give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

In Italy (and probably elsewhere, too) you cannot disinherit your dc. Additionally, if a parent dies, then the surviving spouse has to split the inheritance 50/50 with their dcs, so, eg the wife gets 50% and the dcs get the other 50% divided amongst however many dcs there are.

This clearly has its drawbacks (for the surviving spouse!) but does ensure that wealth is not hoarded by the older generation and also releases property as usually the surviving spouse has to sell up in order to fulfil the terms. No one seems to complain about "turning poor grannies out of their homes" - it's seen as right and proper that the money should be passed on.

If a final-salary pension was an arbitrary bonus given by the employer, which the employee was not legally entitled to, then we can call it luck that they have it. If it was a contractual legal entitlement as a consequence of doing a job, then it was earned.

OP, are you an only child?

Even if you stood to inherit, sounds like a lot of the estate will be lost to inheritance tax and if your parents sell in their life time they'll have capital gains tax to pay.

It's always a bit vulgar talking about this and tax authorities almost bank on families not addressing this, but maybe you could talk to them practically about tax planning. Acknowledge how well they've done and deserve to enjoy their wealth but would be a shame to lose so much of it.

No doubt their hypocritical attitude is hurtful but don't give them reason to think you're only interested in a relationship with them for their wealth. That's what you're effectively saying if you withdraw your Xmas invite. If you feel you and your children have a right to part of the family assets, try and address that constructively and amicably. You're not entitled per se even if you feel you ought to be and maybe the fact that you do think you're entitled is an issue for them and they're taking their position in response to yours.

Who knows, could be half a dozen of one and 6 of the other but throwing your toys out of your pram is unlikely to get you what you think is best all round in the long term.

*lovetheautumn

twoopsie, I haven't had time to read all the posts, (the last missing has started!!) but I have read all yours, and just wanted to say I completely agree with you, am very much on your side*

Thanks and well done on reading it all

I can't believe they're considering leaving you nothing!. I think it is very selfish of them if they are. Maybe they're just saying it so you don't put your feet up thinking you don't need to work as you're going to get this??.

I can never understand why parents will live in big expensive houses and see their children on the breadline though. If I'm in the position when I'm older I hope to get pleasure giving my kids early inheritence and see them enjoy an easier life whilst young.

Where or how a pension was achieved, I just think that it behoves some pensioners to admit that they were fortunate. Just as with housing. All my friends' parents lived in a very good area in nice four-bedroomed houses. No one's mother worked. My childhood home just sold for £1m. No way could my parents have bought that today. Worse than that is houses that were seen as complete crap back in the day are now £500K. Spending your all on a dream home - maybe. Spending every cent you have and having the world's largest mortgage for a 3-bed 1970s semi - WTF?! You have to be a hedge fund manager to live in something that Bob and Thelma would have lived in in The Likely Lads when they first married.

*noddingoff

Round our way, selling the family farm is seen as regrettable but occasionally necessary. Selling it and just pissing the proceeds up against the wall would earn you the utter disdain of pretty much everyone. OP, sorry you are related to such embarrassing people. Don't bother trying to have much of a conversation about it - anyone who converts the farm their parents and grandparents toiled on into golf clubs and Ferraris with zero regard for their family isn't going to "get it".I'd even grit teeth and zone out the comments about how they worked so hard blah blah. Just try to avoid the subject and change topic as quickly as possible - nothing will ever change their minds- they will staunchly believe their own version of events for ever.*

That's totally my point, I wouldn't be annoyed if they sold off the family farm out of need. But to sell it off and deprive future generations of the benefit they received just for cars and holidays.

On on mn would people support pissing away inherited family assets on consumerism that goes against the wishes of the previous generations that actually earnt these assets.

bedraggledmumoftwo

elephantspoo i went back and found it- but cant copy and paste due to plaster on my thumb! Op said that her household income was probably three times what her parents had at her age . Therefore it is clear the OP is not "blaming them for her failures". If she was saying she had a stack of debt and had been waiting for an inheritance i would understand your comments, but she doesn't, she is hardworking and successful!

i have no inheritance issues with my own parents, and they are the opposite in that (other than their massive mansion) they are still really tight with money and frustrate me by not treating themselves in their old age when they could afford to. However, my parents also frustrate me as their situation and attitude is very similar to the op. Although i am a civil servant like my parents, i am much more senior than they were even when they retired and earn more than they would combined if they were still working in those jobs. My husband is even more successful, but like the op's dh, he works 80 hours a week. However, we are therefore pretty well off and do have a household income 3x what my parents would have had if they were working(at todays rates so completely comparable).so no jealousy or blaming them for my failures here. I simply mean that when they go on about how hard they worked to earn their mansion, I know that they haven't worked an 80hour week in their life, and that my dad got early retirement due to depression at the age of 50 (funny since i am on antidepressants myself- apparently he wouldn't take them and preferred to retire early on a full final salary pension!) and my mum had around ten years off when i was born and then worked part time. The simple fact is that if they were living in this generation, and working in their roles, i can see no way they would have been able to get where they are. Even their first house before i was born would now be worth £500k, and if they had a combined income of £50k there is simply no.way they could get there, regardless of how much they scrimped and saved for a deposit, as no bank would give them ten times their joint income! When my dad bought it it was only around 3x his sole income. Yes, they had to struggle to afford it, but they don't understand that it would be impossible for their present-day-selves.

Brilliant post! However your wasting your time on some people who can't even see how jobs, education, pension, housing is a world apart for today's youngsters conpaired with baby boomers. I found the posts calling me lazy and dh stupid hilliarious, as I already said we earn far more than my parents did and are far more sucesfull in our work. We just didn't win the housing and pension lottery due to when we were born, and our children won't either.

*JessieMcJessie

Parrot the ggc to whom the OP refers are her own children-it stands for "great grand-children" . What she's saying is that when her own children in the future go into education and the property ladder they will accrue lots of debt due to how society has changed. The OP may be comfortable but still unable to pay full tuition fees for her kids and fund their house deposits.*

Spot on! Yes its my children who are being done over with parents spunking away the family farm. Yet I'm the selfish one. Will do all I can to help them because the younger generation do need this help.

Yes its my children who are being done over with parents spunking away the family farm.

Nicely put!

Where or how a pension was achieved, I just think that it behoves some pensioners to admit that they were fortunate.
Why? 'admit'? What have they done wrong? There are other benefits and general every day mores that you have that they did not. Will you confess they exist?

Just as with housing. All my friends' parents lived in a very good area in nice four-bedroomed houses. No one's mother worked. My childhood home just sold for £1m. No way could my parents have bought that today. Worse than that is houses that were seen as complete crap back in the day are now £500K. Spending your all on a dream home - maybe. Spending every cent you have and having the world's largest mortgage for a 3-bed 1970s semi - WTF?! You have to be a hedge fund manager to live in something that Bob and Thelma would have lived in in The Likely Lads when they first married.

Crikey! What vitriole.
What is the alternative to continued rising house process? I lived through the last property crash. Older people then rode it out as their homes had increased in value, repayments had been reduced, and they had more stable jobs. People my age simply handed the keys in as they couldn't afford the 18% interest. But I don't think we ever hated those who managed to keep their homes. We never blamed them for the situation we were in.

I have no idea why this Hate the Aged philosophy has taken root so strongly. I do no that there are politicians and businessmen all over silently thanking the DM culture for fanning the flames though. As long as you hate pensioners you won't get up and go for those who make the policies, the business decisions that make zero hour contracts and conspicuous consumerism so prevalent.

Get mobilised, get political, get something changed. Those boomers you so hate did. They were the generation that changed all sorts of laws, gender based, race issues, equal pay, etc etc. You need to learn more of your recent history before you spout the cant the DM culture is teaching you!

here, start with the Dagenham machinists and Barbara Castle
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_sewing_machinists_strike_of_1968

I think that the nub of the problem is that the OP's parents are failing to recognise that they got a winning ticket. I think that if they recognised that they had been lucky with property gains, inheritance, generous pensions then there wouldnt be a problem. Like most lottery winners they would be keen to share their good fortune with their nearest and dearest.

If there is one small crumb of comfort twoopsie, far fewer of the grand gesture wills are written than are proposed.

"What is the alternative to continued rising house process?"

Er... house prices that rise broadly in line with inflation?

What's so amazingly scary/controversial about saying you have been lucky?

I was lucky that DH and I were in a position to buy a house in 1996, so have benefitted from increasing house prices since then. I'm not harder working than someone who bought in 2003

We don't hate pensioners, it'd just be nice if they occasionally acknowledged they'd been financially fortunate in many ways. In between cruises.

I'd be disinclined to leave you anything as well op. You seemed fairly reasonable in your first couple of posts but as time has gone on it has become clear that you have an appalling attitude.

I wonder if they're planning to bypass you and leave money to your children instead.

Boulevard.... in the real world!

If you have paid current value for a house what happens if an adjustment is made? Who deals with the immediate negative equity?

I won't say I have been lucky if 'luck' is something that is beyond my control. I believe you make your own luck, you make choices that create opportunities. I have never just sat back and waited for someone or something to offer me a hand. So I can't really agree that I have been lucky. I have just made the best of my opportunities and don't see my current position as a bad one. Luck is, in my opinion, a matter of perception.

You were not lucky you bought your home in 1996. That was concomitant with your age and stage of life. What would you like to happen to make it 'fair' for those trying to buy now?

As for that last comment, don't be daft. Not all pensioners are permanently on a cruise. and if you read back some of the comments here and other threads, you will quickly read the stupidly vitriolic commentary, a bit like your last one, that does indicate a deep and abiding dislike and resentment of pensioners.

No one hates pensioners. What rubbish.

The nastiest comments here actually have come from Elephants poo, who seems to have created an entirely fictional scenario about the OP - saying that she is not working, resenting her DH, etc, etc, and then increasingly insulting her. Very odd.

Its also interesting how the word 'vulgar' is used.
'Vulgar' is the sort of thing an Conservative MP would say if you challenged him on his duck house - or a Labour MP living in social housing despite his mansion would say: "Eurgh you're so vulgar to question me." When I hear it I always think it's the middle-class version of "Why don't you shut the fuck up, pleb, and let me get on with my thieving..." Incredibly, it often works.

JohnFarley - you obviously haven't read the comments I have. I'll say it again, I am not a boomer, so have nothing to gain by railing against the ageist shite that is becoming prevalent around here recently.

I think that the nub of the problem is that the OP's parents are failing to recognise that they got a winning ticket. I think that if they recognised that they had been lucky with property gains, inheritance, generous pensions then there wouldnt be a problem. Like most lottery winners they would be keen to share their good fortune with their nearest and dearest.

Exactly, its mainly about winning the lottery though luck but claiming it was through hard work.

But it is still your parents money to spend how they wish, regardless of how they came by it.

*BoulevardOfBrokenSleep

"What is the alternative to continued rising house process?"

Er... house prices that rise broadly in line with inflation?

What's so amazingly scary/controversial about saying you have been lucky?

I was lucky that DH and I were in a position to buy a house in 1996, so have benefitted from increasing house prices since then. I'm not harder working than someone who bought in 2003 hmm

We don't hate pensioners, it'd just be nice if they occasionally acknowledged they'd been financially fortunate in many ways. In between cruises.*

Agree with you 100%. Great post. My house has also risen in value, but I know that is just down to luck.

The average worker/nurse/teacher in their 20's now, will not be able to buy their own home or retire at 55 - without the help of a substantial inheritance/lottery win/pay-out of some kind.

Saying this is not ageist shite, it is just the situation we are in. I don't understand why you consider those facts "anti-pensioner".

The nastiest comments here actually have come from Elephants poo, who seems to have created an entirely fictional scenario about the OP - saying that she is not working, resenting her DH, etc, etc, and then increasingly insulting her. Very odd.

Glad someone else sees that also! The time they called my dh stupid for not having a final sallery pension, working longer hours and not being able to retire at 55 was hilarious. Especially as I already said we earn much more. Out of touch.

My parents haven't had an easy life but yes, they have benefitted from house price rises and good investments made on their behalf by my DB.

They are sitting on a gold mine in terms of our family home (which is currently rented out). But I have told them they should spend all their money and enjoy their lives while they are able to. They have done good by me in terms of providing me a great overseas education (which they funded) and helping me out here and there financially. And they have been such selfless parents, they have done a lot for me and my DB.

And in case you think I can say that because I have a 'privileged' life... I don't. My exH left me almost 2 years ago. Luckily, he pays maintenance. But I have taken on an extremely demanding FT job while having 80% care of my DCs. I stress big-time about my job. I work for a small company and its survival depends pretty much on me so I risk losing my job if I don't work hard. And I will have to sell the family home in a 1.5 years as exH wants the equity from it to set up home with OW and I don't have the money to buy him out.

And yes, my parents could theoretically pay off my mortgage and buy over my exH's share of the house if they wanted (and I know they will if I asked them and if it comes down to it...) but it would be detrimental to their current lifestyle so why should they? I chose badly in terms of a life partner but why should they pay the price for it? I will have to sort out my own problems, even if it means downsizing to a smaller house/flat etc.

Perhaps you are bitter about their lack of support and have reacted badly in return. My parents love me, and I know they will give up everything for me. And that is enough for me, knowing that if everything ends tomorrow, they will open their doors wide open to me. And I think they have worked hard enough and I want them to enjoy their lives and I know my DB feels the same about them too. Never mind the inheritance, I think it's sad you don't feel that way towards your parents. Do you think this can be salvaged? Not sure un-inviting them for Christmas will help towards that! Good luck!

To be fair OP, your parents should be able to claim credit for investing in their buy to lets, and probably also making a good decision to buy the main home (just like you should take credit for investing in your own home when you did). The farm not so much, although presumably they have had to do something akin to work to manage the way it is let out, even if it is just giving instructions to an agent, and to ensure that its value is protected.

This thread has got me thinking about my own situation. My second parent died 18 months ago and my brother and I inherited the whole estate 50/50. 2 houses worth about 300k in total and just under 400k in cash/shares. It was a combination of my Gran's house passed to my parents earlyish in her life to avoid paying for nursing home care, a home to which Mum had downsized from the family home bought in 1971, life insurance payout from my Dad's death and a payout from some shares my Dad got as a benefit - company was then bought out and parents had a windfall. The only reason that there was much left is that they both died young - Dad at 53, Mum at 66.

I am now terrified that I will waste this money that they earned and passed on to me. I used some for my wedding, in their memory, but I am totally paralysed about making investment decisions in case I fuck it up. Brother is similarly paralysed and is living in one of the houses as that's easier than risking selling it and not getting a good price. Hadn't really thught about preserving it for the next generation - DH and I are TTC but are quite old and no luck so far so there may not be one but we'd like there to be one. Actually at thisrate we may end up spending some of it in IVF - there's a thought, actually using it to create a next generation..!

I know vulgar when I see it.

Interesting explanation of the word above.

I am none of the political flavours on the planet.

Middleclass? Petite burgeoise? Lower class? Aristo? Peasant? Who gives a figgy pudding!

Op try to get on with life without all this bitter speculation ...your own will may be the first one read ,God forbid.

Horrid thread...what is this dog and cat league you all speak of?