give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

JohnFarley - but not everyone has those benefits, The vast majority do not. That's what I mean by the DM culture - it really does not exist for the majority of people.

It is only recently that home ownership has become the norm. My parents have owned/not owned all their lives, as have I. Their parents never owned their own homes, or dreamt it was even possible.

And, as has been said before, why is it a problem that some have those benefits? Why does the fact that some people of a certain age worked in a way that gave them benefits that they now enjoy to the full make some people so resentful?

The state pension and its retirement age is only 106 years old... so that to is relatively new. It started at 70 so is really just returning to its original level. And far from being off on cruises many boomers are still working because they have to www.web40571.clarahost.co.uk/statepensionage/SPA_history.htm

To be fair OP, your parents should be able to claim credit for investing in their buy to lets, and probably also making a good decision to buy the main home (just like you should take credit for investing in your own home when you did).
Agreed, although they did use equity from the inherited farm to buy the flats. Its the seeing raising house prices as money earnt I object to.

I am now terrified that I will waste this money that they earned and passed on to me.

This is what this whole thread comes down to. Some feel inherited assets you have a moral duty to preseve for future generations to benefit from and others think they have the right to piss them away.

I don't feel resentful - I'm very happy I'm not washing clothes with a mangle for a start!

However, when people LIE and say they worked for everything they have, when actually they inherited massively as well, or when they say they've worked all their lives when oop, no, actually, they haven't, then I wouldn't be impressed.

For me the whole point is not about politics, benefits, oaps or any of that, its far, far more simple. It's about a parent's love for their child.

I just can't understand the attitude the parent's here have and for me, it's utterly indefensible. I'm glad I belong to a family where you do your best for your children and your grandchildren and that's what I will happily pass on.

As I have said before, that is the parent's choice and is all well and good, as it should be. No-one would dispute that that is the normal way of things.

But when parent chooses not to do everything but wants to live a bit of an easier life no child should throw a strop and cancel Christmas - as OP did at the beginning of the thread.

Some feel inherited assets you have a moral duty to preseve for future generations to benefit from and others think they have the right to piss them away

I think there's a middle ground though - using the inherited money for "good" spending - like a house deposit, an education, a wedding, a reasonably-priced car, even something maybe on the more frivolous side like learning to ski or scuba dive. I'm not afraid if spending my inheritance full stop, I am afraid of spending it badly. It's all a matter of perspective though - my Mum's Mum left my brother and me a small amount and my brother spent his on a bashed up camper van that died after a summer. Mum was furious but my bro said it was the best summer he'd ever had and it was probably a great formative experience for him at that age.

The nastiest comments here actually have come from Elephants poo, who seems to have created an entirely fictional scenario about the OP - saying that she is not working This has NEVER been stated from me. So prove it. You are lying. None of the posts can be edited or amended, so put your money where your mouth is. ... resenting her DH Neither has this ever been stated. So prove it. Post a date and time so we can all go look at where I made these statements.*

twoopsie - Glad someone else sees that also! Well, despite the clearly demonstrable lies, I can understand why you would agree with them as the post is a pat on your back.

The time they called my dh stupid for not having a final sallery pension, working longer hours and not being able to retire at 55 was hilarious.

A very poorly reframing of what I actually said, twisted to justify your belief. What you actually said was...

My dh often works 60-80 hour weeks of hard physicial work while df did 9-5 in a local council and got to retire early at 55. He has no idea how different it is today.

Clearly a statement resent other peoples' success in live when compared to your own. And what I actually said in response was....

So, DH works hard but not sufficiently so as to succeed in the private sector, while DF does not work hard, but understands the system this country operates and has taken advantage of it. Both have free will and freedom to choose. Both live under the same laws in the same country, with the same system and the same opportunities. And you are pissed that DH is not as clever or opportunistic as DF. I get that, but DH chose to provide for you in the manner he does, that was absolutely his choice and no one else's.

I clearly never said DH was stupid. What I said was based on YOUR comparison you resented the fact that DF had been cleverer about their life choices than DH. That in no way establishes any intelligence level on either individuals. It is merely a comparison between the two based solely on your own statement to that effect.

Especially as I already said we earn much more.

You see, the problem here is it is not about how much you earn. We don't care how rich you already are. But by pulling that rabbit out of the hat, you now purport yourself as one rich middle class ***, spoilt and petulant that you can't get your grubby mitts on your parents wealth.

I think there's a middle ground though - using the inherited money for "good" spending - like a house deposit, an education, a wedding, a reasonably-priced car, even something maybe on the more frivolous side like learning to ski or scuba dive. I'm not afraid if spending my inheritance full stop, I am afraid of spending it badly. It's all a matter of perspective though - my Mum's Mum left my brother and me a small amount and my brother spent his on a bashed up camper van that died after a summer. Mum was furious but my bro said it was the best summer he'd ever had and it was probably a great formative experience for him at that age.

Yes good point about what its being spent on. I just see luxury cars and cruises being bought when I think the money would be better spent towards education and house deposits for the ggc and gggc of the ones that accred the wealth.

However, when people LIE and say they worked for everything they have, when actually they inherited massively as well, or when they say they've worked all their lives when oop, no, actually, they haven't, then I wouldn't be impressed.

Its the lies that hurt along with the lack of empathy and compassion.

You seriously need to get over yourself.

So you don't deny that your comments are the nastiest on the thread, then?

You've insulted her though-out, and are continuuing to do so, anyone can see that. It's clearly erm, hit a nerve.

And you are pissed that DH is not as clever or opportunistic as DF. I get that, but DH chose to provide for you in the manner he does, that was absolutely his choice and no one else's.

To me, this clearly reads as, 'you resent your husband for not providing you with a good enough lifestyle.' I am shocked if this was not your intention.

*JohnFarleysRuskin

So you don't deny that your comments are the nastiest on the thread, then?

You've insulted her though-out, and are continuuing to do so, anyone can see that. It's clearly erm, hit a nerve.*

Someone that's clearly so unpleasant and nasty that throws out personal insults and fabricates some weird story obviously has demons, that I hope they can work through.

I get the feeling that the OP wouldn't be nearly so bothered about this if it wasn't for the very conspicuous and frivolous wasting of money. Added to that, if the family farm has been in the family for generations, its fortunate to inherit wealth but incredibly dumb to squander it. I wonder if the OP's parents justify their way of life by the fact they did actually hold down jobs, as opposed to just waiting to inherit. Its a vile attitude, and I think it must be very hard to live with, separate from the issue of feeling entitled to an inheritance. And I'm sorry but it tells you a lot about the character and what type of people the parents are, who have a very "I'm all right Jack attitude".

People do have this attitude towards inheritance, whether you like it or not, particularly when its an asset that's been in the family for generations. That's why you regularly get challenges by children to bequests of massive amounts to charities or friends. (but unless its based on undue influence they won't succeed and that's not the case here!).

I have noticed that the people who will defend behaviour like this or disagree that life is more expensive and harder now than in previous generations (this is agreed on by most economists who don't even expect incomes to recover to pre-financial crisis levels by 2018 at best, never mind purchasing power in the relevant markets as opposed to income related to the RPI - its a standard set of calculations) have usually inherited quite a lot or been given a leg up by their parents, but like to keep it quiet and pretend they've done it all off their own hard work. A bit like the OP's parents!

I think I'm sympathetic (though I'm against inheritance in general), because I've observed it at close range via PIL and BIL. PIL have been so cossetted with multiple inheritances, easy public sector jobs and early retirement on final salary pension schemes that they simply cannot understand why when something goes wrong in our lives, we do not just automatically pay for someone else to fix it.

I mean, obviously we do sometimes! But if our car breaks down, DH will try to fix it first himself if its something minor rather than taking it straight to the garage, and they cannot understand why we don't just buy two new cars every three years, like they do. They just do not get it, and blame it on me for working part-time, even though I earn well (they don't believe that bit and have accused me of lying about what I do for a living). They cannot fathom why we are decorating our own home, as opposed to paying someone to do it - they think its my fault, that I'm being mean, or somehow spending DH's money on myself which means we cannot afford it.

Yet they will go out and buy another boat or car, losing thousands because the previous one wasn't "quite right" and they've changed their minds, but will point out that they "worked for it and contributed all their lives". Well, no, DFIL retired at 52! They have two holiday homes that they haven't visited for 3 years, because they're bored with them, but wanted to charge us for a stay in one of them (while expecting us to tidy it up and do the garden!).

Basically, they've been totally spoilt and have no idea of what living without inheritance, final salary pension, early retirement and easy jobs for life is like. the fact they give DBIL loads of cash handouts because he still lived at home until they bought him his first house I'm not even discussing but its like they cannot appreciate hard work when it doesn't result in conspicuous wealth

Can i just say that no one hates pensioners or is blaming them. The criticism posted on this thread is of specific people who have benefitted from things like house price inflation, final salary pension, early retirement ages etc, and who appear to be completely ignorant of the fact that they were fortunate to do so as these things no longer exist and the next generation will have to work harder and longer and still not be able to achieve the same quality of life when they eventually get to retire. And in this particular case, who simply don't care about lending a helping hand to their grandchildren, despite having benefitted from a handout themselves, and who are intent on frittering away a legacy on frivolities, which is simply disgraceful.

OP. I still can't work out what you think their reasoning is for not helping you.

Have you already received any assistance from your parents, such as help with the kids school fees or help with your house deposit or wedding or holidays etc

If they see you as doing well and sending your DC to private school (not sure if you are though) then maybe they dont think you need it and they might as well blow it.

Maybe they know the op earns drastically more than they did, so perceive her as loaded and not in need of their help, without thinking about the future costs their grandchildren will incur.

I think its very sad that you are considering un-inviting your parents to a Christmas meal based on money - something you might really regret in years to come, for emotional not financial reasons. Maybe they are just testing out your attitude to them, and money, by implying that you won't inherit anything.

To be frank, I'd be surprised if your parents hadn't sensed your judgemental attitude towards them. I was born in the 1970s, and brought up to respect my parents. I would never ever question how they used their money.

And you are pissed that DH is not as clever or opportunistic as DF. I get that, but DH chose to provide for you in the manner he does, that was absolutely his choice and no one else's.

To me, this clearly reads as, 'you resent your husband for not providing you with a good enough lifestyle.' I am shocked if this was not your intention.

OP compared her husband to her friend, expressing her chagrin at the hours her husband worked when compared to her friend who worked for the council in a cushy job and ogre to retire at 55.

I pointed out that there is nothing to have stopped her husband working for the council and doing a cushy job. The fact that he does not is a matter of the choice of her husband, and if OP is pissed that DH is not able to do as her friend does, that is not her friends' problem. If her friend saw an opportunity and took it, and her husband chooses to slog away 60-80 hours a week, they both have free choice to do as they please. The bitterness with the perceived imbalance and unjust nature, the jealousy and the desire of easier and more money is wholly within OP. Her discontent and her need to compare the choices her husband made over her friend, is a need to judge and compare financial value wholly within OP.

The fact that some 120 posts down the line she finally confesses to being very well off and indeed better off than her parents ever were able to achieve, is just icing on the cake. It tells us everything we need to know about OPs value system in life.

Bottom line is, she is bitter that her parents were gifted a farm, and that they choose to liquidate their asset and spend the money. She has no intention of doing anything different. She has said she wanted it to pay for her children's university fees and help them with their mortgages. She has every intent to liquidate the asset and spend the money as she sees fit, and she is pissed that she does not own the farm and can't spend the money how she wants, and her parents are doing it because they own the thing.

The legendary 'family farm' is not some asset that has been toiled over for generation upon generation, and is now being sold off by some wastrels. This is a farm that none of the living generations have any means of using and is going to be sold anyways, and OP is bitter because the money isn't going into her pocket but into her parents'.

And all this from a poster who is doing really quite well thank-you.

What part of this slowly unfolding story does not smack of a hypocrisy and a conflict of greed between two generations of spoilt prima donnas?

Basically, they've been totally spoilt and have no idea of what living without inheritance, final salary pension, early retirement and easy jobs for life is like.

Great posts thechan. I do see what your saying about inheritance and not supporting it. I agree and I'd rather houses were affordable, education free, pensions fair and a job market with social mobility. But as they are not, our children and our children's children need all the support they can just to achieve a decent quality of life. The odds are stacked against them at the moment, so I will do all I can in my power to help them succeed.

*OP. I still can't work out what you think their reasoning is for not helping you.

Have you already received any assistance from your parents, such as help with the kids school fees or help with your house deposit or wedding or holidays etc*

Only help was paying for the evening buffet at my wedding. Tbh think my dad was offended that I didn't want him to give me away but would go against my views as I'm not anyones property to give away.

*OP. I still can't work out what you think their reasoning is for not helping you.

Have you already received any assistance from your parents, such as help with the kids school fees or help with your house deposit or wedding or holidays etc*

The point is we earn drastically more than they did but we have a much lower quality of life. They truely don't understand how difficult it is for youngsters today and have the dilluded thoughts that they have the same opotunities that boomers enjoyed.

To be frank, I'd be surprised if your parents hadn't sensed your judgemental attitude towards them. I was born in the 1970s, and brought up to respect my parents. I would never ever question how they used their money.

Respect is a two way street and has to be earnt with me. You don't automatically get it by age or having children.

YANBU. Surely the reason we work hard is to provide a better life for our children and future generations!? That's my prerogative.

I have a grandmother very similar - she doesn't spend money like water though. She's inherited everything my grandad worked hard for.

My mum recently had to quit work due to ill health (severe arthritis) at 48, she has found suitable work now but spent months and months of being VERY hard up. We didn't have much but we loaned her some of our savings (which she ha paid back in full).

My GM couldn't have cared less!! She was in a position to help but chose not to. She's sat on an absolute fortune. She owns 5 houses outright, 100 acres of land as well as farm buildings etc

Elephantspoo The fact that some 120 posts down the line she finally confesses to being very well off and indeed better off than her parents ever were able to achieve, is just icing on the cake. It tells us everything we need to know about OPs value system in life.

It tells me that the OP is hard working and motivated, and is shocked by the way her parents are behaving, not some kind of psychopathic oligarch! It also tells me that she is most likely genuinely upset by observing her parents behaviour, and that this is more important to her than money. Otherwise, her thread would have been based on her boasting about how hard she has worked and how much she has achieved, rather than describing her parents' behaviour.

The legendary 'family farm' is not some asset that has been toiled over for generation upon generation, and is now being sold off by some wastrels. This is a farm that none of the living generations have any means of using and is going to be sold anyways, and OP is bitter because the money isn't going into her pocket but into her parents'.

I got a different impression; that the parents were so disorganised and spendthrift that it was lack of planning, rather than lack of assets that would result in the loss of farm in time. Which is just a waste.

I don't think there is anything wrong with observing something and forming an opinion on it, and acting accordingly. I mean, where would you draw the line if all forming of opinions were bad?

Obviously, if you are going to judge everyone with some malevolent form of communist ideology, where they are bad and evil and money-obsessed if they dare not to be exactly the same as everyone else, then that's a whole different discussion altogether.

Respect is a two way street and has to be earnt with me. You don't automatically get it by age or having children.

... or spent two feeding, clothing and raising you? If my parents spent so long providing for me, and at the end I was left feeling resentful, bitter and jealous, I guess I wouldn't be able to bring myself to respect them for leaving me in that bad a state either.