give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

I have told my parents who got small inheritances from their own parents when they were in their late 60s, and are on final salary pension scheme (Dad) state pension (Mum) get winter fuel allowance & bus pass that I expect then to buy a speedboat, Ferraris and holidays with their pensions because their life is for living, not for saving to give me a bung when they die.

They earned none of that and are ridiculously over privileged.

And obviously you're not entitled to any of that free money for nothing either.

Be better than them and watch them be the last and only generation to spunk it up the wall without demanding any of it for yourself.

Are you lazy? Do you have a gambling problem or lifestyle they disapprove of? Like partying and drinking all the time? If so, then maybe they have a point. If not, then they're being really mean. Have you fallen out? Were they mean to you growing up?

My mil says to my Dh about the inheritance and what she's leaving and to who. She was wanting to go on a holiday early last year for now as its her 70th and this really is the holiday of a lifetime in the Bahamas. She said it would come out of the inheritance and I told her to go for it and that she only lives once!

Holidays and cars, absolutely their right and their own business. However what are they planning to do with the value of the properties, etc, when they die? If they're leaving it to charity just to prevent you getting it I'd say you're right to feel aggrieved.

Meh, it's very different enjoying yourself in old age- which presumably we'd all like to do- and saying to your kid- "you get nothing- not this huge house, not the flats, not the money, nothing".

Very alien concept to me.

I think NewEraNewMindset is spot on with her observations.

I've seen a large family of young people late teens early twenties at the time who knew they were going to inherit enough so they'd never have to work. All they did individually was sofa surf around the world and get off their faces, waiting for the day they struck it rich, then their plans were to party forever.

Perhaps your parents have also seen families like that first-hand and were as horrified and repulsed as I was and are determined not to give you that opportunity.

Inheritance is never a right, it's a privilege, never base your life-decisions on what you will have one day via inheritance. I've also seen it used as a massive blackmail tool by controlling parents, a do as I say or I'll disinherit you relationship.

Be your own independent person, live your life for yourself.

You don't have the "right" to an inheritance and I certainly don't expect to from my parents even if there is anything remaining after care home costs if they require it.

However it seems that your parents are rubbing your nose in their fortunate positioning of having inherited. Plus they sound incredibly tight and miserly

Every time they mention how hard they worked and I would probably mention everything they also inherited...

Good on them enjoying themselves, you come across as very entitled re their spending meaning less in the pot when they die.

Perhaps they see that you are waiting for them to go to get your hands on their money or know that you begrudge their spending now so they feel you need to provide for yourself to learn the true value of life and money.

Maybe they intend to leave it to a charity close to their heart that will have good use for the money.

Your folks sound like a right pair! I think id be making a joke about all their benefits (pension, winter fuel allowance, bus pass) everything they mention anything about it. They can fritter away to their hearts content but pretending they're earnt it is hilarious!

Plus what are they saying? That they're going to sell all of their real estate and spend the proceeds before they die? And are they saying you aren't in their will or there won't be anything left?

It is difficult isnt it. My parents both inherited although smaller amounts from their parents- we inherited nothing from our grandparents. Mine have written a will that gives £XX to each grandchild. It is a large sum (about 50% of their worth) but if they have to pay for care it will be all of their money as the fixed beneficiaries get paid before any split of remaining assets. It does frustrate me a little. If they live forever and dont have to pay for care then their children will be better off as the grandchildren's £XX will have in value diminished over time. Poor will writing!

Your parents sound awful ,but TBH from your post you don't sound much better so perhaps you all deserve each other .

Well Jassy, I am one of the disgusting ones.

I have worked for everything, luck wasn't a significant factor at all. Hard work and a thrifty hand with money were very significant factors. I am amused more than insulted that you find me being able to enjoy any fruits of my own labours disgusting.

You are right the world has changed. The needs and wants of yesteryear have changed and the needs and wants of today are as inexplicable to me as mine would have been to my grandparents. But I would not say that today is any harder than the previous generation or 3 lived through - just the hardships are different, which is as it should be in an ever changing world.

OPs parents aren't dead yet, she has no idea of the contents of any will, she may even have misinterpreted her mum's words... she has no idea what will happen, nor do we! OP is VU to expect anything. N even a little bit U to be upset at her mums apparent meanness. But it still stands, you cannot, should not ever, ever decide you are entitled to inherit anything. That would be grabbing something you don't own.

Should add- mine is the the context of them telling me quite a lot that we will be very well off when they die- it is all in a property which they wont sell unless they have to for care- they have money and good pensions as well. I dont begrudge them spending anything_ I would be very happy if they live long and leave no cash (cant see them ever selling house voluntarily).

I guess we know very different youngsters blanklook. At the risk of outing myself, I work in a widening participation uni. The average amount of paid work they do is 30h a week, whilst trying to hold down a fulltime degree. That's a 70h week to you and me. Understandably, many don't get the grades they could have got if they had been able to study, sleep and relax; others are cracking up with the stress of it all. And when they graduate, what is there for them, more debt. Mountains of the shit. A rubbish job market and astronomical house prices.

Now of course the most important response is to ask how we as a society can fix this for everyone. But if I had it in my power to set up a trust fund for my GC to at least get them through uni (if that's what they choose) and support them for a year maybe whilst they try out different career paths, then would I do it? You betcha.

How are most ordinary working parents going to be able to afford even a fraction of that support without some help from the previous generation? They can't. Your DP don't seem to realise the extent that the game has changed for young people now.

I think it's a thing parents say to push offspring to work and achieve for themselves rather than spend their lives bumming about waiting for their parents to croak.I think they will leave it to you really
But no you are not entitled to it

I used to think that parents had the absolute right to spend their own money and not pass on anything to their children.

But that was before I realised how much wealth many of today's 60 somethings have which is down to luck and not earned. And which their childrens generation cannot hope to replicate. House price rises are the main factor here, but student grants/free tuition, final salary pensions and low retirement age have also played a part. And in the OP's case some was inherited from grandparents.

As it happens I tend to think this wealth should be passed to the government to benefit everyone, rather than to heirs, but certainly I no longer think they are entitled to spend it all because they earned it all. They didn't. Legally of course they are entitled to spend it all but not morally IMO.

Nomama you say you've worked for everything. I presume you've not benefited from house price increases then?

YANBU !
Your parents are entitled to spend their money how they wish while they are able to enjoy it, but I don't understand why they say they don't want to leave any of it to you when they have so much! They have inherited some themselves, and gained from owning properties they can rent out, as well as good pensions that not everyone may have.

Obviously no one knows what will happen in the future - they may both live to be 100, or have to sell the properties to pay for care. So there is never any guarantee of what you may get. But YANBU, they are being selfish.

I have worked for everything, luck wasn't a significant factor at all. Hard work and a thrifty hand with money were very significant factors. I am amused more than insulted that you find me being able to enjoy any fruits of my own labours disgusting.

Enjoy it all you like. But recognise your luck, and perhaps take a course in reading comprehension.

Here are some examples of luck to help you out:

Do you have skills that the market values? Have you avoided disabling illness? Did you grow up in a home that valued education and hard work? Have you avoided having to give up work to care for a relative? Are you in relatively good mental health? Did you avoid redundancy or change in government regulation that would have crippled your business when things were at their tightest? What were house prices and mortgage repayments relative to income when you bought your first home? What about all the other times that bad fortune would have scuppered you?

You avoided those, or were able to overcome them? In part, that's luck.

I've done really well. And I've worked really hard for it. But luck - or the absence of bad luck - was a massive contributor as well.

My parents have done incredibly well. They went through some very tight times, but the decisions they made paid off in the last few years. That is in part due to luck - and they recognise that. They are now very wealthy, and I am utterly thrilled that they can fly business class to visit my family, have new cars, and essentially enjoy their lives.

But you know what? I'm also thrilled that they raised me to recognise that I've been fortunate.

YANBU

I don't think it's wrong at all to want to enjoy the fruits of your labour but to purposefully deny your children to also benefit seems alien to me. But then I'm from a family that, although doesn't have a whole lot beyond the necessary, always pitches in to help eachother when needed, and who also look after the elderly members. It seems incredibly selfish of your parents to me.

That being said, don't dwell on it or you'll end up bitter. I just hope they aren't expecting much from you should they end up needing long term care.... They have the money after all

As it happens, minipie, no I have not benefitted from house prices, nor am I likely to. I have indeed worked for everything, as have all of my peers. None of us inherited anything or were given any starter cash. We have all worked, for 3 decades, full time, still counting! What would you like me to have done with my earnings in all those years?

Your assumption regarding the wealth of older people is flawed, as is your conclusion that all money after death should go to the government for equal distribution. We don't live in utopia and communisn (with capital or lower case c) has been proven to be unworkable.

Is the latest stick to beat older people with 'luck'? A nice way to insinuate that someone who has worked for 40 years is now living high on the hog at someone elses expense.

House prices... well, if they crash what will you do?

Tuition fees - that old red herring. May I suggest you watch this www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/ and stop ranting and scaremongering on that topic?

Final salary pensions: paid into for decades and for the majority of ordinary salary slaves, not as common or as well paying as you have been led to believe! Most people with them do not get the pay outs the meeja report, just the CEOs etc... who also earned and paid in far more than Joe Bloggs.

Low retirement age? Oh how I laughed... I was sold a pig in a poke on that one. It was 60, now mine will be 65, or 66 or even 68 by the time I get there.

See I am not a boomer but have been a worker and a saver since I was 16 years old - that being when I left home and started living independently. My parents are boomers. Working class boomers and, whilst they have had money and assets no longer do as the recession hit dad's business and they have retired on little more than state pension.

Not all boomers are rich, the meeja will insist they are so that the gullible can have someone to hate... after all, if you were just lucky you aren't deserving, are you?

See I am not a boomer but have been a worker and a saver since I was 16 years old - that being when I left home and started living independently. My parents are boomers.

Yep, me too. I have worked solidly since I left home. Made bad and good decisions in my youth, lucky that the bad ones haven't haunted me and the good ones have been really good. Lucky that when I left a job because of sexual harassment, the one I went to was the right one. Lucky that when I was made redundant. Lucky that when I was seriously ill aged 24, I recovered and was able to pick up my career pretty quickly and catch up to my peers. Lucky that I was academically inclined and raised in a family that valued education and hard work.

I've worked very, very hard. I've seen the value of my pension eroded, paid the price for not getting on the housing ladder until 2008, will probably not retire until I'm over 70, am looking at financially supporting my in-laws because their state pensions aren't quite cutting it as ill-health strikes.

Still lucky.

Well, perhaps both.

It is reasonable to bear in mind that they may need some form of care / residential care before they die, which can be horrendously expensive. There is a good chance that a major chunk will be spent on this.

After that, inheritance tax is about 40% I think. Even if they were planning to leave you a large inheritance, you wouldn't receive it all (and may have to sell some assets to pay the tax).

As long as they can find their lifestyle, it is up to them. I would be furious if they spent everything then needed help to pay for care homes etc.

Jassy OK, I'll respond:

Do you have skills that the market values? Yes. Because in my 30s I retrained. I took a hit on my earnings and chose to gain new skills. Or am I now also lucky because I made a choice to give up money on the short term for a hoped for longer term gain?

Have you avoided disabling illness?
No. I have a lifelong, limiting disability.

Did you grow up in a home that valued education and hard work?
In part yes. Half a point to you!

Have you avoided having to give up work to care for a relative?
No, but DH had to give up work to care for me for a few years.

Are you in relatively good mental health?
No. Which is why I will soon be unemployed

Did you avoid redundancy or change in government regulation that would have crippled your business when things were at their tightest?
No. Both DH and I have been made redundant multiple times and dad lost everything in the recession.

What were house prices and mortgage repayments relative to income when you bought your first home?
We bought a miniscule flat when the banks would barely look at my income, the little lady's wages were not seen as viable to loan on. Would you like that to be reinstated? We have rented for decades and only just bought our own home. So whatever the current market is, that is what we have paid - we sold the flat for about the same as we paid for it... the 80s were shite to live through!

What about all the other times that bad fortune would have scuppered you?
Including family suicides, bankruptcies, personal illness and loss, what other ill would you wish upon me to fulfil your criteria?

You see, sometime people don't fit the stereotype you build so carefully.

Had I told you all of the above you would have been able to write me off so casually, would you? But it is all true. I don't even count myself as being unlucky, I am just hard working and determined to save in order to give myself a decent retirement.

I have not relied on luck, had no hand outs and have worked damned hard for everything I have. Why do you resist the idea that this is possible? Why would you rather be insulting than accept that?

And now seeing the cross post, I wish I had not responded. I am not playing hardship top trumps, Jassy. That would be ridiculous.

But your position is no different to my own, it seems. The details in our posts are very similar...

Maybe it is all down to perception. I have never wanted to be a negative person and refuse to let any knockbacks define me. So yes, still lucky.