maiden-Married. Or Dr Maiden-Married, depending on how I'm feeling.

But never Mrs.

Perhaps at weddings instead of toasting the bride and groom a formal announcement of names could be made?

This is what we did 30 years ago. We also made a point on return addresses of mail we sent to others. I almost never get anything addressed to me with DH's last name; people I know seem to pay attention to my preference in the matter.

BTW, I am of "a certain age" and even people older than me have usually managed to get it right.

No. My friends sent a card to 'the dhname family'. They know oh so very well I didn't change my name but it is so annoying that people don't respect our choices.

And I don't buy the 'it takes so much time to...'. Until I was married, it never caused anyone any harm to send cards to mr his name and ms my name, nothing has changed.

Yabu bigger things in life to worry about.

Not sure if it's funny or sad how many people still think you have to become Mrs DHName when you marry. As others have said, you can legally call yourself whatever you like. You can use whatever title you prefer, and your name does not change when you marry unless you take steps to change it. You can change it if you like, but it's by no means an automatic process. So those saying that "you're married so you are Mrs DHName whether you like it or not" are not correct.

This year I finally did what I have threatened to do for years. The three stupid aunts and two cousins that refuse to use my name got cars addressed to Mr x and Ms Maiden Name. So far one aunt has bitched to my mother, and one cousin has phoned me to laugh. No response from the others.

And yes I will 'get my knickers in a twist' if I want to, IT"S MY NAME! I want it used. With Ms.

Cars? Cards of course. Those aunts probably don't drive as it's not ladylike or somesuch 1950s arseholery.

"Mrs goes in front of your married surname. Ms is for maiden" - based on what law would that be?

YANBU OP. I find it odd that people think a woman's name somehow automatically changes on marriage, even if she hasn't changed it! So other people know better than I do what my name is ...