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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

447 replies

twoopsie · 14/12/2014 12:13

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

OP posts:
funnyossity · 14/12/2014 12:33

They sound very selfish and smug and it's true that Scot's law seems fairer in this regard.

But as Argy says it is good to know where you stand and act accordingly. Live your own life as an adult.

MissDuke · 14/12/2014 12:34

Yanbu, what a shame they feel this way. Seems an odd convo for them to even have with you!

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2014 12:34

If you are excluded from a parent's will, whatever the reason, it is a rejection, especially if you aren't even left any 'possessions' - jewellery, books, something special, to remember them by.

And I have no idea why you wouldn't want to help your children - after all, you won't be needing it any more.

I don't think you're U in the least.

WhaddayWant · 14/12/2014 12:34

Oh dear, perhaps your mum is a mumsnetter - Confused. I read a lot of posts about not helping out adult DC

I think it's mean of them but I suppose it's their money. Do you think they might just be saying it but are intending to leave you money anyhow. Have they indicated what they will do with their money when they die?

I don't see any point in discussing it with them. They might change their mind when they are very elderly.

Do you think that they perceive you as not being hard working or as being greedy in any way. ( NOT saying you are - just wondering if they might). Have you had 'handouts' in the past. How is your relationship in general.

We are quite well off and nothing gives me more pleasure than helping out our adult DC. Our DCs generation are unlikely to have the perks of our generation (huge property gains and final salary pensions) if we can help we will.

zoemaguire · 14/12/2014 12:37

Shove up tricky, I'm joining you. So what if it is entitled? I'd find that hugely hurtful, and if they inherited themselves they are being incredibly selfish and unreasonable to boot. I'd call them on it to be honest - what do they say if you point out their wealth is inherited so they didnt earn it either?!

FishWithABicycle · 14/12/2014 12:39

It's in the middle I'm afraid. YABU to consider an inheritance your "right" - it's their money and they have every right to spend the lot while they live and leave their wealth to charity when they go.

They are being unreasonable to claim they earned all this though. They didn't.

Stand on your own two feet and live without their support though, and stop wishing for an inheritance that won't come.

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse · 14/12/2014 12:42

My parents aren't well off so I'll never have this issue. I remember at uni being Shock because a lad with very well off parents said he wasn't getting a penny in inheritance. Theyd be leaving everything to charity. Their reasoning was they'd made their own money, they'd given their children a good start in life with private schools & funding through uni (expensive, long, professional courses). As I get older I appreciate their position a lot more.

Do you think that your expectation of an inheritance has pissed your parents off?

greenfolder · 14/12/2014 12:42

yanbu- i cannot count on any inheritance as df died youngish and who knows my mums modest house/savings might yet go on care.

however, i would be gutted if she did not leave what she had between me and siblings. and i dont think that is me being entitled. like you, dgp left it all to my parents generation, it seems entirely reasonable to expect the same assuming everyone is on decent terms.

so who are they leaving it to?

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 14/12/2014 12:42

It's their money and they can do with it as they wish - but I'd find it very hurtful that they wouldn't want to pass anything on, especially when they inherited themselves.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/12/2014 12:42

They have completely and utterly a different concept of family to the one I have.
My dad would give me the shirt off his back - unfortunately he's skint- and I will do everything I can to help my children.

PinkOboe · 14/12/2014 12:44

Have you disappointed them in some way?

dollius · 14/12/2014 12:45

They haven't earned it all at all. They have surfed a massive property bubble and are now wringing more money out of the younger generation who can't afford houses by renting out property. They have lavish pensions which our generation will not see, not even remotely. They have had long retirements when we will likely have yo work much much longer make ends meet. They are selfish.

HeraldAngelSinging · 14/12/2014 12:45

OP, have you been instigating conversations about where they are planning to leave their money? If so, they are probably seeing you as grabby and waiting for them to die.

If my son nagged on about it, I would do something about it.

APlaceInTheWinter · 14/12/2014 12:46

I think having a work ethic is more important and ultimately leads to a more satisfying life than having the promise of a pot of gold to fall back on. So I think your DPs are giving you a better gift by saying that you won't inherit.

Also, it sounds as though your DPs haven't inherited all of their wealth and they have built some of their fortune themselves. In which case, I guess it makes sense that they want their DCs to follow a similar path.

Ultimately they might leave you some of their assets but it seems a bit ghoulish to me that you're already emotionally invested in what you'll get when they die. Unless this is a symptom of a bigger problem in your relationship with them where you don't feel valued or cared for.

Nomama · 14/12/2014 12:47

So your mum has dashed your expectations and you think they spend money stupidly.

Well, yes, they are living and spending everything they have. Good for them. Who says you must spend your retirement being fucking miserable?

And yes, your mum sounded mean, but mine have said the same... they anticipate spending everything before they go, don't expect a penny. They have every right to do that.

And yes, you are not unreasonable in having anticipated inheriting the family farm... but nothing else, as your parents have earned all of that - maybe that is what your mum meant, but you can't really ask now, can you?

Best advice? Forget it. It will only eat you alive if you don't park it, define it as 'other' and stop picking at it. BIL was only unpleasant until his mum died. On learning there was no inheritance (something any sensible person would have ling known) he went to town being spiteful, hiring solicitors etc, then he was grasping, greedy and unpleasant!

Don't do that to yourself.

Floggingmolly · 14/12/2014 12:48

Have you seen the will? It's possible they will in fact leave most of it to you; but don't want you to live your life based on one day inheriting a packet.
You don't say how old you are; are you at the start of career building, for example?

funnyossity · 14/12/2014 12:54

I think you would be unreasonable to dwell too long on this.

They have made up their mind and now the worst thing for you is to allow it to be corrosive and damaging; a double whammy as it were.

XiCi · 14/12/2014 12:58

I was about to say the same as Floggingmolly. I think it's likely that they are just telling you this so you have a strong work ethic and build a good life for yourself instead of sitting back relying on an inheritance. My gm did the same to me but did make provision for me in her will. She just wanted me to work hard and fulfil my potential.

lindsaybobs · 14/12/2014 12:58

Whilst I think it's their right to spend their money as they wish I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to leave some to their child/children. It sounds like they have enough money to live an enjoyable extravagant life and leave some to you one day especially if they gained their wealth in part through inheritance. I come from a family where we all work hard to earn a living but we help each other out where possible/necessary.

hackmum · 14/12/2014 12:59

Lots of questions:

How old are they?
How old are you?
Are you an only child?
Who do they intend to leave their money to, or do they spend all of it? (Which I imagine will be quite hard if they own property).
Do you get on with them as a rule, or do you have a difficult relationship?
Might they be winding you up?

Suzannewithaplan · 14/12/2014 13:01

?
No one earns money completely unassisted, we all benefit from the infrastructure of the society that we live in.
The cultural, political and economic institutions.
Even if they'd not inherited money the parents couldn't claim to be entirely self made.
'no man is an island ' and all that!?

Chottie · 14/12/2014 13:01

I don't understand why they don't want to help their children either?

bumpthedoor · 14/12/2014 13:02

I'm not leaving my son a penny, he's a drug addict and an alcoholic who cares nothing for me, and I haven't seen him for years.
Unless you're similar to my son, then yes they are selfish.

Rebecca2014 · 14/12/2014 13:04

They sound very selfish but what can you do?

dreamingbohemian · 14/12/2014 13:04

I think YANBU. It would be one thing if they were spending all their money now without any thought of inheritance, and then you would get whatever little amount is left then you would BU to complain. But for them to say you're not getting anything no matter what why on earth would anyone do that? That's really fucking awful. Some people are just dicks about money though.

You would think rich people wouldn't be so stingy, but what I'm starting to realise is that part of the reason they get so rich is exactly because they are stingy.